Loki: Bananas are delicious

[moonshadows]

Thor was, once again, in Asgard.

The collective evil masterminds of Earth were either licking their wounds from Loki’s latest visits, or wisely keeping their heads down to avoid inviting a visit.

Darcy was on a date.

He didn’t begrudge her the night out; that would be unworthy of him, and insulting to a woman with a spirit as strong as any warrior’s. She was a fine woman, and she deserved a man who made her happy, and whomever she chose to audition for that part deserved to not do so under his watchful eye. But it did leave him with the urge to cause mischief, and no one to cause it on.

Except SHIELD.

Loki bent the Odinsight to Agent Barton, the man he owed the greatest debt to after his little association with the Chitauri. Tonight’s chaos would be a gift to him, an opportunity to chase his one-time mental master away from his territory. It was a fairly small SHIELD base in the Midwest, yet another stop on an endless tour of checking facilities.

Time to provide a distraction.

It started innocently enough, with an unexpected delivery of fresh bananas. The agents off-duty swarmed the unexpected fresh fruit, but as soon as the first banana was peeled, a scream rang out.

The fruit inside bore a smiling face carved into it. It was tossed into a garbage can.

A second banana was peeled. This one was shaped like a snake, and dropped as though it were alive.

The third one bore an uncanny resemblance to an erect penis, and was discarded as quickly as the other two. From a quiet corner, veiled from casual detection, Loki grinned.

It wasn’t long before Hawkeye came running to see what the fuss was, black rage on his face as he took in the sight of half a dozen half-peeled bananas scattered on the floor, each one a different shape. Slowly, deliberately, he plucked one from the untouched bunches and peeled it.

Black Widow’s body, naked from the waist up, greeted his scowl and met its fate inside his mouth. Grimly, Barton consumed the banana and reached for a second one. This time, it was his own nude torso that was revealed, and he ate that banana as well.

Growing bolder as nothing bad happened, one of the other SHIELD employees sidled up and grabbed a banana.

“I don’t care what it looks like,” Barton warned. “If you peel it, eat it.”

The banana was a startlingly lifelike representation of Loki sticking his tongue out.

The SHIELD agent screamed and dropped the fruit; Barton’s heart raged at perfectly good food being ruined and suddenly, Loki understood why the archer loathed him so. He couldn’t leave a prank without a conclusion, though, or his victims would forever be on edge. To that end, he sidled up and peeled a perfectly normal banana.

“Care for a bite?” he asked politely, offering it to Hawkeye before vanishing in a cloud of banana-shaped confetti.

 

He’d caused offense. Actual, honest-to-goodness offense. This was unacceptable; reparations had to be made, an apology presented – but in such a way that it stood a chance of being recognized for what it was and, hopefully, accepted.

There were a surprising number of websites willing to deliver a case of fresh bananas to someone. Furthermore, the sheer number of 'food of the month’ clubs he could sign Barton up for made him cackle. Exotic fruits. Apples. Chocolate. Cheeses. Smoked salmon. Organic vegetables. Bacon. Coffee. Actually, he signed Banner up for that one. And Stark for monthly wines. After some consideration, Black Widow was scheduled to receive deliveries of assorted hot sauces and for Captain America, popcorn. A year’s subscription each ought to do it, he thought with satisfaction.

Halfway to the kitchen for a snack of frozen peanut butter cups, Loki stopped. A broad grin spread over his face, and he dashed back to the sleek laptop Darcy had helped him pick out. Frantic typing, a few mouseclicks, and he leaned back in awed admiration for the humans of this country.

The next time Thor visited, there would be considerable amusement at his expense as the other Avengers tried to explain what condoms were, and why he was the recipient of monthly deliveries of said items.