Shining light

[moonshadows]

            The road forks left and right around the edges of the sparkling blue lake. My path leads left, through the vibrant forest and towards the rocky hills. To the right, the road leads to a pretty little town on the slopes of a hill green with gardens and farms. At the top of the hill is a large, white building with a shape so achingly familiar that Hakuryuu is turning right before I realize I’ve asked her to. Somewhere in that white building, a bell is ringing the hour in a clear, nostalgic tone. Hakuryuu chirps contentedly to herself as she shifts into a lower gear and climbs steadily up the hill. We get a few curious looks as we pass through the farms and outer areas of the town. When we get to the inner areas, the streets get narrower and there are more people about. I direct Hakuryuu to an alley where she can shift back in private, and then we continue through the town on foot. There are still plenty of odd looks directed our way, but that’s to be expected. After all, I’m a stranger in an isolated town, and there is a small dragon on my shoulder.

            A small dragon whose attention is ensnared by a fruit vendor’s stall as we pass.

Grapes? Please tasty sweet wanting wanting please? The pleading look on her tiny face is irresistible; I give assent with my smile and my chi, and she nuzzles my cheek with her head and neck.

            “Excuse me, sir?” The vendor tears his eyes away from my little companion and looks at me.

            “Uh, yes? How can I help you?” He tries to be polite, but can’t help staring at Hakuryuu, who’s examining the selection of fruit.

            “Could I have a hand-sized bunch of those-”

            “Kyuu!” Hakuryuu interrupts, her head and neck pointing to a pile of grapes about a foot to the left of the one I was indicating.

            “Ah, I’m sorry. THOSE grapes?” I look to her for approval, and her head bobs on its slender neck

            The vendor grins at Hakuryuu and holds the whole bunch up for inspection. “Would you like to choose them yourself?” He’s not addressing me, very entertained by the dragon’s antics.

            She preens, making a show of examining the grapes before chirping imperiously and touching a section with her nose. I smile indulgently, and the fruit vendor is openly amused as he clips the indicated bunch and weighs it.

            “Can I ask you something?” There is a slight tremor in my voice as I ponder the implications that are looming just beyond my comprehension.

            “Sure,” the vendor says absently, then names the price of the grapes.

            “That building at the top of the hill . . .” I keep my voice casual as I fish out a coin and hand it over in exchange for the grapes, feeding one to Hakuryuu immediately.

            “The orphanage?”

            My pulse jumps; I cover it with an innocent smile. “Ah, that was the question, actually.” I thank him profusely but distantly and continue up the hill, thoughts running in tight circles as I refuse to follow that train of thought. Feeding Hakuryuu her treat gets more of my attention than it normally would have. A thought both terrible and beautiful trembles on the edge of my awareness; a revelation that could either bring ecstasy and validation, or break me so badly that only my promise to Sanzo would keep me from finishing what I’d started at Kanan’s grave.

            White walls, unadorned and functional, loom before me. Children are playing off to one side, tossing a ball around an open, grassy lawn - human and youkai alike, with no prejudice. A shard of hope and peace enters my heart; this is what we’d suffered and worked so hard in order to bring about. Hakuryuu chirps at me, reassuring and understanding, before snagging the much-diminished bunch of grapes. High. Sun. Grapes, sweet/tasty. Warm, happy. Image of the roof of the orphanage, rainbow strand connecting her to the image of me. She’s going to lounge in the sun on the roof, and will come down when I call her to indicate that I’ve concluded my business inside. I give her neck a brief caress, and she launches herself into the warm morning air. One of the children watches her fly, then is reabsorbed by the ball game around him.

            The main door swings open easily, sending a thick ribbon of light ahead of me into the entranceway. It closes just as easily behind me, leaving me blinking away afterimages in the dimmer light with the muffled echoes of the door’s closing spreading through the building like ripples. The mingled sounds of footsteps, a baby crying, and a harried voice appear and grow louder, and after a minute a middle-aged woman with a fussy infant enters the little hall. She flashes me an apologetic smile and attempts to greet me, but the baby’s wailing drowns her out.

            “May I?” I ask, indicating the baby and gesturing to myself.

The words are inaudible, but the gesture and expression make the meaning clear. With a smooth, practiced motion she transfers the baby to my arms. There is a moment of awe-struck helplessness – I have never held an infant before – and then the vibrant, simple chi beats against my own in wordless need. I make a soft shushing sound and sooth his chi, and within a few breaths he is asleep. The woman takes him back gingerly and gratefully.

“Thank you so much, mister . . .?” She pauses expectantly, waiting for me to fill in my name.

“Hakkai,” I oblige her.

“Mister Hakkai, welcome to Green Ivy Orphanage. My name is Harina Mari, I’m the-” she wrinkles her nose. “Well, I guess ‘director’ fits, but it sounds so impersonal. I’m the one in charge. Thank you very much for your help with Toma; you must have quite the way with children.” Guilty hope on her face tells me she’s hoping I’m here to adopt; she looks over-worked, and the desire to have one less body to provide for wars with the need to make sure every child has a good home.

“To be honest,” I give a small, embarrassed laugh, “Toma is the first infant I’ve ever held.”

She nods. “Let me just put him down for his nap and get some tea on, and I’ll tell you about some of the older children.” At my nod she gestures to a small office. “I’ll be just a moment . . .” She hurries off, and I take a seat in the small room.

            She comes back a few minutes later, carrying a small teapot and two cups. While the tea brews, she natters on about one of the older girls, and how wonderful and helpful she is. From her description, however, that girl sounds like she would be perfectly happy staying here and helping out, and I say so. Mari flushes slightly, admits that Janna would be a continued godsend, and begins telling me about another child. I nod and make polite sounds as she tells me about three or four other children, and we sip our tea. All of the children she describes sound like good kids, and the affection in her voice is genuine, but . . . the children are happy. I understand that she wants them to have good homes and is particularly concerned for them because they’re favorites of hers, but they sound happy to be here. Happy children deserve good homes with happy parents; I certainly wouldn’t want to inflict my past on an innocent child.

When she winds down her praise for a rambunctious eight-year-old boy named Choske, I interrupt politely with a raised hand.

            “Mari,” my voice is gently persuading, “tell me about the child you would most like to see smile.”

            Her affectionate smile flickers out and is replaced by a pensive look of hope that she is afraid to express. The serious, understanding expression on my face seems to encourage her, and she takes a deep breath to steady herself.

            “Her name is Kaylin,” she begins.

            The description is short and brutally honest. It’s obvious that Mari wants Kaylin to be happy, and trusts me to be a good father, but she dares not hope that I will want to adopt the girl. She tries to tell me the negative portions without scaring me off; she wants me to know the reasons no one has adopted Kaylin without making it sound like she is trying to talk me out of doing so. I let her talk, not interrupting to either protest or reassure, and when she’s done I merely ask where I can find the girl. Mari’s eyes hold a flicker of hope, and I allow a ghost of a reassuring smile onto my face before I bow and excuse myself to go find Kaylin.

            ******************************************************

            She sits in the window of an empty classroom, staring moodily out at the sunshine. I snag a chair and slide it over to her, sitting backwards like Gojyo does. She doesn’t turn to look at me.

            “What.” Her voice is sulky, accusing, and it’s a challenge rather than a question. Her blood-red hair is tied mostly back, reminding me of the way Gojyo used to tie his back to keep it out of the way.

            “I thought you might want some company.” I keep my voice mild, impersonal yet offering.

            She turns to glare at me, crimson eyes suspicious and as accusing as her voice. I meet her glare with calm eyes and let the bloody accusation wash over me. “Come to stare at the Freak, the Taboo Child, you mean.”

            I smile dryly at her tone. “I’ve come to offer you a home,” I say gently. She snorts and turns back to the window.

            “You don’t want me. I’m a Taboo Child. My father raped my mother and she killed herself just after I was born.” The pain in her voice is old and mostly directed at herself. “You want one of them—” she jerks her chin out towards the children playing in the sun. “They’re normal. They deserve a home.”

            “And you don’t?” I no longer keep my voice light.

