Loki: Coming clean

[moonshadows]

Where there had been four in the comfortable, triangular room, now there were five. Three of them burst into brief motion.

“He casts no shadow,” Fandral said, relaxing. Sif and Volstagg followed suit.

“Why are you here?” demanded Sif, perhaps a shade too rudely.

Loki’s projection smiled sadly. “I am here because my honor has been restored through combat and mercy, and I may finally confess my lies.” He gave them a moment to think about that. “That day in the throne room, I lied to you.”

“No.”

Everyone stared at Hogun.

“Every word you spoke was the truth. It was your manner that lied.”

Loki’s eyebrows crawled up his forehead, and they weren’t the only ones.

Sif said, “Hogun, you were the one to first suggest we go after Thor.”

“He is right.” Loki waited until all eyes were back on him. “I lied to you with my manner. I wanted you to go after my brother. With the lies I’d already told him, hearing the truth from you would transmute his grief into rage at me. When the Destroyer arrived on your heels, that rage would give him a reason to live. He would throw away his pride in order to save the innocents I threatened.” Loki swallowed, expression open and vulnerable. “He would be again worthy of his powers. Heimdall would bring him home, and he would come after me, just in time to prevent Laufey from slaying the Allfather. That was my plan.”

Volstagg turned to stare at Hogun. “Wait, so if you knew he was lying, why did you suggest we go after Thor?”

“Saving time,” came the terse reply.

Sif, Fandral, and Volstagg exchanged looks while Loki smiled faintly at Hogun, whose eyes crinkled in the corners. No one needed to say that they would have done so eventually; their silent companion was not one to waste words, so they carried more weight when he used them. The implication that Hogun had caught onto Loki’s plan and was actively helping it along was not lost on them, either.

Fandral shifted uneasily. “So…were you the one who let three Jotuns into Asgard?”

“I was.”

“…why?”

Loki sighed. “Because Thor was too reckless. He was thinking like a warrior, not as a king. The Allfather saw it, too, after he brought us back from Jotunheim. That’s why Thor was banished.”

“But you had the throne,” Sif prodded.

“And I didn’t want it.”

That gave her pause. “Why not?”

“Well, aside from the fact that I’ve never been serious enough to enjoy all that responsibility, and the fact that I love Thor too dearly to ever be comfortable taking what was always meant for him, there’s the fact that I’m half Jotun.” Loki smiled lightly. “I see no one’s mentioned that. Goodness, did Father and Heimdall keep my secret all this time?”

Volstagg closed his mouth, only to open it again. “You’re a Jotun?”

“Half. Laufey’s son, actually. One of them grabbed me, and instead of my flesh freezing, my arm turned blue. It was quite the unpleasant revelation.”

“Well, no wonder you were so cold to us that day.” The bearded warrior chuckled. “No pun intended.”

Sif was frowning. “You did all of that, sacrificed everything you could have had, for Thor?”

“And I would do it all again,” Loki affirmed. “Although perhaps I would have walked a bit slower so that he could actually catch Laufey, and I could have been discredited without having to threaten genocide and the bifrost could remain intact and I wouldn’t have been tortured by the Chitauri. That was most unpleasant.”

“He says it so casually,” Fandral remarked to Hogun.

“My friends, I thank you for your part in my deception, and I apologize that you had to be deceived.” Loki swept them a low bow. “I only hope that you can forgive me.”

Hogun returned the bow first. “Your goal was noble, and you brought honor to your realm and family. I am proud to name you a friend.”

“You have never played us false, despite all your tricks,” Sif said with a bow of her own. “I am glad my mistrust aided your goal, but shamed that I doubted you so easily. It will not happen again.”

“I thought I had misjudged you, and your seeming betrayal hurt me.” Fandral grinned and bowed. “I am glad indeed that I was wrong.”

Volstagg swept Loki an elaborate bow. “To forgive would require you to do something requiring forgiveness. You were able to keep your head in the midst of everything else, and Asgard is in your debt. The next tavern we visit together, you drink on me.”

Loki returned Volstagg’s easy smile. “I’ll hold you to that,” he said warmly. “Thank you, my friends.”

