Anything you need

[moonshadows]

Made it just in time, Illidan said silently as he opened the living wood and padded into our Winterspring home. Outside, the first fat flakes of snow had just begun to fall, drifting gently down like a cold reassurance. His mental tone was light and cheerful, but I could feel his anxiety just beneath the surface.

The trip from Darnassus to Winterspring had taken a week, but it felt like forever. I knew that what I was doing was the right thing – I’d promised Illiara and Berthas that Tiane would be their child, after all, and the branch of the Timeless Tree’s nudging hinted strongly that I’d be needed elsewhere within a few years. Leaving once she was weaned, letting them raise her – it was the best course of action for everyone involved.

But it felt so wrong.

I hadn’t made it much further than the outer edge of the city before my brother-buck had dragged me off into the bushes to cry on his shoulder at abandoning my daughter, and at least once a night he’d had to do the same thing. It felt…Mother Moon, but it felt like some part of me was bleeding away with every step that took me further from my baby girl. I’d been quiet for most of the trip – when I wasn’t wailing silently about how bad a mother I was, that is. And Illidan, my long-suffering not-twin, had taken it in stride. I needed to cry; he was there with a purring shoulder. I needed reassurance; he lavished me in warm affection. I needed distraction; he regaled me with a witty tale. Inertia had kept me going, the knowledge that we had a goal. But now that we were here, I felt all my will to keep going drain out through my paws. I didn’t even have to flick the thought at him that I was going to bed; Illidan knelt and hugged my neck, reassuring me that he’d be up in a moment, as soon as he’d dealt with the packs.

Our bed was cold. I curled up on my side under the blankets, waiting for my body heat to build a pocket of warm air, trying not to think of my infant daughter sleeping on her father’s chest as he dozed in the chair, having finally lulled her to sleep. When Illidan slid into bed and held me close, his legs tangling with mine, his arm a warm band against my cold flesh, his chest warm against my back, the tingle of his tattoos a familiar buzz, I didn’t even have the energy to cry.

I know, sister-doe, he said, soft and sad. I’m here for you. Anything you need.

As I slipped into darkness, my bleeding heart clung to that word. Anything.

 

When I woke, it was late afternoon. The snow had stopped and Illidan was dead asleep, one arm still draped over me. I didn’t feel any better; in fact, I felt worse. I was the worst mother alive, my daughter was secretly going to hate me for abandoning her, and everyone was looking down their noses at me for having done it. I had just enough reason left to acknowledge that I was being unreasonable, but I didn’t care. Suddenly, I needed proof that someone cared about me, and words didn’t count. Anything, Illidan had said. Well, I needed him to prove that. I slipped out of bed and opened the window enough to slither out through.

The wind caressed my owl’s wings as I flew blindly towards the nearest of the tiny, artificial mountains that ringed our valley. I needed proof, so I was going to lay everything on the line to test my brother-buck’s devotion. A gentle slope in the lee of a boulder gave me a place to sit, partially protected from the bitter wind but not at all from the relentless cold, just barely able to see the Living Tree of our house unless I closed my eyes. He would be able to see through my eyes.

I closed them.

This was the test: If he cared, if he really truly cared, he would find me before I succumbed to the cold. If not…well, it would be the end I deserved for being such a horrible mother to my daughter. As the cold penetrated my body, I wrapped my arms around my legs and laid my chin on my knees, the same as I’d done the first time I’d stumbled into Illidan’s dream as a teenager, and surrendered to miserable self-pity.

The temperature dropped as night fell, but I’d gone numb long before that. The icy wind had frozen the tears clinging to my lashes, and I couldn’t open my eyes if I wanted to for the ice sealing them shut. I resigned myself to a cold and dark death, unloved, unmourned, unable to even see the light of the White Lady, shunned forever.

Then Illidan awoke.

He knew immediately that something was wrong; his panic blazed into my mind like a burning brand laid on the bare flesh of my frozen body, thoughts leaping from empty bed to half-open window and connecting with the drowning depression that bogged my thoughts down. He flung himself after me, donning feathers as he leaped into the cold. His concern thawed a fragment of apology; just enough that he could sense from me that this was a test, that I knew I was being unfair.

He didn’t care. I needed him.

Where are you? he asked, but he knew there would be no answer. Grimly, he clawed his way through the sky, seeking my flickering life energy.