            “Who wants to adopt a broken freak?” She spits the words out. “Go take one of the normal kids, don’t waste your charity on me.”

            I sigh. Alone with nobody, even among other orphans. So like me. “You’re not happy here,” I start, but she whips her head back around and cuts me off.

            “No kidding! What was your first clue?” She lashes out angrily. I’m not human-”

            “Neither am I,” I interrupt, running my fingers over my inhibitors.

            “I’m not Youkai, either!” She snaps. “Adopt one of the Youkai kids if you want a charity case. They’re still normal.” She crosses her arms and glares at me. “I don’t fit in anywhere. What would all your friends say if you brought home a Taboo Child?”

            An apologetic, embarrassed smile flashes across my face. “They’d probably tease me mercilessly about becoming a father and make parenting jokes.”

            She blinks at me, somewhat taken aback.

            “As for not fitting in…” I take a deep breath. It was around this area… I stare out the window, lost in thought for a minute. “Kaylin.” She starts at her name, and my serious tone. “Do they tell stories of the Dark Crows and Hyakugan Maoh here?”

            She nods slowly, not sure where I’m going with this. “Hyakugan Maoh was a tyrant who terrorized human and Youkai alike until some psycho went in and wiped out the lot of them.”

            ~ Goodbye, Gonou . . . ~

            “My wife was one of Hyakugan Maoh’s victims,” I say softly. “She was raped and tortured and I couldn’t save her. She killed herself.” Kaylin bites her lip, realizing that she’s not the only one here with old wounds. “Had she lived . . .” I turn my serious gaze upon her and look straight into her eyes. “Any child we may have had would have been Taboo.”

Some of her anger falls away as she realizes that I don’t care about her stigma.

“I don’t fit in anywhere, either,” I say gently.

“But . . . your ear . . .” she stammers awkwardly.

“I put these on shortly before my wife died.” I run a finger along them gently. “At the time…” I trail off, skirting the edges of that old pain. “It felt like a cruel joke, becoming the thing I’d hated, knowing that even if she’d survived, she wouldn’t want to be with me because I was now. . .” I break off and look out the window. “She was pregnant. She died rather than bear a Taboo Child, so why would she ever want to have one with me?” I swallow; I’ve never voiced this particular pain before.

“You were human?” The shock and curiosity in her voice brings a twisted smile to my face.

“I’m sorry,” I say as I turn to look at her, my tone self-mocking. “I’m a freak, too. I’m just as broken as you are. Do you think you could stand having a broken father?”

She blinks. She’d forgotten my offer, distracted by our sharing of issues.

“I’m not looking for a perfect child,” I say gently. “To be honest, I’m looking for a child with a strong spirit, one who’s not afraid of the pain that living brings, who I can pretend is my own child. A surrogate for the child I might have had, if she had lived. I feel it’s important for you to know that, because if we become family, I’m going to love you as though you were her child, and I don’t want that love to be built on lies and omissions.”

Kaylin’s ruby eyes blink back tears. “I guess a broken father needs a broken daughter, huh?” She sniffles, trying to push back the unexpected pain of knowing that someone might honestly care for her, despite everything. “So where are we going to be living, Dad?” She wipes her eyes and climbs down from the window seat; she’ll be slender and tall, but right now she’s gangly and thin for her twelve years.

Her chi is calm and still; she has already rejected the man who sired her as though he had never existed, and accepts me as if I were her biological father. Her unconditional attachment touches a part of me I’d thought was dead, and the thing that had been trembling on the edge of my perception nearly flattens me as it blooms with an intensity that hasn’t been matched by anything since Kanan died. I love this half-blood child, completely and without reservation.

“Well, not around here,” I say, my voice surprisingly light and amused. “I wouldn’t feel comfortable living in a place where my – ah – past is so well-known.” Her eyes widen a bit. “But while I’m in the area, I’d like to visit the grave of my wife.” I smile at her, teasing. “I guess that makes me some psycho, doesn’t it?”

A laugh bursts out of her, and she covers her mouth in embarrassment. I grin at her.

“It’s okay to laugh; my friends are a pervert, a monkey, and a sleazy monk. Perfect for a psycho like me.” I make a silly face; Kaylin giggles, and my smile gentles. “Well, Miss Kaylin, shall we go?” I bow outrageously and take her hand.

“Sure thing, Mr. Dad!” She breaks into giggles again.

Hand in hand we walk out, and the smile on the face of my beautiful, perfect daughter stops the bleeding of one of the oldest wounds in my heart.

I can finally see it, Kanan. The shining light inside of me.

*****************************************************

            Mari takes one look at my arm around Kaylin’s shoulder and breaks into a smile as big as both of ours combined.

            “Miss Harina?” Kaylin’s trying to keep a straight face, but winds up grinning impishly. “If I follow him home, can he keep me?”

            Mari’s reply gets lost in a very maternal hug and a few dignified tears of joy. After a moment, she pulls back and composes herself. “Kaylin, honey,” she says as she wipes her eyes. “Why don’t you go and pack up your things?”

            Kaylin nods and dashes off, whooping and skipping. Mari takes me back into her office, and after a minute of digging in a file cabinet, pulls out a thin stack of papers. She looks them over briefly, then finds a pen and apologetically hands them over. I accept with a smile, and begin filling out the half-a-dozen forms that will connect my life and Kaylin’s with a bond as legally strong as blood. Mari takes each form as I finish with it, looking it over with a practiced eye and filling out the occasional section marked ‘for official use only’.

            “Cho . . .” she mutters distractedly as Kaylin enters the office with a small traveling bag slung over one shoulder. “Where have I heard that name before?”

             “That was Cho Gonou, Miss Harina.” Kaylin’s eyes widen as she connects the surname to my history. “The guy who took down Hyakugan Maoh.”

            “Oh, of course! How silly of me to forget.” Mari dismisses everything with a wave. “Mister Hakkai, if you’re done with that one, Kaylin needs to sign it, too.” Kaylin shoots me a piercing look.

            “Here you go, Miss Kaylin,” I hand her the last form and the pen with a flourish and wink.

            She scans the sheet for a few seconds before signing her name at the bottom, next to mine. “Cho Kaylin,” she murmurs in a voice filled with awe. I am reminded of the first time my new name passed my lips; she has likely never had a surname and is relishing the feel of it in her mouth. She skims the form again as she hands it to Mari, then looks at me with raised eyebrows. “Chang An?” Her tone is disbelieving. “Wow, Dad! I didn’t know you were so cosmopolitan!” The teasing twinkle in her eyes makes me chuckle.

            “Don’t get too excited,” I warn her gently. “That’s just my last place of residence, and it was a room in an inn. I do want to settle in that area,” I add hastily as her face falls. “I have some friends there I’d like to stay in touch with.”

            Kaylin fixes me with a hopeful look. “But we’re going there at least to visit, right? D’you think I could see the Temple of the Setting Sun sometime?”

            My smile holds a world of amusement, but Kaylin hasn’t known me long enough to be able to interpret my smiles. “I believe that can be arranged,” I say nonchalantly.

            “Wah! Dad, you’re the best!”

I find myself the recipient of a very enthusiastic hug. Mari gets the next one, and there is a round of good-byes and wish-you-wells before I collect my giddy daughter and we leave the building.

Kaylin blinks in the bright sun, temporarily blinded after the dim entryway. My smile widens in anticipation as I send a silent call to Hakuryuu, and am rewarded with a darting shadow. There is a squeal of surprise as the little dragon glides up and lands on my wrist, and then two sets of ruby eyes blink at each other in a comical display of curiosity.

Who? Hakkai like? Curiosity. Who? Hakuryuu turns to look at me, and I stroke her neck gently. This is my daughter, Kaylin, I answer with a rush of affection that tells Hakuryuu that Kaylin is as precious to me as she and the other three are. Hakuryuu chirps and looks at Kaylin again, re-assessing her and adjusting her mental label.

“Dad?” Her tone holds no fear, only uncertainty.

“Kaylin, this is Hakuryuu.” Gentle amusement as the little dragon dips her head in the ‘pet me’ motion. “Go ahead and pet her, she wants to get to know you.”