Sif strode forward suddenly, arms around Loki’s projection before he could react. “Thank you for what you did for Thor,” she whispered, then stepped back.

Hiding his reaction with a flourish of his cape, Loki released the projection.

Darcy stabbed her bowl office cream a few times absently. “Okay, what did you want to tell me?”

“You know, of course, about the horrible ice monster sending living pieces of glacier towards New York.” Loki paced back and forth like a caged panther, one hand picking at the other.

“Yeah, and I know that Tony Stark beat the crap out of you.” She glanced at the places where the bowls of white stones should have been, but weren’t. “What did you do, Loki?”

“I got what I came to this realm for.” Guiltily, he glanced at her before looking away. “He held my life in his hands and found me worthy of saving. My life is his now, until the day he dies. My honor has been cleansed through blood and mercy, and I may confess my lies.”

Quietly, she asked, “Has any of our friendship been a lie?”

“No, of course not!” Even more distraught, he fell to his knees beside her. “No, Darcy. You are my precious friend and, more than anything, the one who kept me sane enough to reach this point.”

She looked at him, blue eyes wide and sad. “Then what haven’t you told me?”

Loki closed his eyes. “I am a monster.”

“Stop that! You are not!” Warm hands on his cheeks forced his head up, and when he opened his eyes, she was glaring at him. “I know you’re adopted. I don’t care what race you are, you’re Loki, and you’re my friend, and your brother’s a moron for not appreciating you because you are the sweetest, most compassionate person I’ve ever known, and…” She was crying now, but she didn’t care. “And you’ve been suffering for so long, unable to tell anyone about it, but you’re still you, don’t you see?”

The warmth leeched out of his skin, leaving him cold and blue, his expressive grey eyes now wholly an angry red. “This is what I am,” he whispered, the silk-and-steel rustle she expected coming out as a rasp. “Frostgiant. Jotun. Monster.”

“Not a monster,” she repeated firmly, hands still holding his head up. “You told me you love your son, and your birth father had to have loved you. Monsters don’t love anyone.”

He sighed, warmth flowing back into his body as the blue tint left it. “Easily said, but I grew up my entire life loathing the Jotuns. All of Asgard loathes them, they are the boogeymen that parents use to scare children into behaving combined with the brutality of your Nazis and wrapped in the form of an eight- to ten-foot blue-skinned giant with red eyes and the ability to form ice at will.”

“This is why you cut yourself, or stabbed yourself, or burned yourself in the shower.”

“Yes.”

“And now Tony Stark owns your life and you get to work out your issues by doing what he says.”

“In essence, yes.”

“Okay.” Darcy let her hands fall and glared at him again. “Then stop hurting yourself and promise me that you’ll try to stop thinking of yourself as a monster, and I promise to not tell him that you ever did any of it.” She grinned at his look of surprise. “Oh, and two more things: if we’re ever in a snowball fight, I’m on your team, and in the summer, I get Jotunhugs when it’s miserably hot out.”

Loki’s lips twitched, forming a fragile smile. “You have my word. For you, Darcy Lewis.”

 

“Captain Rogers.”

Steve looked up from the punching bag he was in the middle of abusing. “Loki. What’s up?”

“As part of the tradition of having my honor cleansed, I am confessing my sins to those whom I have wronged.” The slender Asgardian paced forward, stopping some feet away from Captain America. “Thank you, first, for your excellent timing in Germany. I would not have enjoyed having to kill an elderly warrior with a stout enough heart to stand against one such as I was pretending to be.” He took a deep breath. “I never intended to win the battle against you. I used you, and the others, as a weapon with which to slay my tormentors. Agent Coulson told me that I would lose because I lacked conviction; I will forever regret his death and the inability to praise him for his.”

The blonde man stared at Loki in shock.

“I was watching you, seventy years ago. Myself and the Allfather. We had to be ready to intervene should the Tesseract be misused badly enough.” He took a deep breath, pale eyes firmly on Rogers’s. “I am sorry for the loss of your companion, and I assure you that Red Skull did not arrive in one piece.”

