In person part two: The second kind

[moonshadows]

I woke up to Illidan’s fingers in my fur, caressing from the bridge of my nose to the base of my skull in soothing, random swirls.

Sleep okay, brother-buck?

The fingers stopped, then resumed with a mental smile. Well enough. Thank you, sister-doe.

Enjoying petting me? I teased.

“I don’t think I’ll ever get used to seeing you like this,” he murmured. “I don’t want to get used to seeing you like this. I don’t ever want to take you for granted.”

Well, as long as you get used to being out in the world, I think I could get used to waking up to you petting me. You have very clever fingers. I stretched, paws to tail, and turned to look at him-

-only to slide my gaze past him to the door as a spike of panic shot through him. Time for me to make us something to eat, I said as I hopped down and padded out of the room. I’m hungry and you’re famished. I’m going to change into something I haven’t slept in, and then I think there’s some venison calling our names. Meet me in the kitchen when you’re ready, okay?

I’m not- his protest was interrupted by a growl loud enough that I nearly turned back to look. I guess I am hungry. Can…can you make griddle-cakes with nuts? His mental voice was small and soft. I haven’t had those since I was a small child.

You got it, brother-buck. The mental hugs I gave him, and the ones I got back, were very warm.

 

I was making breakfast when I found myself thinking about Illidan’s body; his jutting ribs, his sunken eyes, his clawlike hands, his-

Brother-buck, what are you doing?

The images vanished in a guilty jolt. He’d been staring at himself in the pane of silvered glass by his closet, obsessing over his appearance although I still wasn’t sure how he could see anything through his eyes, not to mention the blindfold. Suddenly, the guilt became despair and he sank to his knees, arms crossed as if to hide the view of his torso.

I’m a wreck, he wailed silently, chest heaving as he fought to keep from sobbing. I look like an old man starving to death, sister-doe! How could anyone ever see me and not turn away in horror? Then, so faintly I could barely hear it, Tyrande will never love me…

I moved the steaks off of direct heat and dashed for Illidan’s room with all the speed nightsaber paws would grant me, but he flinched away, not wanting me to see him – and thus, not see himself through my eyes. Resolutely, I closed them and padded blindly to his side. When he didn’t turn to bury his face in my fur, I shifted back and wrapped my arms around him, my cheek pressed against the curve of his back.

You can feel my spine, he spat sourly.

Silently, I bombarded his self-loathing with my love. Not to be so easily reassured, he moved my hands until my fingers were resting on the lower edge of his ribcage, the concave hollow of his stomach a silent accusation. I showered him with affectionate thoughts of feeding him, all the dishes I knew how to prepare, meats and fruits and breads, cheese and grains and mushrooms, until he regained muscle and fat and was sleek and healthy.

I’ll never look like that. He rejected the images, solid in his disgust, unwavering.

You won’t if you don’t eat, brother-buck.

My skin is dry and hard. My hair is stiff and brittle. My eyes…

You haven’t eaten in thousands of years. You look like a starved tree root because you’ve been fed like one.

But my brother – the druids –

They come out of the Dream, silly, and they eat.

I’ll never be able to eat enough to undo the damage.

Enough was enough. I leaned back, my hands shaking free of his and forcing his head around until he flinchingly met my stern gaze. “Brother-buck, you are going to put a robe on and follow me to the kitchen, where I will feed you to bursting. While you digest breakfast, I’m going to prepare a pot of stew filled with nice, healthy grains and rich meats. And when it’s ready, you are going to eat a bowl of that every four hours until it’s gone. I won’t let you make yourself sick, but you’re going to spend the next few days with a full belly. We are getting your body used to food, and we are teaching your stomach that it’s okay to be full, and then the real eating will begin.” He looked a little uncertain at that, just a hint of being afraid, and I smiled. “You’re going to be a glutton, brother-buck. You’re going to feel like you’ve got a bear paunch, like every step you take is a waddle. You’re going to resort to nightsaber form for balance, and feel like your stomach’s almost brushing the ground. You’re going to spend half your nights napping because you’re so full, and half your days being woken back up for mid-day snacks so you don’t get a chance to be hungry. And when you’ve got a nice layer of fat under your soft, supple skin and your coat shines, we’re going to go running between meals and build up some muscle on those bones of yours.”