Hesitantly, trembling slightly and then with the growing enthusiasm of a girl with a cute animal, Kaylin strokes Hakuryuu’s neck. After a moment, Hakuryuu climbs from my wrist to Kaylin’s shoulder and there is a delightful mingling of carefree laughter and happy chirping. The pain of my past is drowned beneath the peace and joy brought about by my beautiful daughter’s laughter. Kanan, if you can see me now . . .

“Come on, you two,” I gently herd them down towards the town, affection filling my voice with a warmth that Right Speech never could. “Let’s grab a picnic lunch in town – I want to get out to the ruins and be well on our way before nightfall.”

“Oh-kay!” Comes the energetic reply.

Kaylin pulls me to a shop she says has awesome dumplings, and we pick easily portable foods to eat on the road. I’m reminded of Goku as I watch her skip gaily ahead, then dash back and play the occasional round of can’t-catch-me with Hakuryuu. When the streets widen and the buildings thin out, I call Hakuryuu back and ask her to become the jeep. Kaylin’s astounded expression widens my amused smile.

“Hakuryuu?” She extends a hand cautiously towards the jeep.

The headlights flash as though winking, and with a reassuring chirp Hakuryuu idles forward slightly, stopping when Kaylin’s hand is inches away from the surface of the hood. I climb in and Kaylin follows hesitantly, but she is soon whooping with delight as we go speeding down the hill and around the shores of the sparkling blue lake. Hakuryuu is in fine form; even in the forest she keeps up that breakneck speed. We wind our way along the curves of the road with more grace than a jeep should have; I’m riding the brake slightly to help her keep control as we fly around the turns. My beautiful daughter is practically standing up in the seat beside me, eyes sparkling and red hair whipping around her face. As I turn my eyes back to the road winding through the forest, another patch of blood-red catches my eye off to the side of the road and further up.

“Ah, Hakuryuu?” My chi reaches her before my words do, and she gives an inquiring chirp. “Could you stop just there for a moment, please?” She slows down before I’m done talking, and stops just by the patch of red flowers.

Kaylin looks from Hakuryuu’s hood to me in confusion. “Are you driving, or is she?”

“A little of both,” I admit as I climb out and take off my sash, folding it neatly into a thick square. “Can I ask you to give me a hand for a minute?”

She nods and climbs out. “Sure thing, Dad. What do you want me to do?”

A few steps, and I’m kneeling by the flowers. Kaylin crouches next to me, balancing on her heels. “Could you hold your hands out, please?”

I drape the folded cloth over her spread hands and gently work my own carefully under the roots of the flowers. Quickly, I lift the small patch of plants, roots, and dirt and transfer it to the cloth, then tie the corners together to secure everything before the dirt falls away from the roots. Kaylin looks down at the blossoms gently but firmly secured by cloth; they are the same shade as her hair.

“Fire-eyes.” She looks up at my quiet explanation. “She loved these flowers.” Kaylin nods slowly at my wistful tone. “Could you hold them and keep them safe until we get there?” She nods again, and when we drive on, it is not at such a wild pace.

Half an hour later, the road forks again and I turn Hakuryuu down the more overgrown branch. She gives me full control as my chi shifts to a deeper spectrum, letting me control the speed and the steering both. I only traveled down this path twice, and both times I was not very aware of my surroundings, but it is as though the way has been burned into my memory. My smile slips several times as a tree, curve of the road, or other seemingly meaningless landmark strikes my consciousness with enough force to knock me back to that blood-soaked time. Hakuryuu’s reassurance reaches me through her steering wheel; I can also feel Kaylin’s support washing against me gently. When we round the final bend, my hands clench reflexively and we roll to a stop just inside the clearing. I can feel my daughter’s shocked, sympathetic gaze on me, pulling me back into the present.

Five years haven’t softened the harsh outline of the ruins at all. The charred timbers are smaller, but the blackened stone still claws impotently at the blue sky, the rotting corpse of a horrible legacy sitting like a blot on the beauty of the grassy clearing. Kaylin’s slender fingers brush my sleeve, and with an effort I wrench myself back from the edge of depression. At my direction, Hakuryuu drives over to the waist-high cairn I’d built in the cold pre-dawn that handful of years ago. The stones have been washed clean of my blood, and it is a painful relief to see Kanan’s grave marker free of my sin. Hakuryuu stops a few feet away, Kaylin following as I climb out slowly and kneel before the piled stone. Carefully, I scrape out a big enough hole for the fire-eye plants. When I turn to Kaylin, she’s already holding the bundle out to me. I flash her a grateful smile, and carefully untie the cloth. Transferring the plants into the hole takes a minute and some careful maneuvering. Kaylin brushes dirt off of the cloth as I settle the flowers, then she helps me pack the loose dirt gently around them.

My hands reflexively press palm-to-palm before my chest, a position I’ve associated with prayer of all kinds for so long that it’s become ingrained.

Kanan . . . can you see me? Are my thoughts reaching you, wherever you are? I’ve changed so much, I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t recognize me. My face is still the same, but the one behind it has changed. The Gonou you loved is dead. He died here, trying to reach you, and became a wretched in-between thing. Not wholly man, not wholly youkai – neither dead nor alive. That miserable blended thing finally passed on protecting one who has become as important to me as you are, laid to rest among the same sort of carnage that had birthed it, and now there is only Hakkai. So many have died by these hands; would you still admire these slender fingers? Would you still embrace me tenderly, would you suffer these bloodstained hands to touch you? Could you bring yourself to love a youkai? I know you loved the human, Gonou. Would you also love Hakkai? Forgive me, Kanan, but I can no longer wish to change the past. Too many people would have died or suffered if I had still been human, and the ones most important to me in this world would be dead or broken without this strength birthed in the moment of your death. My sins may have been atoned for; I can forgive myself for what I’ve done, but my forgiveness is worthless without yours. Wait for me a little longer, I beg you. There are people who need me to live, and I cannot fail them as I failed you.

I am aware that beside me, Kaylin is mimicking my pose, and her chi is stirring gently, pensively. If I could change the past, knowing everything that has happened, would I? Would I choose to lose Kanan in exchange for my friends and my daughter? It doesn’t matter; what’s done is done, and nothing can change that. All anyone can do is make the best of what they have.

And I have a beautiful daughter.

“Dad?” Kaylin’s voice is open and serious, with an overtone of longing. “What was Mom’s name?”

The question stuns me, and I look at Kaylin in shock. Part of me is logically putting facts together while the rest of me stares at her blankly. Kaylin must know her birth mother’s name, and also know that I would have no way of knowing that name. She abandoned the memory of the man who sired her, and adopted me as her father. She must have similarly abandoned the woman who birthed her, but the magnitude of that resolution is almost incomprehensible. To reject the woman who gave her life in favor of a complete stranger who almost followed the same path, but died instead – and by her own hand, at that . . .

“I could never believe them when they tried to tell me that my mother hadn’t hated me.” Kaylin’s eyes drop to her hands, clenched tightly in her lap. “But her-” a jerk of her chin indicates the cairn in front of us. “You’re kind, and you love her so much, I know that she must have been kind, too.” She bites her lip, and her chi flares with insecurity, pain, and longing. “If I’d been her child, do you think she would have loved me?”

The heart-shattering feeling of knowing that in a world you’d thought cold and uncaring, there is someone that loves you unconditionally, the sensation of knowing, for the first time in your life, that someone loves you despite everything – I’d felt it when Kanan first smiled at me. That memory had been buried for years, and now Kaylin’s words bring tears to my eyes as I remember the painful hope that had threatened to break me back then. Kaylin’s hands are gripping each other so tightly that her knuckles are white. I cover her hands with one of mine, letting my chi tell her how much she is loved.

“Kanan,” I say softly, my voice thick with our shared pain. “Your mother’s name was Kanan, and I know she would have loved you.”