“Bucky…” Steve looked down, away, then back up. “Thank you, Loki. That…that means a lot to me.”

Without warning, he embraced the startled Asgardian in as fierce a hug as Thor had ever given him. After a moment, Loki returned the embrace.

“So the Chitauri tortured you?” he half-asked as he stepped back to the punching bag and resumed throwing blows at it. “Can’t say I’m surprised. How did you wind up there, anyway?”

“I played the villain in order to make my brother into a hero. It didn’t quite work, and I needed a way to disgrace myself. Since I have no love for the race that birthed me, I thought an attempt at genocide would do nicely.” Loki grimaced. “Thor decided to break the Bridge when he couldn’t figure out how to stop it, and we both nearly fell into the void. The Allfather caught us, but…if I’d stayed, it would have broken my brother’s heart to see me, and possibly plunged our realm into civil war. So I let go.”

The rhythmic impacts stopped. “You threw yourself into the void for the sake of your country?”

Uncomfortably, Loki nodded.

“I have to say, I’m not sorry. Asgard’s loss is our gain, and I think you’ve got enough conviction that Coulson would have saluted you.” He started to strike the bag again, then stopped. “Hey, you do much hand-to-hand fighting?”

Loki gave him a wan smile. “Thor is my brother.”

“Right. Silly question. So…you want to spar sometime? If you’re going to be part of the team, well, the better we get to know each other, the more comfortable we are on a battlefield together, right?”

“That is the theory, yes…”

Steve grinned. “Come on, Loki. You do science with Stark and Banner, you can go a few rounds three times a week with me. What do you say?”

Pale eyes searched his for a long moment before Loki smiled. “I say…yes. And thank you.”

 

The inspection was so routine that it wasn’t until Erik Selvig was actively shaking Loki’s hand that he realized who the lab assistant had been showing around.

“Thank you,” Loki said in a soft voice, eyes never leaving Erik’s. “Dr. Selvig can take it from here.”

“Yes sir, Mr. Odinson,” the assistant said before hurrying off.

“No offense, but you still make me nervous.”

Loki smiled dryly. “None taken.”

“So, what brings you to my quiet little lab?”

“Tony Stark cleansed my honor, and I am free to confess my sins. I owe you a debt, Erik Selvig, for having used you.”

Erik turned away, fiddling with a monitor. “I’m not so sure that you do.”

“No matter how polite I was about it, I still violated your will and for that, Erik Selvig, I apologize.”

“If I’d known what was going on, I would have volunteered,” he said stubbornly.

“But I did not give you that choice.”

The stout scientist sighed. “No, you didn’t. But you chose me over anyone else in the lab, and for that I…thank you.”

“No, do not thank me.” The urgency in Loki’s voice made Erik turn around and look at him curiously, then in shock at the visible dismay on the Asgardian’s face. “I wronged you. Let me make it right.”

“You showed me something I could never have seen for myself.”

“Not true. You were getting close, but your theory was flawed. It would have taken time, but you would have corrected it eventually.”

Selvig coughed. “Actually…it’s Jane’s theory.”

“Then I shall visit her next, and pay my debt to her in knowledge. But first…” Loki’s long fingers flew over the smooth surface of the screen, which filled slowly with diagrams and calculations. “Thor’s banishment and punishment were not my doing,” he said in a low voice as he worked. “The conditions of both were dependent on his becoming worthy in the Allfather’s eyes. Putting aside selfishness and petty ambition for the good of the Realms. In other words, he had to become a hero.” For just an instant, his fingers stilled, then burst back into frenetic activity. “A hero cannot exist without a villain to fight, or he is merely a bully.”

“So you became the villain. I don’t know what you did, Loki, but it worked.”

Pale eyes stared into their reflections, nearly hidden behind a wall of characters and lines. “I lied to him. He is my brother, and I know him better than he knows himself. After he failed to lift the hammer and SHIELD captured him, I visited him. I broke his every hope. I told him that our father was dead, implied that he had died with no love for Thor in his heart. That our mother had no love for him, either. That the solution to the war he’d started involved him being forever banished from his home.”

“That’s why he was so different in the bar, that night.” Erik was quiet for a long moment. “You’re a good brother.”

