38. Make up

[moonshadows]

Laughing, Varian "falls" over and lands with his head in my lap, cocky smile daring me to object. I scowl fiercely, strawberry poised to splatter against his face from short range, then lower it gently to his lips. As his expression shifts to surprise, mine softens to a smile and my other hand gently combs his unruly hair. Eyes full of wonder, he nibbles the sweet fruit, and I feel a pang of guilt. Am I so cruel to him that kindness is such a surprise? I am bearing his child, doesn't he know how much I care for him? My smile fades, but he doesn't see it. His eyes are closed in blissful contentment.

"Varian?"

He doesn't open his eyes at my soft question. "Yes, my lovely lady wife?"

"Why do you love me?"

Now his eyes open, confusion and concern at my expression. "Taretha, you're feeding me strawberries with my head in your lap. Why wouldn't I?"

"I know why you love me now, but why did you love me before...?"

He is silent for a long moment, eyes serious and a little sad. "When I first saw you, I thought you were about to get jumped by your escort. You looked so confident and relaxed, completely unaware of the armed, scowling orcs right behind you." He gropes for my hand and grips it tightly. "When I discovered they were protecting you, I assumed you were....ah, that you occupied a similar position in the Horde as you did in Durnhole. I was mistaken, of course, but being corrected just made me more determined to..." He trails off and grins sheepishly at me. "I know it sounds bad, but let me explain. Yes, I wanted to rescue you, but I saw you as a kindred spirit. You'd gone through hell and still dared the world to do its worst. You weren't impressed by me, and yes, that reminded me of Tiffin so strongly that it hurt." He squeezes my hand again, gently. "You made me remember, for the first time in years, what it was like to be treated like a man rather than a king or a slave. You made me realize how poorly I'd been behaving. If you could be so poised and genteel in the heart of the Horde...well, what was my excuse for not being a gentleman?"

"I thought you were a brute," I say softly.

"I was. You challenged me not to be. I thought I would have time to court you properly, but that idea died when I saw you at the Coliseum and realized you'd just seen me at...less than my best. You ravaged me that day, Tari. I don't think I realized how much Lo'gosh had been influencing me until I tried to be Varian again."

Now it is my hand that squeezes his. "Why did you ask to call on me? I never understood why you would want to spend more time with me when I'd just been so..." I bite me lip, but he smiles up at me.

"Kindred spirit, my lady wife. You weren't afraid to speak your mind to me. You challenged me, and I always was a sucker for a challenge. My world was split into Varian and Lo'gosh back then; diplomacy and battle. Mazes of words, and forests of blades. I was trying to unify them, but that meant I was treating diplomacy as a battle and I was the only one who was. No one called me on it, trying to smooth things over. You fought back. I meant it when I said you were the most exciting opponent I'd faced in a while."

"That's why you weren't put off when I hurt you?" My cheeks are burning.

"You usually don't win a fight without taking some hits." Varian releases my hand and caresses my cheek. "Hey. What's wrong?"

"I hurt you, Varian. I said some horrible things to you."

"Taretha, you make it sound like the things you said were untrue or undeserved."

"Did you deserve to have them said so baldly?"

He laughs. "I don't think I would have listened if they weren't. How long did it take me to realize what my drinking was doing to you?"

I flush again. "I told you, I don't mind now. The worst part was hearing how miserable you were and knowing that it was my fault."

In the blink of an eye, he is kneeling before me with both hands on my cheeks, eyes serious and sad again. "Don't. Don't blame yourself for that. Don't - just don't. Tari, every day I saw you was a good day. Even if you were angry with me."

"You were so sad," I whisper, tears trickling gently from my eyes. "I did that to you."

"No, Tari. No..." One thumb brushes my cheek, wiping a tear away, but others replace it.

"Once, you thought it was a dream. You told me you didn't want to wake up because I was nice to you in your dream."

Nearly frantic now, he pulls me into his arms and I bury my face in his shoulder. I know it’s pregnancy making me so weepy, but I can’t help it.

"Shhh, Tari. Bin mog g'thazag cha. I won't say it doesn't hurt when you're angry with me, but it's not as horrible as you think. I knew Blackmoore wasn't gentle with you. I've seen dogs and horses that were mistreated; they bite and kick even when there's no threat because they're afraid there will be one. Your sharp words were your defense. If you were angry with me..." he swallows and holds me tighter. "Tari, the day I frightened you...I realized then how badly you'd been hurt. I saw you withdraw inside yourself. I saw you die, right before my eyes, and what was left was an empty shell. That's when you won."

"Won?" My voice is small, and I can feel him stroke my hair.

"My heart. To see you, so fierce and strong, turn into a blank-faced doll...I wanted to protect you. Avenge you. I wanted to chase away that fear forever. That's why...if you were angry with me, even though it hurt, I didn't mind. Because it meant that you were still there, still fierce and defiant. You still felt something. I'd rather have you hate me than be the doll."

Nooooo y’gotta be angrier.