“Are you sure this will work?” he asked in a small voice.

“When the druids come out of a long shift in the Dream, this is what they do.”

He thought about that for a moment. Meekly, he said, “What’s for breakfast?” and twisted around to pick up the robe he’d discarded in favor of his self-examination.

I grinned at him as I stood. “Come down and find out.”

Halfway to the kitchen, he settled behind my eyes like a child clinging to a parent’s leg. Thank you for putting up with me, sister-doe.

Illidan, brother-buck, Mom would drop a month of her schedule to fuss over you if she knew you were out. But I don’t want to share you just yet. I want to be the one to fuss over you, to feed you and hold you and nourish you, heart and mind, body and soul. His heart pulsed surprised adoration over my possessive declaration. I don’t want your first meeting with Mom to be as anything but equals, friends. I want her to look at you and admire you, to see you as a man, as her childhood friend all grown up. I don’t want her to see you as someone she needs to be concerned for, to protect and fuss over like a child. I want her to see you and think, just for a moment, that this is what she could have had if she hadn’t chosen Dad.

Kayne, she’s your mother.

And you love her, and I love you. I know what you think of when you slake your need. He started guiltily; he'd tried to keep it from me, but he never was very good at not letting that bleed over. Mom’s had almost her entire life to be happy with Dad. She can spare a moment to think of you as the man she could have had in her bed.

The idea interested him, I could tell.

I don’t want to make her unhappy, he said slowly.

Well, she’ll be unhappy if she sees you like that. She’ll want to fuss over you and feed you and she’ll blame herself for letting you get that way in the first place.

He thought about that for a minute.

You won’t let me get fat, will you, sister-doe?

Brother-buck, you’re going to be as lean and delicious as a prime steak.

I sensed him stop mid-step. Delicious?

Delicious. Succulent. Mouth-watering. Highly attractive.

But-

Don’t even try it, brother-buck. I know what you looked like as a youth, and I know what Dad looked like after a few decades. Don’t even try to convince me you’re not going to be hot enough to be beating the girls off with a stick by the time I’m done with you.

For a few breaths, he thought about protesting, but then gave up. You know I’ll never love anyone but your mother.

I know, I replied calmly. I know, and you know, and Mom and Dad know, but no one else does. Doesn’t mean you can’t break a few hearts, make a few girls sigh. If there’s no offers, I’ll be very  disappointed. You don’t have to accept any of them, but if no one asks you to share her bed, then I will have failed you. Cheerfully, I added another handful of nuts to the batter I’d left sitting and ladled it onto the griddle. Now get in here. I want these griddle-cakes in your belly before they get cold.

I had six of them on his plate, doused with sweet syrup and melted butter, by the time he got to the kitchen.

“Eat up, the steaks and potatoes are almost done.” I fixed him with a stern look, and he slid into his seat like a scolded child. That lasted exactly one breath, and then the scent of the cakes made him grin with delight, his dry hair making him look like a child with bed-head. “I want to cut your hair while the stew’s cooking.”

The dismayed look on his face, mouth full of griddle-cake, was comical. I turned back to my cooking before he could see my expression.

“You’re right, your hair is stiff and brittle, and it will only reinforce the idea that you’re unhealthy. I want to cut it down to almost nothing so that it’s not there for you to feel bad about, and watching it grow back in soft and silky will make you feel better about yourself.” The steaks were done; I drizzled the fat onto his potatoes and sat across from him to eat before mine got cold, sliding his plate over as I did.

Illidan opened his mouth to protest, then thought better and stuffed griddle-cake into it instead. But I’ve never had short hair. The fear of change made his mental voice tremble.

You’ve never lived out in the world without Dad, either. Like him, I used my mouth for eating and spoke with my mind. Think of it as cutting away your past and letting your future grow.

Letting my future grow.

Remember what I said long ago about your future actions outweighing your past? You’re starting that now. The world has forgotten Illidan Stormrage; it’s time for you to decide who you want to be, and introduce yourself to the world.

He grinned at me around a mouthful of potato. When you put it like that, I can’t wait to get started.

My own mouth full of meat, I grinned back at him. Finish your breakfast, let me finish mine, and I’ll cut your hair before I start the stew.

The last bite of griddle-cake vanished into his mouth. I could sense his regret that they were all gone even as his stomach groaned. You’re sure you won’t let me make myself sick? It all tastes so good that I’m going to eat everything you put in front of me.