“Because I know how best to shatter Thor’s heart?”

“Because you did it for his sake. You made him a hero.”

A laugh, short and bitter, escaped Loki. “It wasn’t enough. Father still thought-” He shook his head. “If I had stayed, it would have broken Thor’s heart. I hurled myself into an abyss formed of the consequences of…Thor’s…actions, and wound up in the claws of the Chitauri.”

“And then you used lies and trickery to get yourself out of it.” Selvig’s reflection joined Loki’s on the screen. “I grew up reading stories of you, and Thor, and everyone. I know they’re not all true, but they’re true enough. Earth’s better, overall, for your little visit, and I got to be part of something that will live on long after I’m gone.” Suddenly, he squinted and bent over the calculations, gently elbowing Loki out of the way. “Yes…yes, of course. I understand now.”

“Does this sufficiently compensate you for everything, Erik Selvig?”

The scientist straightened and met Loki’s gaze squarely, one hand outstretched. “Better than sufficient. Thank you.”

After a moment, Loki took the other man’s hand and shook it firmly. “Well, then…I suppose I’m off to visit Jane Foster.”

Selvig smiled broadly. “Tell her I said hi.”

 

Jane Foster leaned forward, elbows on her desk, fingertips massaging her eyes and temples. When she sat back with a sigh, a tall, lean figure in a tailored suit was sitting on the corner of the desk smiling quietly at her.

“Erik Selvig sends his regards,” Loki said.

“Loki.” Jane’s tone hovered somewhere between fear and anger.

He inclined his head. “You don’t trust me. I take no offense. However, Tony Stark owns my loyalty now and so I am making the rounds, as it were, clearing the air and paying my debts.”

Her forehead wrinkled as she frowned. “And you have a debt to me?”

“I sent the Destroyer to force Thor to be a hero, sacrificing himself for all of you. I am, at least partially, responsible for his shattering the Rainbow Bridge and being unable to return to you, and your brilliant research failing to re-open the broken bifrost.”

She crossed her arms and leaned back in her chair. “Not much of a debt.”

Loki arched one expressive eyebrow. “I hampered your work. I am here to undo that damage. Your theory, while brilliant, is flawed.”

“I got half of it from Thor,” she said, one hand waving the issue away. To her surprise, Loki laughed.

“That would be why half of it is far too simplistic.” He grinned. “My brother has never been the most gifted or devoted student of anything that is taught from a book.”

Jane found herself smiling back. “I can believe that. So, are you here to correct me?”

Loki stood up and gestured another chair over, then seated himself and reached for a blank sheet of paper and a pen. “The least I can do is make sure that you’re working with the full concepts, and not the watered-down version my brother gave you.” The pen fairly flew over the sheet, leaving diagrams and formulae in its wake.

“He said that where he came from, science and magic were one.” Tucking a few strands of hair behind one ear, she leaned over to see what he was writing.

“Magic follows its own rules,” he conceded, “but calling them one and the same is like saying astrophysics is the same as molecular biology. Here, see what you can make of this.”

Jane took the sheet he offered her, eyebrows drawing together as she skimmed the densely-packed information. “Wow. Okay. Yeah, I can see – oh, that’s why-!” She looked up. “Thank you.”

The Asgardian smiled, the sort of expression two fellow enthusiasts would share. “My brother’s overly-simplified explanations were holding your work back.”

She looked at the paper a moment longer before setting it aside. “Alright. Well, while I’ve got you here, let’s talk about Darcy.”

Loki’s eyebrows climbed towards his hairline. “Very well. What did you wish to discuss regarding Miss Lewis?”

“Let’s start with why. Why did you two start dating? Was it because of her connection to Thor?”

“Yes,” he began slowly, “but not the way you think. She introduced herself as Darcy Lewis, I tased your brother. She knew who I was, and established herself immediately as someone who was fearless in the face of Asgardians. It amused me. I asked her out to dinner, where she proceeded to prove that she understood me better than most anyone else on this world.”

“So why aren’t you still together? You seem to get along fine.”

