Loki: Burdened with glorious coffee

[moonshadows]

“I am Loki. Of Caffeina.” The broadcast reached every screen in SHIELD headquarters, whether it had been turned on or off. “And I am burdened with glorious coffee.”

All over the building, SHIELD employees realized why there was no coffee anywhere.

“If you would have your Water of Life,” Loki continued, smirking, “pledge fealty to me. What was previously your second-floor break room is now my domain, the Kingdom of Caffeina. Do not think to subvert my rule with your paltry Starbucks, your Dunkin’ Donuts, your Cup O’ Joe from home. You will find that all you possess is hot water.” He spread his hands in a gesture of false magnanimity. “Where is your loyalty now, Agents of SHIELD? Your fresh-ground, your whole beans, your secret stashes belong to me now. Will you forsake your oaths for the caffeine you crave? Will bow and accept my rule? Or will you stand fast in the face of withdrawal?”

With a last smirk, the broadcast ended.

The second-floor break room was piled with boxes and bags, some neatly labeled to reflect where they’d come from. In full armor, helm and spear, Loki lounged upon a throne constructed from some of his newfound wealth and waited.

He didn’t have to wait long.

“You missed one,” Dr. Banner said mildly as he wandered in from the west door, a steaming mug in one hand.

Loki grinned. “You must have hidden it too cleverly for me to find.”

“Right. That must be it. Did you warn Fury you were going to do this?”

“Where would the fun in that be?”

“I see. Well, I’m going to head back down to my lab. Mind if I stop by later?”

Slender hands spread in a gesture of welcome. “I would not be so foolish as to try to stop you. My kingdom welcomes you, Bruce Banner, any time you choose to visit.”

The first three supplicants, he turned down. They only intended to take some coffee and run. The fourth was a talented enough liar that he accepted her, appointed her gatekeeper, and allowed her twelve ounces every three hours. There was a halfhearted assault, easily rebuffed. An hour later, three dozen employees prostrated themselves outside the north door and sang a hymn to his glory. It wasn’t half bad. He gave then four ounces each and sent them on their way. The one who’d composed the hymn pleaded for admittance, promising a new hymn every hour. Loki agreed and let the man inside.

The gatekeeper turned down six supplicants; the seventh convinced her to let him present his case to Loki. He was also a talented liar, and the King of Coffee accepted his oath. Now the gatekeeper of the north door, he sipped black-with-sugar and was quite pleased with himself.

At half past ten, a knock came from the west door. “Loki? It’s me.”

The door opened, and Darcy Lewis stepped in. “Welcome to my kingdom,” purred the amused Asgardian, while the man sitting at his feet sang his newest hymn softly.

“I love what you’ve done with the place.” Darcy grinned. “Hey, can I get some of the fancy stuff the R&D department keeps in their special stash?”

“If you can find it. It’s all labeled, just take a look.”

“Thanks. Want me to make you a cup when I find it?”

“That would be lovely. How is your office faring?”

She grinned. “They’re going crazy. Sent three guys out already, and all they managed to do is waste money.”

“Mmm, in that case, make an entire pot to take with you. But!” He leaped from his throne, pointing with the spear. “Only you may drink it. Anyone else will be covered in large, painful boils if they so much as take a taste.”

“Your majesty,” called the South Gatekeeper. “SHIELD has sent a negotiator.”

“What are they offering?”

Whispered conference. “Six dozen donuts and a pair of French crullers.”

Loki waved one hand dismissively. “Not good enough. Send the negotiator away.”

From the north door, a knock. “Another negotiator,” the gatekeeper announced. “From Director Fury himself. He’s offering a box of you know what for a pot of the strongest stuff we can brew.”

“Really?” Loki perked up. “I want to see the box. Let the negotiator in.”

Agent Maria Hill stepped fearlessly inside. “The contents of the box are only to be handed over once the coffee pot has been delivered. I have been authorized to deliver a sample as a gesture of good faith.”

Loki accepted a small, napkin-wrapped bundle. Reverently, he pulled back a corner and sniffed. “Darcy, my dear, would you be so kind as to brew a pot of sludge for Director Fury?”

Darcy grinned. “You got it.”