The words are no more than a whisper, but they open the flood gates of all the feelings Kaylin’s been repressing for her entire life – and a good deal I’ve been repressing, as well. All the fear, the longing, the hurt and isolation come flooding out, and I hold my daughter as she weeps, washing away the past with her tears. My own tears slide silently down into her crimson hair, but she doesn’t notice; her face is buried in my shoulder. Through our mingled chi, we are mutually rejecting the facts of her parentage and re-writing them. It doesn’t matter now who sired Kaylin, or who birthed her. In our hearts, I become the father of Kanan’s unborn child, and that child becomes Kaylin. The unshakeable certainty of our relationship as father and daughter goes beyond mere legality, deeper than blood. I am her father. She is my daughter. Nothing can change that.

When Kaylin has cried herself out, Hakuryuu ventures close enough to nudge her and offer reassurance. I let go as she pulls away and hugs the little dragon to her chest.

“Kaylin?” She looks up at my gentle tone. “Do you like to sing?”

“A . . . a little.” The change of subject throws her. “I don’t really know many songs, though.” In other words, she never had much reason to sing aloud.

A smile of bittersweet memory and masochism at what I’m about to do stretches across my lips. “Then let me teach you the song your mother loved to sing.”

Kaylin nods, and I gently turn her to face the cairn, my hands on her shoulders as I kneel behind her. After a moment to steady my voice and concentrate on the memories I’m going to be transferring to her, I sing the words that have followed me into my new life but have never left my lips. The lessons I learned through blood and tears I pass on to my daughter; the true meaning of the song, which took me years to learn.

“Even when it seems that nothing can go right . . .”

My voice is rusty; I am more chanting than singing, but the memories of Kanan’s clear voice flow through my hands and Kaylin picks up the words and the tune effortlessly, her voice soaring above mine. Hearing the song being sung again after all this time makes my throat close up, and it is all I can do to whisper the words, concentrating on giving Kaylin the message Kanan tried to give me a thousand times with this song.

Nothing is forever. All things come into being, grow old, and cease to exist. People are born and die all the time. Someday, I will be gone. No one can know what tomorrow will bring, no one can guess the day of their own death. Things may end before you want them to. No matter what happens, you are never alone. There will always be people that care about you. If you can find the strength to live, you can still love. If you can do both, you can help other people. Realize that other people may have wounds in their hearts. By knowing this, you might be able to help them. Love heals. Love yourself. Love others. When someone you love dies, hold their memory in your heart and love their memory. When you are suffering, know that it will pass away the same as everything else does. Have hope, and you will be able to find the good in everything. You will be able to find love, if you let yourself be loved. Be strong. As long as you are alive, there is hope. Don’t be afraid of life.

Always remember that you are loved.

*****************************************************

Lunch is remarkably cheerful, considering that the ruins of Hyakugan Maoh’s castle lurk behind us. Kaylin’s laughter rings out as she and Hakuryuu play around; I watch with a contented smile. About two hours past mid-day, I round up girl and dragon, and we put the ruins behind us as we drive off. Hakuryuu wants to go faster, but the road is overgrown and I rein her in and hold her to a safer speed. Beside me, Kaylin is singing softly, her voice dancing over the tune as though she’s sung it all her life. Like mother, like daughter, I think with a smile. I can tell that she’ll sing that song in odd corners of the day. She breaks off in surprise as we drive past the turn we’d taken to get here.

“Uh . . . Dad?” She twists around to watch the turn pass.

“We’re taking a different route back,” I smile at her. “I’ve been away for a while, and I’d like to spend the night in my old town before we go to Chang An.”

“How long’s it gonna take to get there?” There’s a trace of impatience, but she is still young, after all.

“I’m not sure, actually.” Kaylin blinks at me in disbelief. “I’ve never driven this way before.” My mildly helpless apology earns me a rolled-eye look that translates to ‘Dad, you’re a goof’. “We should be there well before dark, however.” The certainty in my voice is reinforced by the memory of traveling this road wounded and on foot; it took me an entire night, but Hakuryuu is traveling at least ten times faster than I was.

“How far is it from there to Chang An?” Kaylin’s trying not to beg, but visiting that massive city is clearly something she’s wanted to do for a long time.

“We’ll spend the night in my old town, get an early start in the morning, and be in Chang An by mid-afternoon.” Hakuryuu and I have driven that route enough for me to be able to accurately gauge how long it will take. “I told my friends when I left, two days ago, that I’d meet them for dinner on the third day.” My smile widens into one that would have Sanzo or Gojyo cringing in anticipation. “I’m looking forward to introducing you to them,” I add mildly.

Kaylin studies my face carefully. “Alright, Dad, what’s so funny?” Her suspicion has that ‘Dad, you’re a goof’ tone in it.

“Ah, just imagining their reactions.” The innocence in my tone doesn’t fool her for a second, and she pounces on it like Goku on a secret.

“Yeah, so what’re their reactions going to be?” She’s challenging me now.

“Well, first there will be a long moment of shocked silence.”

“Because I’m a Taboo Child?” Doubt; she’s not convinced that they won’t care about her parentage.

“Because they didn’t know I’d be bringing back such a beautiful daughter,” I tease gently. “Then Goku-”

“Which one is he?” Kaylin interrupts.

“Ah, the monkey.” I give up on using their names for now, and just go with the descriptions I’d used back in the orphanage. Oh, they’d glare at me if they knew I was doing this . . . “The monkey will blurt out some sort of obvious statement like ‘Hakkai, when did you get a daughter?’ Then the monk or the pervert will hit the monkey, the pervert will retort and call the monkey stupid, and probably compliment you, but the compliment will probably be slightly . . . perverted. The monkey will call the pervert a pervert, and they’ll insult each other for a few minutes. The monk will use the cover of them fighting to say something encouraging to you, then break up the fight by threatening to kill the other two. Probably with gunshots.”

Kaylin’s eyes widen at the completely casual way I said that. “Isn’t that dangerous?”

“Oh, he’d never actually shoot them.” I mentally gloss over that time Gojyo flinched left instead of right. “It’s just a habit. You’ll be able to tell the difference between the death threats he intends to carry out, and the ones he doesn’t.”

“So how do I tell the difference?” My daughter sounds rather intimidated by the idea of a man who’d shoot at his own friends.

“Oh, it’s easy. When he’s not serious, he’ll just glare and threaten to kill you. When he is serious, he’ll be glaring and threatening to kill someone else.” Wait, that didn’t sound very comforting. “Kaylin?”

“Yeah, Dad?” There’s a quaver in her voice.

“Sanzo – the monk – will never do anything that would hurt you, me, or anyone else without good reason.” The absolute certainty in my voice reassures her somewhat. “If he growls and snaps at any of us, it’s because he’s more comfortable saying the opposite of what he actually feels. He looks like he’s grouchy all the time, but it’s mostly just another habit. It’s not easy for him to admit that he cares, or that he’s enjoying himself, so he pretends to be angry instead.” I give a rueful laugh – boy, I wish I’d known all of this back when I was at the temple. “You’ll learn to tell the difference between his scowls and glares,” I tell her teasingly. “Just pay attention to what he does, not what he says.”

She digests this for a few minutes.

“Is he really a monk?”

All the times Sanzo’s rank has been questioned flash through my mind, and a laugh bursts out of me. “Yes, he really is a monk.” Best to get this out of the way before she meets him. “Just don’t expect him to act like one.”

“So how can he get away with not acting like a monk if he’s a monk?” She’s realizing that nothing is as it seems with us; she’s not confused anymore, just trying to work out the details.

“He’s a special sort of monk. He inherited the position.” This is outside the realm of the normal enough that Kaylin just leaves it at that.

"Dad?" Kaylin says suddenly, after a few minutes of silence. "Are you really the one who killed Hyakugan Maoh?"

"I am," I reply quietly, resolutely watching the road and not the memory of the youkai lord writhing under my knife.

She looks at me critically, taking in my slender fingers and unassuming posture. "You don't look like you could hurt anyone."

"Appearances can be deceiving, Kaylin," I chide gently. "You've heard the phrase, 'Don't judge a book by its cover'?" She nods. "Anyone can make judgments based on appearances, but those who do often miss a lot because they don't take the time to understand. I once came across three men in the forest who were being attacked by a dragon four times the size of a horse; the dragon had already killed half a dozen of the men's companions, and was dreadfully wounded. The men fought desperately, trying to kill the dragon."