He shrugged. “We were never romantically involved. What you saw was the intimacy of friends. She wanted romance; I wanted her to be happy. Why would I object to her seeking what she desired?”

Jane Foster stared at him as though he were a particularly stubborn bit of data that refused to reconcile. “And it doesn’t bother you, seeing her with other men?”

“Not as long as she is happy.”

“Okay. Right. That answers that.” She paused, savoring a thought before she said, “What if you were what would make her happy?”

Loki stared into her warm, brown eyes for a long moment. “Then I hope she would tell me, so that we might discuss the matter.”

“And you’d invite me to the wedding?” she pressed with a grin.

He drew himself up with as much dignity as he could muster. “Certainly not. Every wise man knows that it is not his place to dictate even a single detail of such an event.”

Smiling broadly, Jane applauded him. “Well said, well said. You’re forgiven. I think I may even like you a little.” She laughed as he bowed with a flourish and a remarkably warm smile. “Any time you want to stop by and correct my work, feel free.”

“Ask Darcy for – actually, never mind. I would not advise trying to get in touch with me through my Facebook, as Darcy maintains it for me. But there are other avenues of communication.” On another piece of scrap paper, he scrawled his email address and telephone number. “Should you wish to consult with me, you have but to ask.”

“Thank you.” She glanced down at the paper, bit her lip, and asked, “Are you okay with me…and…your brother?”

He tilted his head slightly. “Why wouldn’t I be? I know Thor better than he knows himself. I know that he will not be improper with you.”

Lighthearted and smiling, Jane exchanged farewells with him.

 

“I see you’ve been busy.” Nick Fury didn’t look surprised in the least to see Loki in his office.

The Asgardian spread unrepentant hands. “All things I was unable to do before.”

“And you’re here now because…?”

Loki sat without being asked. “Because I am sorry for the agents I killed when I made my first appearance in your base. I apologize for the destruction of the facility and all the equipment inside it, all the progress that was lost. I apologize for the damage done to the Helicarrier during my escape, and for any agents killed or wounded during that time. It pains me greatly that Agent Coulson did not survive his wounds. I have tried to pay my debt to SHIELD by weakening your enemies, luring them out before they were ready, or simply disposing of them before they could become a true threat, but…” One shoulder rose and fell as he gestured helplessly. “It’s hard to say how many deaths my actions have spared.”

Fury reached impassively for the controls of his screens, tapping a moment before saying, “Alright. How about you start by giving me an account of your…shall we say…extracurricular activities.”

The recitation took the better part of an hour, with Fury occasionally asking for clarification on intent, method, or death toll. Loki recited names and locations with forced calm, while the Director recorded information with the same stoic expression. When the flow of events dried up, there was a tense silence while Fury manipulated his screens and Loki waited like a prisoner scheduled for execution.

“Looks like you’re in the black,” Fury said finally.

“I – what?”

The Director cracked a small smile. “You’re in the black. Your ledger is clear, your debt has been paid. I balanced every SHIELD death that occurred between your arrival and you being taken into custody against the threats you took out on your own, and even marking them off one to one, we owe you.”

Loki blinked, unable to quite process the news. “But…the equipment, the…”

“It’s just money,” Fury said gently. “The Council was unhappy that your brother took the Tesseract back with him, but the continued lack of a need for the weaponry they wanted produced with it has pacified them somewhat.”

Now the Asgardian looked up, pale eyes steely. “I am the cause of your Phase Two. I woke that fear by sending the Destroyer to test my brother’s mettle; it falls to me to ensure that weapons such as the one you tried to make from its remains are not required.”

Fury smiled again, briefly. “A good thing, too, because our prototype stopped working shortly after you came back.”

“That would be because I deactivated what remained of its magic.”

“I suppose you’re the reason all the pieces went missing?”

Long fingers flicked, dismissing the entire issue. “It was never yours to keep. Thor never was any good at picking up his toys when he was done with them.”

Another notation on the screens. “Alright. So unless you have any objections, just keep doing what you’ve been doing and submit a report after you’ve gone out on a mission. Got it?”

 “Yes, sir.”

“Then get out of my office.”

Loki smiled and vanished.