I finished my steak and picked up his syrup-smeared plate. Your stomach’s overreacting. A few days of being full will teach it what normal is. The griddle was still hot, and when I started making my share of cakes, the scent made his mouth water and his stomach protest unhappily.

He repeated You’re sure? miserably, hands stroking his belly.

While the cakes cooked, I slipped over to him and patted his upper back a few times. The resulting belch was gratifyingly loud, and the look of surprise on his face made me giggle. “Better?”

“Yes,” he said bashfully. “I still want to eat your cakes, though. They’re every bit as good as I remember.”

“I learned from Dad.” I gave him a quick hug and murmured, “Greedy thing,” affectionately before hurrying back to flip the cakes. He watched enviously as I ate them, hands still roaming over his abdomen, too full to be sleepy from food but not wanting to move.

After I cleared the table, I darted off for a bathing tunic, a swath of cloth, and my scissors. The tunic went on over his robe and even over the chair, while the cloth went on the floor. He forced himself to be still as I removed his blindfold, although his eyes were shut so tightly that the scarred flesh around them was white.

“Relax,” I murmured. “I’m behind you. I can’t see your face.”

He settled behind my eyes and looked at his hair with faint loathing. Get rid of it.

Lock by dry lock I cut away his hair, chopping it roughly to a hand-length and finger-combing it to both get a sense for where his scalp was and to distract him, and then I gently urged him to lean his head back, my eyes focused on his hairline. Finger-length by finger-length, front to back, I trimmed his hair down to a blue fuzz. When I was done, he watched from behind my eyes as I gathered it into the cloth and brought the whole thing outside to spread on the grass.

Birds will use it to build their nests, I said in answer to his unspoken curiosity. The idea pleased him.

When I got back to the kitchen, he was blindfolded again and the tunic was neatly folded in his lap, although he hadn’t moved from his chair. I ducked down to the cellar and hauled up the biggest cauldron, the one that I could fit into comfortably, and set it with a heavy thunk into place over the fire. The Highborne whose house this had been had apparently been kind to his or her servants, and boiling water from the hot spring below poured easily out of the tap. While the cauldron filled, I ducked back down for sacks of grains and vegetables preserved by the stasis rooms. Illidan watched as I chopped, slightly unsettled by the size of the cauldron I’d picked and the sheer amount of food going into it. I contemplated the contents of my meat locker while chopping vegetables, debating the merits of bear and stag, and finally decided to use both.

The heavy slabs of meat I hauled up and laid on the counter made Illidan nervous, and I grinned as I chopped them into bite-sized chunks and threw them in the cauldron. When I went down and came back with another armload, he began to panic a little.

It’s not the whole animal, I reassured him.

How much meat do you have down there? He sounded more than a little shaken.

I sent him an image.

That meat weighs more than I do, and it’s not even denting your supply.

Brother-buck, are you being intimidated by your future meals?

Yes.

You’ll win, you know, I said with a grin.

If I don’t burst open first. One bowl every four hours? How long is this going to last me?

Long enough that you’ll forget what it feels like to have hunger be the normal state of things. You spent centuries not eating, brother-buck. It’s not going to take nearly as long to undo that. I checked the water level and turned the tap off before hunting down my spice jars and a long spoon to stir the whole mess with. This should be done in time for your first bowl to be between dinner and bed.

He looked up at me as I came back over. “I’m going to be eating a meal at dawn?”

“And I’ll wake you up around mid-day for another bowl, and you’ll be eating one at dusk.” Nervously, his hands spread over his stomach. I took them in mine. “Trust me. I won’t let you make yourself sick. You’ll get used to it in a few days, and then we can start running a little. By the end of the month, you’ll be asking for seconds.”

He eyed the enormous pot. “Lean and delicious?”

I hugged him, nuzzling the fuzz of his hair. “Sleek and soft, lean and delicious. The physique of a druid and the glamorous good looks of the upper crust. Come outside and be decadent while I practice, and later tonight you can hold the bag while I start weeding the gardens.”

You’ll teach me your practice routines too, right?

“Once you’ve gotten used to eating again,” I reassured him, standing up and pulling him to his feet. “I’ve got some glaives around here, we can start beating each other up in the waking world next week. It’ll make a change from chasing each other all over the hills.”