"So what'd you do?" Cautious curiosity; she knows that anyone else would have sided with the men, but doesn't want to leap to conclusions.

"I threatened them, and they ran off," I say simply. "The dragon was a mother, and they were trying to steal her eggs. They had all been smashed in the battle, except for the last one. She was crouching over it. That's why she didn't fly away and save herself."

Hakuryuu chirps, a startled sound. I smile warmly and pat her dashboard. Kaylin's eyes are wide.

"Was that...?" She's unsure how to end the question.

"Yes, that was Hakuryuu. Her mother asked me to take care of her egg for her, just before she died." There is a profound silence, and I realize that Hakuryuu has never heard this story. "I raised this scamp-" Hakuryuu chirps indignantly, "-from the egg. She was quite a handful," I tease affectionately.

Kaylin giggles. "Hey, Hakuryuu, we're sisters!"

"Kyuu?"

"Yeah, Hakkai was your mom and he's my dad." A wide grin spreads across her face and she laughs at the improbability of the situation. "Oh, man, if the kids only knew! My dad's Cho Gonou and my sister's a dragon!"

"Hakkai," I correct gently, smiling at my daughter's delight. "Gonou officially died almost five years ago."

"Did you burn the place down, too?"

~I heard that this place burned down a few days ago. Nothing survived.~

"Ah, no, that wasn't me. I can only assume that someone else was as displeased with Hyakugan Maoh as I was." My voice is carefully light, holding the memories at bay.

My daughter looks at me, completely serious, looking past the carefully harmless facade I hide behind. "I don't think that's possible," she says slowly. "I don't think anyone could ever be as mad at Hyakugan Maoh as you were."

"You may be right," I tell her softly. "But we'll never know." A familiar building reveals itself as we drive around a wide curve. "Ah, and here we are! Konna Mai, the town I lived in for three years."

Hakuryuu and I relax somewhat, navigating the dusty streets absently as Kaylin looks around, trying to take everything in. At a certain side-street, we suddenly turn off the road and drive between two buildings, following a slightly-overgrown rut for a hundred feet before emerging onto a small, lush, almond-shaped field bounded on one curving side by forest. The backs of two buildings bracket the front of a small house on the other curve, and it is at this door that Hakuryuu idles to a stop. I climb out casually, Kaylin following me, and after a moment, Hakuryuu perches on my shoulder.

"Is this your house?" Kaylin asks dubiously.

"Not exactly mine; I shared it with Gojyo. Ah, the pervert," I add quickly, and Kaylin nods. I reach for the door handle, then stop. "On second thought, we had better stay at an inn. The house hasn't been lived in for two years." I flash her an apologetic smile, and she gives me the 'Dad, you're a goof' grin.

The streets of the small town are the same as I remember them, and most of the faces are the same as well. There are a lot of friendly nods in my direction, and some curious looks at Kaylin, but not the stares and whispers there would be if anyone in this town knew that Taboo Children weren't just a myth. Gojyo's favorite bar is attached to a clean, sturdy inn, and Kaylin looks around with wide eyes as we enter. If she were anyone else's child, I would be hesitant to bring her into a bar at this age, but she's not - and nothing she sees here could be worse than what she's already gone through, or what my friends will expose her to. A few of the bar-ladies recognize me as we walk in, and gently abandon the current card champion to swarm around me.

"Hakkai! It's been so long!"

"Where have you been?"

"Is Gojyo with you?"

"Where's Gojyo been?"

"Is he all right?"

"We've been traveling," I soothe, both hands up, radiating calm. "On business. Gojyo's fine. I'm going back to meet up with him tomorrow, we're just staying the night here."

Their concern laid to rest, they finally notice Kaylin behind me.

"Oh, what a beautiful child!"

"Such lovely red hair, just like Gojyo's..."

"She has his eyes, too."

"Hakkai! Is she Gojyo's...?"

"No," I smile, "She's not Gojyo's. This is my daughter, Kaylin."

"Oh, Hakkai, you have to let us dress her up!"

"Ah, we do still need a room for the night," I protest mildly. Kaylin's eyes are wide in shock that these women are complimenting her eyes and hair, and I can't help but smile tolerantly.

"Oh, fiddlesticks!" One of the ladies snaps. "Oi, Thorm!"

"Yes?" The inkeeper, who was peeking through the adjoining door, looks up.

"Do be good and reserve a room for Hakkai and his beautiful daughter, won't you?"

Thorm peers through the crowd and notices me. "Hakkai! Back in town, eh? Thought you'd stay at your old place, not this run-down shack!" He comes into the room, grinning broadly.

"Ah, no one's lived there for two years. The thought of the mess lurking there..." I trail off with a shrug and answer his grin with one of my own.
            "Afraid the dust bunnies have turned rabid, eh? Can't blame you. Double room all right for you and the little missy, or you want a pair of singles?" He looks between me and Kaylin, who shoots me a brief, terrified look.

"Ah, a double would be fine," I tell him, and he nods.

"Beautiful girl like that, no use tempting the wolves, eh?" He slaps me genially on the back. "I'll get you set on the second floor. Dinner, too?"

"Yes, please," I flash him a grateful smile. "Dinner would be wonderful."

"All right!" Thorm claps his hands together, then rubs the palms against each other. "Double room, dinner for two. Any time between now and two hours past sunset, and your key'll be at the desk." He nods once, and navigates the crowd back to the inn side of the establishment.

"Can we dress her up now, Hakkai?" The woman who goes by 'Violet' pleads unrepentantly.

"She'll need clothes..."

"Do you have a brush, child?"

"Don't forget hair clips!"

"Men have no fashion sense."

"That's it! We absolutely have to take you shopping, my girl!"

"Well?" Violet tries to look stern, but her lips keep twitching into a smile.

"Ah..if you're sure it won't be too much trouble..."

Violet stamps her foot, arms crossed. "Trouble? This sweet girl couldn't possibly be trouble if she tried! And really, it gets boring shopping for yourself all the time." Her eyes get soft, and she looks wistfully at Kaylin. "Besides, Gojyo would never let us do anything with him. Oh, do let us fuss over her, Hakkai!" She turns back to me, smile gone, voice dropping so that Kaylin won't hear. "She's adopted, isn't she? You're too young to be her real father. I'll bet every penny Gojyo ever won that she's never owned anything pretty and never been fussed over." Her eyes cloud over with old pain. "There's no girl as vulnerable to sweet-talking scoundrels as the pretty one who thinks she's ugly. Let us show her how beautiful she is, and you won't have to worry about young men with slick words."

Somewhat startled by Violet's astute assessment, I nod. "Just let me come with you. Protective father and all, right?"

Violet laughs. "We couldn't chase you away if we tried!" She gives me a frank, amused look. I'd calmly hunted down Gojyo many times when he didn’t come home on his own. On a few occasions I’d found her in a shadowy corner with him, but she obviously wasn't embarrassed by it at all. She turns back to the other ladies, still cooing over my bewildered daughter. "Hakkai says yes, girls!"

With cheers and hugs and excited chatter, we all leave the bar. I follow along like a shadow, silently watching as the bar ladies give Kaylin all manner of advice ranging from the sort of lines young men will use to try to get her into bed, to how best to style her hair. She tries on dresses in many different color, styles, and fabrics, and her hair is alternately plaited, brushed, pulled back, and clipped up. Any item that the girls agree Kaylin absolutely must have, one of them purchases and then quietly passes to me. By the time they're done ransacking every store in town, Kaylin has a set of brush and comb in ebony with mother-of-pearl inlay depicting a lotus blossom, three dresses of varying formality with matching shoes, a comfortable nightgown, two soft shirts (one in light blue and one in yellow), fawn-colored pants, a hairclip in the shape of a dragonfly, a hairclip in the shape of a lotus blossom, and a tiny jar of nail paint the same shade as her hair. Happy and satisfied at all the fussing they were able to do, the ladies lead us back to the inn and regretfully part ways. We go into the common room, while they return to the dim, smoky bar. The young man behind the counter smiles as he hands me the key, and we make our way up to the second floor. Our room is the third on the left, and I realize that for all the time I've spent in inns over the last two years, I've never even seen the rooms here before. They're among the best I've ever been in, but we only stay long enough to drop off the packages before going down to dinner. Kaylin is thoughtful as we dine on stew and soft bread. I wait, and eventually she looks up.