"Merciless and without reason," he continues when it is clear that I am not going to say anything. "I know you didn't want to hurt me that badly, you just wanted me to back off. You held yourself in check enough times for me to see that. You wouldn't have done that if you didn't care deep down. That's why I never gave up. When you unleashed your wrath on me, I would think about your empty eyes and your gentle fingers checking my hand, and remember that you are merciful in your victories despite the horrors you've suffered. And you never gave up on me. No matter how many times I messed up, you never said 'you're hopeless' and turned your back. When you let me..." His voice drops to a whisper as emotion chokes him. "When you let me put that ring on your finger, I knew I had a chance to help you, but that it would hurt. A lot. You were walking into a gilded cage; I knew you would ravage me as you hadn't before because you would be terrified, but that it wouldn't last forever as long as I didn’t return the hostility. You’d eventually be comfortable enough that you wouldn’t need to fend me off so harshly. I didn't expect you to actually love me. I would have settled for friendship. I just wanted you to be able to face the world without Blackmoore's ghost haunting you."

"That still doesn't excuse the things I said to you." Despite myself, the scent of hazelwood and the solid bulk of him are relaxing me. "I knew you were trying to help, but I pushed you away. I'm sorry, Varian. I appreciated what you did, but I just couldn't- I wasn't ready."

Awkwardly, he twists until he can lay a kiss on my head. "Shhh, Tari. It's okay. Broll told me I would have to be gentle with you, but he didn't know you the way I did. He didn't see the look of fierce pride on your face when I thrashed those orcs on the street in Orgrimmar. He didn't see the way fear bleeds out of the corners of your eyes when you're in a formal gown. You don't want gentle, my lady. You want fierce and strong and noble and honorable. You want a wolf."

"Still, I'm sorry for all the times I hurt you. You didn't deserve that."

"You didn't deserve to suffer at Blackmoore's hands. Tiffin didn't deserve to die by the hands of the people she loved. My father didn't deserve to die at Garona's hand. Jaina didn't deserve to have to choose between her family and the good of her people. There's plenty of bad to go around, Tari. You showed me what happens when we focus on the bad. I'd rather focus on the good, like the fact that I am holding a beautiful, brilliant, fierce, strong woman in my arms."

I can feel my cheeks flush. "I'm not-"

"Ah-ah, none of that, my lady." He pulls away slightly to give me a proper kiss. "You're my wife and the mother of my unborn child. You're the woman who simultaneously charmed the king and challenged the wolf, and the queen who did more for Stormwind in one year than her king did in ten."

"Varian..." I cup his cheek, feeling the scars beneath my fingers. "I'm the woman who was so mean to you that you were surprised when I fed you the strawberry instead of throwing it at you. I'm the wife who knocked you out with a book."

He grabs my wrist gently, turning to lay a kiss on my palm before directing those serious blue eyes at me. "What happened that night, Tari? Broll would never tell me. I didn't question it at the time because I didn't know..." his cheeks darken. "After the time you slapped me, I realized that something must have happened for you to clock me like that. Tell me truthfully, Taretha. What did I do?"

"You put your arm around my waist."

He blinks. "That's it?"

"It wasn't what you did; it's what I did." He deserves to know this. "When I heard...I panicked. I bit my wrist to keep from crying out. Broll healed it."

"That's worse," Varian half-growls. "I made you hurt yourself. I deserve everything you ever said, twice, for that."

"You didn't know I was there."

"Did that ever happen again?" I shake my head, and he releases my wrist. "Good. Tari? I'm sorry it took so long for me to get it through my thick head that getting drunk was putting so much stress on you."

I resist the urge to roll my eyes. "Varian, it only stressed me because it made me want to hold you and comfort you and I wasn't ready to feel that way about you yet."

"But..." His eyebrows knit together in puzzlement. "I thought the scent..."

"...by itself doesn't do anything. You think orcs don't drink or have black hair?"

"It made you uncomfortable to see my hair that dark."

"That’s because I’d put myself in your power. Varian, getting so drunk you couldn't stand was probably the most effective thing you did in your quest for my heart." I sit back down, tugging at him until he lays his head in my lap again. "Much better."

With my fingers in his hair and entwined with his, some of the worry fades. "Explain that one to me, my lady, because I thought that was one of the worst ways I could have screwed up."

"You're adorable when you're that drunk, my lord husband. Wine brings out a man's true nature, and you sat at my door as meek as a newborn kitten, crying out your unrequited love. Concerned that you were frightening me, while being utterly harmless. It only put stress on me in that I didn't want to feel that way about you yet."

For a long minute, he is silent. My fingers in his hair soothe him, until with a sigh his eyelids slip shut.

"Taretha?" he says, eyes still closed. "If I forgive you for everything you think you shouldn't have done, will you forgive yourself?"

My hand tightens on his, only to be met by an equal grip. "If I do, will you do the same?"

Blue eyes open and lavish me with adoration. "For you, Taretha."

Oh, how I love this man. "Varian, I forgive you for everything you think you shouldn't have done."

"Taretha, my beautiful bride, I forgive you for everything you think you shouldn't have done."

"I love you, Varian. For you, I forgive myself."

"For you, I forgive myself, too. I love you, Tari. Bin mog g'thazag cha."

"Varian?"

The eyes that had been slipping shut open again. "Hmm?"

I bring his hand to my mouth and gently suckle one finger. "Now that we've made up, let's..."

"Do the kissing?" His voice is low and rough, and my breath catches. "Excellent idea, my lady." He sits up, one hand in my hair, half-lidded eyes burning. "My fierce, beautiful lady wolf."

The kiss is searing, leaving me panting when it breaks. "Less talking, my lord wolf," I half-growl before leaning in to claim his lips again.

A muffled chuckle is my only reply.