moonshadows | Claudia: Todd-o-rama

"N-no no no, why don't you text him back?" Artie gestured vaguely. "I remember him. He was...inoffensive."

Claudia rolled her eyes. "Oh, well, strike up the band."

"You are allowed to date, you know."

Without even turning around, she knew his arms would be crossed after that dry delivery. "But what if I don't want to?" She spun around and yes, that was the look she thought she'd see.

She was expecting more fluster, but all Artie said was, "Have you ever done it?"

"No." Duh, was the look she gave him. "I've known every boy in Univille since I was ten. There's no mystery there." Uh-oh. That was Artie's ''I've won, you just haven't seen it yet' look.

"But Todd just moved here. You don't know anything about him except that he works in the hardware store. Think of it as a training exercise for when you meet someone you do want to date."

He was right. He'd won, and they both knew it. The topic was dead now, time to switch to teasing. "I can't believe you're actually talking me into dating. Aren't father-figures supposed to, y'know, wave shotguns menacingly at young men instead of pushing their little girls at them?"

Artie rolled with it. "I could go get the McCoy rifle."

Oh god. He was serious. He wanted her to go on a date. Claudia turned back around. "Going back to work now."

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Her phone rang while she was introducing the blood into the mass spectrometer. With one hand, she held the needle steady while with the other, she fished it out of her pocket and tossed it at Artie. "Answer that. It's Todd. Don't get me betrothed."

Chuckling softly, Artie answered it and moved out of range. All she caught was "...has her hands full." A few minutes later, he came back. "You're meeting Todd at the Univille Diner at three. Less than a date, more than meeting a complete stranger. And he knows I have a rifle."

Claudia laughed.

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"So," Todd said as she slid into the booth across from him. "Who was the guy who answered your phone, and why did he tell me he has a rifle?"

She stared at him for a few seconds. "He actually told you that? I thought he was joking!"

"Does this mean he doesn't have a rifle?"

"He has two of them," she sighed. "I don't think he'd actually shoot you. He's a pretty lousy shot anyway, and those are...antiques. He's pretty into antiques. Probably because he is one."

"So...is he your father?"

"Almost." Claudia picked up the menu, trying to evade the question. Todd followed her lead, and the waitress took the hint.

"Ready to order?" she asked, pen hovering over pad.

Todd went first. "I'll have the BLT."

"Chili, extra onions." Not like she even had to read the menu. It was her go-to meal.

"I guess that means no good-bye kiss," Todd joked lamely as the waitress walked off.

The thought hadn't even crossed her mind. Good grief, Artie was right, she needed the practice at this.

"Not that I was expecting one," he backpedaled, misinterpreting her expression.

Frantically, Claudia shuffled through thoughts and conversation options. She didn't want to close the door on kissing, but she didn't want to encourage it either. Humor. How could she flip this around? "I'm not that Jewish," she blurted.

Todd looked baffled. "What?"

"Bacon. Your BLT. Pork. Jews don't eat...?" The confusion wasn't clearing up. She covered her face briefly with her hands. "Right. You just moved here. You don't know anything about me."

"You're Jewish?" he ventured.

"Not...quite. Okay. The guy who answered the phone, his name is Artie. He's my boss. I lost my parents in a car crash when I was six. My brother took me in but a few years later he was...in an accident. Artie was there on business and he'd coincidentally witnessed my parents' death, so I kind of latched onto him and he took legal custody of me. So he's like my father, but he's not my father."

Todd looked like he was struggling to take all of that in. "And he's Jewish."

"Yes."

"That doesn't bother you, him being your boss?"

Claudia shrugged. "It's kind of like growing up in a family business, I guess? My life hasn't exactly been normal for a long time."

Their orders arrived, and he toyed with a french fry for a minute. "So...where did you go to high school?"

"I didn't." She took a bite of chili and savored the onions. "Homeschooled. Univille isn't exactly the academic capitol of South Dakota. You?"

"Oh, uh..." Suddenly, he was the one being evasive. "It's a...little town. You wouldn't have heard of it."

Hipster joke, or music joke? Hipster joke, or music joke? Music joke; his glasses were too close, he might actually be a hipster. "Maybe," she said cheerfully, "but hum a few bars, and I'll fake it."

Whoosh, went the joke, right over Todd's head.

"I play guitar," she clarified. "And sing. But usually not in public."

"Oh. I, uh, don't."

"That's cool." Claudia took another bite of chili. "Do you listen to music?"

Todd's face lit up. "Y- no," he corrected, mid-word, and promptly stuffed his mouth with fries.

Curiouser and curiouser, she thought, letting the moment pass and giving them both a chance to enjoy their meals before they cooled.

"So," she said, when she was scraping the sides of her bowl and he was eating the last sad little fries. "I'm not so Jewish that I forsake the glory that is bacon."

"I like onions," he replied hopefully.

Suddenly, all the what-ifs and possibilities condensed into the top of a flowchart. "Are you looking for a long-term relationship?"

"What? No-no, I can't."

That was a phrasing that had her itching to question further, but it didn't matter. "Good. Neither am I. Are you looking for a short-term relationship, someone to make out with, or just someone who doesn't bore you to tears?"

He gave her a shy little smile. "Can I pick more than one?"

"Yes," she declared magnanimously.

"Then I'd like to start with option three, with maybe a little of option two?"

That settled some questions, but raised others. "How good are you with not asking questions?"

For just a second, Todd looked like he was trying to not laugh hysterically. "Did you notice me not asking what you were doing with that weird old camera that projected the head of that gu....wait a second." Realization spread across his face. "Was that Artie? Your boss-slash-father?"

"The grumpmeister himself," she confirmed.

"And that whole camera projection thing...that was strictly top-secret IRS work which I am in no way curious about."

"If you're smart."

"So it sounds like life with the IRS is kind of exciting and unpredictable, and I don't want to know what will happen to me if I ask questions."

"You're good at that," Claudia said with admiration.

Todd smiled, but it looked more than a little like a grimace. "Don't ask."

Claudia made a lip-zipping motion, but inside she squirmed a little in gleeful anticipation of a new puzzle to test her skills with.