A short time later, both Darcy and Agent Hill departed, each bearing a pot of coffee. Agent Hill returned after several minutes, handing over a box of imported chocolates. “Director Fury expresses his sincere hope that this will form the foundation for an alliance between himself and the Kingdom of Caffeina,” she said, bowing.

“Oh, I would say this is a very strong foundation indeed,” he purred. “Help yourself to our bounty before you leave. As thanks for your service.”

“Your majesty! HR is staging an assault!”

“I’ve got nothing to do with it,” Hill protested.

“I am aware. Collect your reward; I will deal with this threat to my kingdom.”

The entire squadron of HR employees, armed with staplers and mechanical pencils, dispersed under Loki’s withering glare.

Half an hour later, the members of the morning’s choir returned. The hymn-writer taught them the newest hymn, and they were again rewarded for their vocal praise of His Majesty.

A knock at the west door was Dr. Banner. No one stopped him as he wandered inside and helped himself. At Loki’s prompting, the hymn writer improvised and managed a credible hymn to science.

“I’ve got to hand it to you,” the wiry man said, sipping his coffee. “You have a way with people.”

“It’s all about style,” Loki replied loftily. “How goes your latest experiment?”

“Not so well. It kind of, uh, escaped.”

“My condolences.”

“Oh, it’s alright. I caught it.”

The nervous-looking gatekeepers relaxed. After a few more minutes of idle banter, Banner wandered off again.

“The negotiator is back,” called the South Gatekeeper shortly after Banner’s departure. “He wants to know your terms. They’re asking for three pounds, whole or ground.”

“What’s his clearance level?”

“Three, your majesty.”

“They dare insult me?” Loki roared. “I will not be mocked! I know SHIELD’s regulations; if they would negotiate with me, they will send one who has the authorization to do so or they will get nothing for their insolence!”

“You heard the king,” the South Gatekeeper said cheerfully.

An hour passed before the next attempt at negotiation. By this time, the population of the kingdom had grown to a dozen, with the last three bearing chinese take-out for the rest of the tiny nation.

“They’ve sent a level six negotiator,” the replacement North Gatekeeper announced while the real one ate lunch. “They’re offering-”

“I don’t care. I dictate the terms, not them, and I demand to speak with Darcy Lewis. They are to release her from her current duties for the rest of the day. I will provide one pound of whole beans, but only to her.”

The negotiator fled. Minutes later he returned, escorting a very amused Darcy. Loki tossed a bag of coffee beans at him and shut the door in his face.

“How’s the kingdom going?” Darcy asked, picking at an unopened fortune cookie.

“I almost regret declining the offer of donuts. Actually…my faithful subjects, what flavors do you prefer?”

The answers came from all directions. He listened thoughtfully for several moments. A gesture, and every screen bore his image.

“I crave donuts,” he announced without preamble. “Listen carefully. The first department to fulfill my list of demands will be rewarded with two pounds from their own stash. Four French crullers, three Boston cream, six glazed, four jelly-filled, seven chocolate frosted – two with sprinkles, five without – and a maple glazed.”

The sounds of fighting echoed in the hallway fifteen minutes later as each department’s team scrambled to reach a door first or, failing that, sabotage another team’s attempt. The citizens of Caffeina rolled their eyes and grinned at one another, waiting with restrained curiosity to see who would prevail. Finally, silence fell to the north while to the south, combat continued.

“We joined forces,” the crowd at the north door said when Loki opened it at their knock. “We ask only one pound for each of our two departments, and you can have both sets of donuts.”

Loki’s eyebrows rose beneath his helmet. “Interesting choice.”

“Better one pound for donuts than none for smushed donuts,” another member of the crowd said.

“Wise choice. Your donut-bearers may enter; they will return with your rewards.”

Two agents stepped cautiously inside and were greeted with cheerful waves and smiles. The substitute gatekeepers relieved them of their burdens, while the newly-official Coffee Distributers conferred and handed over bags of ground coffee.

“Wait,” Loki said as they were about to leave. “Cooperation deserves further rewards.” He picked up one-pound bags from the general stash and handed them to the startled donut bearers. “Be sure to leave quickly, so that the mob to the south does not see you.”

“M-Many thanks, your majesty!”