Silently, he watched me through golden nightsaber eyes as I worked through the routines I learned from Shandris, then doused myself in cold water from the reservoir fed by snowmelt.

“I’m going to get changed and start on lunch,” I told him as I dried myself off roughly. “Got a preference for what to eat?”

No, you pick. I’m just going to relax out here some more.

I gave him a pointed look, and his ears drooped.

Okay, I’m going to think very hard about your mother and the words ‘lean and delicious’. Is that better?

“Aim for the peach tree; it just finished blossoming and can use the extra help to make its fruit.” I ruffled his head as I passed, and was rewarded with his tail curling up and down. He tried to shield his thoughts, self-conscious the way he hadn’t been in centuries because he was no longer hidden away underground and would be seeing me soon enough, knowing that I knew what he’d done, but I anticipated his control slipping. When we were both done, I finished dressing and checked our stores of fruit and mushrooms.

I’m surprised you let me do that, he said quietly while I made my choices.

Why wouldn’t I?

Wasting energy I should be conserving?

It makes you feel good, and you’ll be eating more than enough to replace it. I want you to indulge yourself, brother-buck. I want you to wallow in satisfying every need your body has. You’ve been punishing yourself for too long – if you want to rub yourself raw, go right ahead. But warn me first so I can make you a salve or cream to reduce chafing.

Silently, invisibly, he blushed.

 

Later, while I was weeding the herb garden, he said, You’re sure I’m not a burden?

I plucked another weed and dropped into the bag he was holding for me. “Positive.”

But…you’re doing all this for me…

“I’d be weeding the garden and cooking anyway. I’d rather have you here to help, brother-buck.”

I’m not doing much to help. I’m a mess, and you’re constantly picking up the pieces and putting me back together.

“I get to see you and hold you. I pulled you out of your den; if it takes a hundred years for you to get stable again, then that’s what it takes. I’m here for you.”

He was silent for a few minutes. Then, I leaked again. Even though we’re together and I don’t need to be behind your eyes, I still can’t give you privacy in your own mind. Unspoken was the offer of teaching me the spell so that at least the lack of privacy would go both ways.

“No.”

“What?”

I dropped a handful of weeds into the bag and sat on my heels, looking at him. “No. I won’t cast the spell even if you teach it to me. Think about it, brother-buck. What do you have that you haven’t already given to Dad or shared with me? You spent thousands of years safely hidden away from the world, but I’ve dragged you out of your den. If you want to be alone, what refuge do you have?” With unnecessary force, I yanked a weed out of the dirt. “Your mind is your own. I won’t invade it, I won’t take that sanctuary from you. You’ve given everything you had to Malfurion, and as far as I’m concerned, that entitles you to half of everything I have because without you, I wouldn’t have any of it.”

“Kayne…”

“You had dreams of taking out your eyes,” I said softly. “I overheard them. You gave everything to Dad so you could save Mom.”

He trembled and sank to his knees, the bag nearly forgotten in his hands.

“I don’t believe for a second that Mom doesn’t know, not with Shandris having disagreed with Dad over locking you up. I wouldn’t be here without your sacrifice, brother-buck. You gave up your destiny? Fine. Elune put us together, so you can share mine.”

That thought gave him pause. There were two kinds of twins: he and my Dad had been born the first kind, where the destiny laid before them is so vital that the second child is born just in case something happens to the first. I was offering to be the second kind, where the twins are extensions of each other, unified in whatever they do, unstoppable.

You would let me… His hands fisted in the burlap. But then shouldn’t you cast the spell, so we CAN be extensions of each other?

I leaned over and kissed his forehead before leaning mine against it. I’m the dominant one; I lead, you follow. Not intruding on your mind, giving you that power over me, is what keeps us equals. You gave Dad everything you had, so I’m sharing everything I have with you. All I ask in return is your love, brother-buck. Your company. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.

Kayne… He dropped the bag and hugged me, our chins sliding to rest on each other’s shoulders. You have it, sister-doe. You have it. His mind churned, the broken pieces re-arranging, looking at everything from different angles until they made a whole again. Twins… For years I’ve been drifting, sister-doe, lost with you my only anchor to anything, and now…I feel like I have a place in the world again. I have a purpose. I belong. His arms tightened and his breathing hitched. Thank you.