"I don't understand, Dad."

"Hmm?" I can hear the echo of old pain in her voice.

"Why didn't those women care about...what I am?"

I put down my fork. "They didn't know, Kaylin."

Her eyebrows draw together. "How could they not? My hair...my eyes..."

"I've noticed," I say quietly, "that unless the...pairing...occurred specifically in a town, the people of that town don't believe that such a thing is possible, even with the evidence staring them in the face. Do you remember what the ladies first said about your hair and eyes?"

She nods, frowning slightly. "They said my hair was the same color as Gojyo's, and that I had his eyes." There is a muffled gasp as she covers her mouth, eyes wide. "Dad!" She hisses almost angrily. "Is Gojyo...!"

"Yes," I answer simply, the 'you knew I was right all along, why did you bother arguing?' smile firmly in place. "His mother was his youkai father's human mistress. He has a brother, Jien, who is the son of their father's youkai wife."

Kaylin gapes at me, incredulous. "Why didn't you tell me?"

My eyes meet hers. "Would you have believed me if I told you that my best friend had mixed blood, like you?"

"Probably not," she admits.

"There we go, then." I smile at her, gently encouraging. "Gojyo lived here for several months before we met, and we lived here for three years. Everyone knows that the child of a human and a youkai has red hair and eyes, but almost no one actually connects that with the reality. You see how well-liked Gojyo still is, even after two years."

Kaylin mulls this over, contemplating life as a beautiful, if exotic-looking, girl rather than as a freak. "You really didn't care that I'm a Taboo Child," she says finally.

"No,” I disagree softly. "I love you more because of it."

She sniffles, ruby eyes filling with tears. "I love you, too, Dad."

We finish dinner and go upstairs. Kaylin is yawning behind her hand, and while I'm used to short hours of sleep, I have been traveling a long time, and a soft, clean bed sounds very good. Hakuryuu is waiting for us, curled up on one of the pillows and chirping with a distinctly satisfied tone. Kaylin piles her new things on the floor, rummaging through them until she finds the white cotton nightgown, and then vanishes behind the clothes screen set up in the corner. After a minute of rustling, she emerges, smiling at the soft cotton against her skin - but without her dirty clothes.

"Kaylin." She looks up, startled. I cross my arms, eyebrows raised slightly. "Dirty clothes do not get left in the corner, young lady." My tone is gently chiding.

"Oops! Sorry, Dad!"

She ducks back behind the screen, dusty shirt and pants held distastefully in one hand, and gives them to me with relief. Smiling to myself, I drape the pants over my arm and hold the shirt out, concentrating slightly. My chi glows softly, and I stroke the shirt with one glowing hand. Wrinkles erase themselves, dirt falls neatly to the floor, and any sweat or stain that had previously clung to the fabric surrenders. Within three breaths, the shirt is clean and fresh, and I hand it back to my amazed daughter while I treat her pants the same way.

"Fold them neatly," I suggest mildly.

"Wow, Dad! How'd you do that?" She obediently folds the clothes, eyes still wide.

"Practice," I tease, before vanishing behind my own clothes screen. I emerge in a nightshirt and trews, my own clothes clean and folded already.

"Seriously, Dad, how'd you do it?" Kaylin is in one of the two beds already, Hakuryuu settled contentedly in her lap.

I seat myself on the second bed, and look at her. "Are you awake enough for a discussion about the physics of chi?" I ask wryly.

She yawns. "Not really," she replies, and I smile softly.

"I'll tell you about it tomorrow, on the way to Chang An."

"Okay." Hakuryuu burbles as Kaylin lies down and pulls the covers up to her chin. "Good night, Mister Dad."

I blow the candle out. "Good night, Miss Kaylin."

*****************************************************

I sleep, but not the way others do. First, there is the period of descending silence, where my muscles slowly accept that they won't be called upon for a while, and relax. It is during this time that the night-horrors usually come, and so I keep my eyes firmly shut. Tonight is no different; I hear shuffling in the far corners of the room, and privately lay bets on who it will be, if it speaks - but it doesn't. Not tonight. After a while, I slip into the realm of dreams and nightmares, reliving every horror my life has to offer. I see my own mother in some of them, sometimes: a dark figure bracketed by light, nobility evident in her carriage as she tells the nuns that whatever name they give me will be my name; she is washing her hands of me, and once I am out of sight, she will never have had a son. Tonight, she warps into the scorpion-youkai that poisoned Sanzo on our journey west. She pierces Sanzo with her impossibly long talons, and a flood of bright red blood gushes forth, washing her away. I put my hands up to shield myself, and when I bring them back down, they are youkai's claws. My arms are hugely muscled and a dark color, darker than the shade of old blood. I know that there is a huge door just behind me, closed firmly, and before me are rank upon rank of divine youkai that do not die unless obliterated - or torn to shreds too small to regenerate from. They are shouldered aside by Hyakugan Maoh, his dark-red carapace several shades lighter than my own coloring. He roars his anger at me, blood oozing sluggishly from wounds on his chest, belly, and thigh. My own body aches in the same places and I open my mouth, feeling the rows of needle-sharp teeth move out of the way. I roar my own challenge, and we charge each other while the ranks of divine youkai look on. That battle, thankfully, melts into darkness and my mind descends to the realm of my chi. Two blue-green shapes expand and contract, while a fist of red shudders rhythmically. Pulses of light in every color fly around my awareness in a pattern too complex to be understood, and I bask in the midst of them, resting at last. The peace does not last, however, and eventually the lights dim and leave me awake within a drowsing body. The hallucinations usually come again while I am incapacitated like this, and tonight is no exception. Kanan - I know it is her, even through my closed eyelids - stands at the foot of Kaylin's bed, bloodless arms outstretched towards me. The specter is pleading, at least, and not accusing.

"Gonou!"

My heart beats painfully at that perfect, impossible voice - but after five years it is a familiar pain, and in a way, I welcome it.

"Please, Gonou!"

I open my eyes. Kanan's specter no longer holds any terror for me; I am comfortable with my guilt. She is dead by bleeding tonight, fatal wound on her throat and clothes stained from the red waterfall that came forth from it. Otherwise, she is exactly as I last saw her - no bloating or rotting. Slowly, quietly, I force my body to wake and sit up. She reaches for me again, pleading, and I want to take her hand - oh, how I want to take it! But I promised, and I can't break those promises.

"I'm sorry," I whisper, the barest thread of sound, hands clenched firmly in my lap.

She looks at me, eyes no longer dead, and somehow the wound on her throat doesn't seem so prominent. Her skin no longer seems so pale, either, and she bites her lip absently. For the first time, the image of my wife is not one of her corpse. "You won't forget me, Gonou...will you?"

I smile around the pain, an expression that has only graced my lips once before – the night I took off my inhibitors, the night Sanzo threatened to kill himself if I let myself be killed. It’s an expression of pure love, an acceptance of all things, an apology, and the sweet sorrow of letting go. Almost soundlessly, I form the words that had cut deepest when I realized that she was dead, and death had been denied me.

“Even though you’re miles away, I’m by your side.”

She smiles, her expression matching mine – love, sorrow, and acceptance of what can’t be changed. “So open up your mind,” she sings, her voice just as I’d remembered it, “and close your eyes. I’ll be there for you, no matter where you are.”

I sit there, gazing into the eyes of the only woman I’ll ever love, tears running down my face, and drink in the sight of my beloved’s smile until the sun rises and banishes her.