The crowd dispersed with its prize, and the citizens of Caffeina sat down to enjoy a mid-afternoon snack. When the fighting finally died down at the south door, the winning department was informed smugly that they were too late, and slunk off in defeat. Minutes later, however, a self-important man with a level six badge knocked imperiously on the door.

“He wants to talk to Darcy,” the gatekeeper called.

Loki looked at Darcy. Darcy looked at Loki. They both shrugged. Darcy went to the door.

“It’s my boss’s boss,” she said as she came back to the throne.

A French cruller met its fate. “Oh? And what does he want?”

“To know what it will take to negotiate with you.”

Loki smirked. “Unless I have been demoted, I believe level seven is required to negotiate directly with me on behalf of SHIELD.”

Darcy went to the door to relay this. A moment later she came back. “Hey, just checking, but that thing where you’ll speak only to me – that’s still in effect, right?”

Long, slender fingers pulled at the flaky flesh of a French cruller. “That is correct.”

“You’re an evil man,” she said in admiration, and went back to the door. The level six’s voice rose briefly, Darcy countered him, and he left.

“You,” Loki announced suddenly, pointing at an agent who jumped guiltily. “You were planning to betray me, to steal my wealth and be a hero to your coworkers. Take that fresh pot of sludge and deliver it to Director Fury’s office.” He scrawled a note, folded it twice, and sealed it with green light. “Deliver this, as well.”

The terrified citizen obeyed without a word.

“I am recommending promotions for all of you,” he explained to his subjects once the messenger had departed. “You are, all of you, excellent wordsmiths and should be rewarded for your skill. Your craft should be honed and used as the weapon it is.”

A ragged chorus of surprised thanks lapped at him and he lounged on his makeshift throne, pleased.

The next hour and a half comprised of Loki giving lessons in deception to some of his faithful subjects while the gatekeepers turned away a steady stream of increasingly-pitiful beggars.

“He’s back,” South Gatekeeper said finally. “Miss Darcy, he’s got your new ID badge and a bunch of papers for you to sign.”

“Oh, by all means, let him in.” Loki gestured to a table. “Come, sit, have some coffee.”

The tired-looking man shot him a grateful smile. “You’re too kind, your majesty. Ah…here, Darcy, you have to sign these. They go with your new rank. Ahah.”

Eyebrows raised, she sat and scanned the pages, mouthing passages to herself before signing each one. “And this is effective immediately?”

“Oh, that’s good coffee. Yep, immediately. Authorized by the Director himself.”

Darcy signed the last one with a flourish and clipped the brand-new badge to her chest. “Level seven. Hey Loki, I’m officially allowed to talk to you now.”

“Imagine that,” the Asgardian said with a grin. “I suppose you’re here to negotiate with me for the riches my kingdom contains.”

She glanced at one of the papers. “Yep. Part of my new job description. So, how about it?”

Loki waved one hand dismissively. “It’s been fun, but I’m bored now. You can have it back.”

Darcy’s boss’s boss stared. “That’s it? Your whole goal was to get her promoted?”

The look Loki gave him was beyond chilly. “Listen well, you sniveling pig. Darcy Lewis is a friend, and I will not suffer her being kept ignorant of my location or tolerate unwarranted disrespect for her. I struck a secret bargain with your Director to attain this outcome, and gave him my word that I would release your coffee supply upon her successful promotion.” He gestured, making every screen come alive. “I, Loki of Caffeina, hereby relinquish the throne of the second-floor break room, dissolve my kingdom, and free all of my subjects from their oaths of fealty. The coffee that was my kingdom’s treasury shall be returned to its rightful places, the last acts of my former subjects. However, there is a gentleman in my presence who threatens to be rude to one of his subordinates. Should he continue in this ill-advised path, you will find the coffee still in the break room, but no longer confined to neat packages.” Another gesture and the video cut out. “The choice is yours.”

Nervously, the man glanced between Darcy, the stony faces of the former Caffeinans, and the downright icy expression of loathing on Loki’s. “I apologize for my rudeness. Congratulations, Miss Lewis. If you’ll excuse me, I need to go file these.”

“Let me escort you,” Loki said. It was not an offer. “We wouldn’t want those to get…misplaced. Darcy?”

Darcy grinned and poured herself another cup of R&D’s coffee, then refilled Loki’s mug. “Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”