There were no words to express what we were feeling, so we just drifted in the whirlpool of belonging until an angry growl interrupted us. Laughing, I leaned back and grinned at the blush coloring his cheeks.

“But it’s not even dinnertime!”

“So? Your body wants food, so we’re going to feed you.” I took the burlap sack from him and led the way into the house. “Stew should be done, and you can tell me how it is.”

His stomach growled again at that, and I hid my grin by ladling thick stew into a bowl. Despite his blush, he was seated at the table by the time I was done, and he dug in like a starving man – which he kind of was. Incoherent pleasure and the speed with which he devoured it told me that it had come out very well indeed, and when he sat back with a contented sigh, there was no shame in his mind.

“Sister-doe, that was delicious.” Illidan grinned at me, then belched and sighed again, fingers drifting over his protesting stomach. “I would eat another bowl if you’d let me, even knowing that it would make me sick.”

“Oh?” I grinned back. “Finally at peace with being a glutton for a while?”

“Well…I won’t get better if I don’t eat. Tyrande will worry if she sees me like this. And you worry enough to have made it for me.” He took a breath, emotions churning. “You’re my sister-doe. You lead, and I follow, and if I need to make a pig of myself for a while to be able to keep up with you, then I will wallow happily in my gluttony.” One hand reached for me, and I stretched mine out to take it. “I have a place in the world, and a purpose. I can’t do anything if I’m a withered tree root, so I’ll eat everything you put in front of me and do everything you ask of me so that when you need me for anything…I’ll be able to do anything you need.”

My mouth fell open, and then the world dissolved in a sudden rush of tears.

Sister-doe?

Couch. Cuddles.

Concerned, Illidan guided me to the den and sat me on the couch, where I promptly curled up against him and cried into his shoulder while he held me and rubbed my back. Words failed me; I flung giddy relief and sharp gratitude, mindless joy and sweet contentment at him until he melted into a nightsaber and tipped me onto my back where he draped himself on me, heavy and warm and purring. His rough tongue dried my tears and his heavy tail thumped gently against my ankle as he returned each of the tangled emotions.

I’m not hurting, I reassured him once my thoughts returned to something resembling order. It’s just that I’ve been sharing your pain for so long that, now that it’s gone, the release…

He nuzzled me. You cried for me, because I can’t.

You can’t?

I…burned out my tear ducts. Embarrassment colored the silent words.

But then what keeps your eyelids from sticking to…your eyes?

Oh, I coated the crystals in a frictionless spell before I put them in. Made it tricky to get a grip on them. The image of a black sphere cupped in one hand came to me, followed by the sensation of a hand half-covering a face, and something cool sliding around until it came to rest with a shock of relief in the eye socket.

You’re much calmer about sharing that now, brother-buck.

The purring paused for a moment, then resumed as he laid his head on my shoulder. Somehow…somehow it’s different now. Before, I knew with my head that you wouldn’t turn on me. Now I know that with my heart. You’re sharing everything you have with me; there’s no reason to keep anything from you. Elune still loves me. You accepted me into your life as I am. Therefore…I must be worthy of being loved, and if you can accept all the dark places in my past, then I should be able to do the same. I would accept them if they were in your past, so while I’m not proud of them and not comfortable sharing with anyone else…I can share with you, because that’s what we are now. His breath caught. I can accept myself because I am an extension of you. I’m not…I’m not well yet, but I’m not fighting myself anymore.

I wrestled one hand free and scratched the thick fur behind his ear. “You’ll get there, brother-buck. We’ll get you there.”

He blinked and yawned, full tummy and scritches making him relaxed and sleepy. You’re…doing all of this for me because you’re my sister-doe and you love me. And I’m your brother-buck, and I’d do the same for you. So I shouldn’t fight it, because someday you may need me to do this for you, and I will, and you won’t fight it because I’m your brother-buck and I love you.

You’re catching on, I said with a mental grin.

He yawned again. What should I do until dinner?

Let me up so I can cook it, and then curl up for a nap until it’s ready.

Oh, right. Lazily, he flowed to the floor and sprawled by the hearth. Wake me when it’s time for me to be a greedy pig again.

I picked myself up off the couch and knelt by him for a minute, stroking and petting, bombarding him with love and contentment until his mind slipped away into sleep.