*****************************************************

            Kaylin is just waking up when I return from the inn's kitchen with a breakfast tray. Hakuryuu chirps a welcome to me as I set the tray on the little desk between the beds, then gives a squeal of delight and attacks the bowl of chopped fruit in cream I'd brought for her. My daughter rubs her eyes, not quite awake yet, then blinks as the events of yesterday come back, and her face splits into the biggest grin I've ever seen on a human-sized face. It even challenges some I've seen on faces larger than human.

            "Good morning, Dad!" She stretches, taking in both the sight of breakfast and the fact that I'm already dressed. "Wow, you get up early!"

            "It's become a matter of habit," I explain, taking a seat on my bed. "I've spent the last two years on the road, traveling as quickly as possible." One of the two oranges on the tray is submitted to a practiced peeling as my fingers quickly strip it down to tender flesh. "First, we were trying to get West as quickly as possible, and after that, we were just as eager to get home again. Speaking of home -" I gesture with a wedge of orange. "As soon as breakfast is finished, I'll check out while you get dressed, and we can be on our way to Chang An."

            Kaylin utters a squeal to rival Hakuryuu's and attacks the sweet rolls first before dooming the eggs and sausage. My chi simmers just below my skin, and I content myself with buttered toast and my orange. I don't need anything more than that. Breakfast is rapidly demolished, and I leave Hakuryuu with my daughter while I take the tray back down to the kitchen. Alia, Thorm's wife, smiles at the crumbs and rinds that bear sad testament to the lavish breakfast that had so recently graced the dishes. I give her the tray with my thanks, and she smiles again.

            "Pretty young thing, your daughter," she says as she separates compost from dishes. "At that age, they eat like there'll be no food on the morrow, and grow like weeds. She's all elbows and knees now, but mark my words, give her two years and you'll have to beat the boys off with a stick."

            I raise one eyebrow mildly. "That shouldn't be necessary." Alia turns to favor me with an incredulous look. "I'm sure Gojyo can be persuaded to teach her self-defense. By the time boys become a problem, she should be able to beat them off with her own stick."

            The plump, middle-aged woman stares at me a second, then laughs. "I wouldn't be surprised! Spirited young thing like that, I shouldn't think she'd like anyone looking at her like that."

            Oh, how right she is...

            "Here, I'll make you up some lunch," Alia continues. "Won't be but bread with some cheese and ham in the middle, but 'tis a long way to Chang An, and not much place to stop for lunch."

            I smile and thank her again, then seek out Thorm to settle the bill. He refuses to accept payment, however, insisting that it's the least he can do for us.

            "We've made more money over the years off of patrons coming in to challenge Gojyo to cards, and drinking when they lose, to more than cover it," he tells me, and I bow to his generosity.

            Kaylin is once again dressed in the clothes from yesterday when I return to the room, her new finery carefully packed into the small bag that contains the sum of her worldly belongings. Hakuryuu glides over to me and takes her perch on my shoulder, and Kaylin follows me down the stairs. Thorm's eldest son, now a sturdy young man, takes the key and hands over a paper-wrapped package from his mother. Hakuryuu abandons her perch, and by the time my daughter and I emerge from the inn, her familiar green shape idles impatiently from the middle of the road. Package and bag go in the back seat, and we've barely climbed inside before she takes off like a shot. She knows the route; I sit at leisure and just watch the joy on my daughter's face for several miles. After the initial excitement passes, Hakuryuu settles down for the trip, and Kaylin settles back on the front seat. She watches the road slip past for several minutes, her chi heavy and stirring slowly.

            "What made you come to the orphanage, Dad?" She looks at me, that same serious gaze from yesterday. I don't try to hide behind a smile.

            "When I left Chang An, I didn't tell my friends what I was going to do." My words are measured, holding at bay the emotions that seethe behind my voice. "I had intended to just visit her grave - it's been five years, and I'd never gone back since I left the cairn there for her." She nods slowly, serious red eyes locked on my green ones. "I thought that since it had been five years, I should get directions there so I didn't get lost." I laugh ruefully. "I'll know better next time. I don't think I'll ever forget that route as long as I live. The directions took me to that lake," I continue, before the memories can catch up, "and I saw the orphanage at the top of the hill. It looked just like the one I grew up in."

            Kaylin's eyes widen. "You were an orphan, too?"

            I nod. "My mother left me there when I was three. I barely remember her. I never knew my father." This is something I'd never shared. Not with Sanzo, not with Gojyo, not with the other children at the orphanage - but Kaylin understands the unique pain and subsequent hatred of being abandoned by one's mother in a way that not even Gojyo does, and she deserves to know. "After your mother died," - it's understood that I mean Kanan - "I was at loose ends, unsure of what to do with myself. I settled for helping Sanzo and Gojyo, and then there was that trip West. A lot happened on that trip." I trail off, eyes unfocusing slightly. My daughter just watches, letting me put my thoughts in order. "The purpose of symbolic death is so that the newly-reborn can separate from what he or she had been, and become something new. Gonou had been declared dead, but it wasn't until halfway through that trip that he was laid to rest, and I could start being Hakkai."

            "How does that work, Dad? You're still the same person, aren't you?" Kaylin frowns, trying to understand.

            "Not at all," I laugh. "Gonou was cold-hearted and selfish. He hated the world for merely existing, and resented anyone who was less miserable than he was. When he met Kanan, she became the center of his world, and he would cheerfully have let the world burn as long as the fire didn't touch her. Perhaps...if she had lived...Gonou might have healed and grown to live in joy. When she died..." My hands clench on the steering wheel and I stare unseeing at the road, needing the comfort of the familiar shape under my fingers. "Life was torment without her. Gonou-" I repeat the name, separating myself from the memories of that time. "Gonou wanted the world to hurt as much as he did. He was enraged that he hadn't died. Life, for him, was a continued opportunity to suffer for having failed her, and to atone for that sin." I take a deep breath, focusing on the present, calming my emotions until I am able to continue in a lighter tone. "There was enough suffering on the trip West." I release the steering wheel and turn back to face Kaylin again. "I nearly died, on one occasion. It was something very important, and something only the youkai, Hakkai, could do. When I finished, I was very close to death. I had the opportunity to give up and die, like Gonou had wanted to do, or to keep fighting and live. I chose to live, and at that moment, Gonou truly died."

            Kaylin looks at me doubtfully. "That's just changing your mind, Dad. People change all the time."

            "Ah, it's a bit more complicated than just that example. I assure you, I feel like a new person. Gonou would have turned away from your old town angrily. I turned towards it because, even though I was afraid to admit it to myself, I'd hoped that I could bring joy to a life as miserable as mine was when I was a child." I smile gently at her. "It's taken me five years, but I'm just now starting to live as Hakkai." An amused chuckle escapes my lips, and I run one finger over the curve of my left ear. "There's also this. Gonou was human. Learning how to be a Youkai isn't as easy as it looks."

            Kaylin shifts a bit in her seat, tucking one leg up under her. "Are you going to give me that lesson on the physics of chi now?" Her eyes are bright with tears, but also with anticipation. It seems that my daughter has an appetite for knowledge.

            "Well, we have several hours before we reach Chang An. Let me explain the basics first, and then I'll demonstrate how the laundry trick works..."

            Hakuryuu drives on, listening with half an ear as I spend the next few hours expanding my daughter's understanding of the youkai side of her heritage. We don't bother to stop for lunch; Alia's package contains two round loaves of bread, sliced in half, with thick slabs of cured ham and sharp cheese stuffed inside. Kaylin eats absently as I explain the delicate balance I walk between 'not enough chi, need to eat' and 'too much chi, need to get rid of some'. That turns into a discussion of what foods provide raw energy for my body - such as bread - and which fuel my chi. The topic continues shifting in that way, following the whims of Kaylin's curiosity, and it is almost a surprise when Hakuryuu chirps for me to take the wheel again on the outskirts of Chang An. We drive slowly through the outer districts, mindful of the pedestrians, and maneuver carefully to the inn where I have a room reserved. This particular establishment has no attached tavern; Gojyo will be elsewhere until this evening. Sanzo will no doubt be hip-deep in Temple politics, expressing his displeasure with all the grace and veiled threat of a shark's shadow as it glides over a school of fish. Goku is sure to be wreaking his own brand of havoc at the Temple, as well. We will have the next two hours to ourselves; after that, we will leave for the restaurant.

            The innkeeper's assistant is the very soul of courtesy. He not only recognizes me, but has my key ready and offers to have a pallet for 'the young lady' brought up to the room, and in the same breath manages to inform Kaylin as to where the baths are while making it sound as though he is merely reminding me. I decline the pallet, instead acquiring a single room for Gojyo and keeping the double for myself and Kaylin. The beds - or Gojyo's, anyway - have been changed already, and Kaylin starts going through her clothes, laying them out on the sheets. She decides on the purple wrap-around dress in the style that Violet was wearing. It's dressy without being overly-formal, deep purple silk with dragonflies picked out in gold thread. The dragonfly hair clip joins it, and the purple slippers that match the dress. She gathers the clothes up carefully and looks around, having ignored us while choosing her wardrobe. Hakuryuu is curled up on my pillow, dozing in the sun from the window, and I've taken a change of clothes out of the small pack I'd left here.

            "Ready?"

            She nods, and I lead the way to the baths. Soap and shampoo are provided, along with towels. Copper boilers heated by the same fires as the inn's brick ovens provide hot water, and a series of sturdy wooden walls separate male from female. I luxuriate in the hot water as much as Kaylin does, letting my muscles relax before washing the dust out of my hair. I can hear Kaylin's sounds of delight over the splashing as she washes first, then soaks. She sings softly as she lets the heat soothe her, her clear voice caressing the notes of her mother's song. I can't help but touch the single scar that mars my skin: the thick, ugly scar that remained after the old chi-healer was done with me, five years ago. It's long since faded from angry red into white, but not even my chi can undo the damage to muscle and skin that nearly killed me twice. Every other wound I'd taken - then or since - had healed cleanly, my chi gleefully expending itself to perfectly replicate the tissues that were damaged or lost. I wonder if the old healer is still around. Maybe Goku can take me there... A wry smile twists itself onto my lips as I remember a night, before I had a name, when the thought of pursuing medicine as a career passed through my mind. It must have taken root and grown in some forgotten corner of my subconscious, fed by all the chi-healing I've had to teach myself to do over the years, because I find myself now wanting to see if the old youkai can teach me anything - or I can share some of what I've learned in exchange for the service he did me so long ago.

            The water cools eventually, and with a disappointed groan I hear Kaylin climb out of her tub. I climb out, as well, toweling off and dressing quickly. By the feel of the cloth on my skin, I can tell that I'll have to expend some chi, or the sensory acuity will drive me to distraction. Drying my hair with chi takes next to no effort, however. I emerge from behind the wooden walls with my old clothes tucked under one arm. After a moment, so does Kaylin. The purple silk looks stunning with her hair color, and she smiles shyly at me.

            "Come, Miss Kaylin," I announce formally, bowing with a flourish and presenting my arm, "Let us adjourn to our chambers. And see what we can do with that hair," I add in a teasing tone. She giggles, and takes my arm.

            Hakuryuu looks up at our entrance, chirps and bobs her head in approval, and lays her head back down. Kaylin stuffs her old clothes into her bag and digs out her comb, and I pull a chair out for her. The comb is plucked neatly from her fingers, and she opens her mouth to challenge me - I can do it myself, her eyes say - then suddenly sits in the chair instead, perfectly willing to let her old dad fuss over her as though she were a princess. Her hair, unsurprisingly, behaves exactly like Gojyo's. And Gojyo, for all that his vanity prevents him from cutting his hair short, has no patience for brushing or combing it. Drying the blood-red strands and combing the tangles out takes just enough effort to bring my chi down from a simmer. Once that's done, I hold up a small mirror so that she can pull her hair back on one side and fasten it with the dragonfly clip. The end result is elegant and slightly exotic, with the deep purple of the dress setting off her hair and eyes, and the dragonflies stitched into the fabric drawing the eye up to the matching shape of the hair clip. She surveys her reflection one last time, slightly awed at the lovely girl in the glass. I smile warmly, very proud of my beautiful daughter.

            Wake. I touch Hakuryuu with my chi, and she yawns before uncurling.

            Time? Go, tasty? Excitement at meeting up with the other three; images of tidbits she'd like to eat.

            Time, I confirm, and lift her from the pillow. She settles on my shoulder, claws firmly gripping my sash, and nuzzles my cheek in joyful anticipation. 

            The restaurant is close enough to the inn that we can walk, so we do. Kaylin is trying to look everywhere at once, ruby eyes very wide. I herd her gently along without rushing her, reassuring her that we won't be leaving in the morning and that she can take all day to look around the city. As it is, the gentleman that bustles up to us in the restaurant informs me that my party has already arrived, and points me to the table in the furthest corner. The room is dim after the sunlight outside, and the place is full, but I can make out Gojyo's hair, Goku's voice, and the electric-blue-and-green prickles coming from the Maten and Seiten Scriptures. I thank the man and turn to Kaylin, who is suddenly right behind me. Her chi is streaked with alarm and fear, though she does not show it.

            "I'll follow you, Dad." There is a slight nervous tremble in her voice, but her eyes are steady.

            I nod, and begin weaving my way towards the corner with Kaylin following closely enough to be my red-headed shadow. Goku and Gojyo are fighting out of boredom as we approach, Sanzo leaning against the wall with a glower on his face and a cigarette nearly burned down to nothing. His gaze slides over to me, eyes narrowing as he notices the girl following me. The round table in the corner would easily seat six; four on the curved bench around it, and two on chairs with their backs to the room. I grip the back of the wooden chair on the right and wait for Goku to get disgusted and ask Sanzo where I am and if he's sure I'll be here. It is Gojyo, however, that sees me and breaks off the fight.

            "Hakkai! You're late, I--" He breaks off as Kaylin leans to the left behind me and comes into view, and shocked crimson eyes stare into startled ruby ones.

            "Hey, Hakkai, there’s a girl following you!" There's Goku, jumping in to state the obvious... "Is she lost or something?" ...and the false conclusion.

            "'Course not, you stupid monkey!" Gojyo recovers quickly and flicks the boy's ear, eliciting a yelp and a glare. "Why would he bring her here? Oi, Hakkai," he continues, eyes appraising in his best overtly-lecherous manner, but voice mild and teasing, "Didn't you learn the right way to pick up chicks from watching me? You picked a pretty one, all right, but they're supposed to be at least a couple of years older than that!"

            "Gojyo!" I exclaim in my best shocked-but-not-really voice, "She's my daughter!"

            "Ah-ha! See? You pervert!"

            "What's that 'ah-ha' for, stupid monkey?"

            Let the games begin...

            Sanzo leans forward and snubs the cigarette out as the bickering starts back up again, eyeing both myself and Kaylin equally as though measuring us.

            "Oi," he says softly, and Kaylin - who had been watching with wide eyes - turns to look at him. "What's your name?"

            "C-Cho Kaylin," she answers, voice catching on the unfamiliar surname.

            Sanzo allows a ghost of a smile to flit across his face. "Well, Kaylin, I've never seen your dad so happy before. I can see that he must love you a great deal. Congratulations."

            Kaylin nods once, and Sanzo leans back. He eyes the bickering two with distaste, right hand sliding smoothly towards the hidden holster he keeps his gun in. Kaylin holds her breath, eyes wider than ever.

            "Both of you knock it off!" Sanzo's bark is right on schedule.

            Gojyo's eyes flick from Goku to Sanzo. He sees no gun, and dismisses the threat. "Stupid, stinky monkey!"

            "You take that back, you pervy pervert!"

            "Shut up before I kill you both!"

            You wouldn't think that the click of the revolver being cocked would carry, but it does. They freeze, and there is an instant of dead silence. Then-

            "Wow, Dad! That went exactly the way you said it would!"

            Kaylin's enthusiastic voice drops into the waiting silence, her eyes sparkling with excitement. The other three, however, are staring at me in shock that's rapidly fading into affronted unhappiness and wounded ego. I laugh nervously and snag a passing waiter, place an order for the entire appetizer section, and ask to be brought two glasses of water.