I drifted in and out, catching glimpses of his thoughtsm sharp owl eyes scouring mountainsides, and then in a rush of sound and concern he was there, next to me, and everything dissolved into a flood of warmth, as if the world had been ripped open and I were drowning in its lifeblood.

 

When I came to, I was up to my chin in the hot bathing pool, with my brother-buck’s arms holding me securely on his lap and his chest beneath my cheek. I was alive. He cared. I cried, the toxic emotions bleeding out of me, chased away by his unrelenting love.

Anything you need, he whispered silently, one hand brushing hair away from my eyes, his lips warm on my forehead.

That made me feel worse; now that I had the proof I’d craved, I could see how selfish and thoughtless I’d been. I’d lashed out cruelly, and he had suffered it without complaint. How can you stand me, brother-buck?

I love you, sister-doe, he said simply. I can’t imagine life without you.

The same answer I’d given him, back in his den. It was so obvious. I should have seen it, should have known, but somehow I’d let myself get sucked into a spiral of dark thoughts. That he’d dove in without hesitation to drag me back made me feel even more horrible about what I’d done.

Sister-doe, what’s wrong?

Tears choked me, making my efforts at breathing sound like some wounded animal. I tried to…

Hey, none of that, he said firmly, arms tightening around me. I got one attempt, you got one attempt. Just don’t ever do that to me again. If you kill yourself, I will NEVER forgive you, do you hear me?

Again, the same words I’d given him. “I hear you,” I murmured, my voice rusty, feeling very small.

He kissed my forehead again. “Then I forgive you.”

His lofty tone pulled a weak laugh out of me. My body felt limp and heavy and I knew better than to try to move – he was going to dote on me shamelessly, and I was more than willing to let him – but I didn’t want to be in the dark anymore. Slowly, I forced my eyes open and let them drift over the lavender and black field that was Illidan’s…was Illidan’s…

As his chest came into focus, I could see clearly that the swirls and jagged lines marking his chest were black, the magical repositories empty of the power of Elune they’d carried for thousands of years. Although he knew I could replace the power easily, Illidan never really used it. He preferred feeling it tingle against his flesh, a constant reminder that the goddess still counted him as one of Her children – and having them black and empty reminded him uncomfortably of why they’d been created in the first place. Seeing them black against his skin horrified me, not for how they looked, but for what it implied.

“They’re empty,” I whispered.

The fuzzy, relieved joy that had buzzed through his thoughts stilled. If I had lost you… He shuddered, nuzzling my hair. Kayne, Kayne, sister-doe, don’t you realize that you’re everything to me? I would give much more than that to keep you safe. When I saw you…you were so cold and still, your mind fading out. I was terrified of losing you. I poured it all into you, every last bit, and I don’t regret it. Without you… He swallowed. Without you, sister-doe, there is no me. The power can be replaced. You can’t.

Before I could stop it, a traitorous poisoned thought slipped out. You were Dad’s twin first.

Sister-doe, sister-doe, don’t you remember what I told him over breakfast after he found out about me?

Obligingly, the ten-thousand-year-old memory replayed itself.

Sooner have jumped than let him fall?

We were above the Well of Eternity, he said, sharing the dizzying view. On the back of a dragon, twisting the magic that funneled demons into our world, reversing it. Furion lost his balance; I caught him, but nearly lost my hold on the magic. If I had failed to reverse the spell, our world would have been overrun, but I would sooner have jumped in and been funneled to the demon’s world than let him fall; I told Furion that dusk that I would do the same for you.

But we weren’t…

Are you sure about that, sister-doe?

The protest died. Maybe it had taken us four thousand years to recognize it officially, but when had we become twins? We’d been nearly identical when we met that day in his dream.

When I gave up my eyes, he said softly, I knew I was giving up my destiny. Even if I was his twin first, you were the one to pull me out of my misery again and again. You gave me everything. If I lost you… He took a shaky breath. Your parents would mourn both of us, because there would be nothing left of me. You need me to prove myself? I’ll do it gladly. Take a week, a month, a year to recover, and I’ll give you all the love and support you need every second of every day and night and never grow impatient because you’re my sister-doe, and you’ve done the same for me a hundred times over. Anything you need, I will do for you.

My fingers slid over the curve of one tattoo. You’re not sick of doting on me? You don’t think I’m horrible for giving up Tiane?

His laugh rumbled in the ear pressed against his chest. “Sister-doe, now that we’re alone, I can give you my undivided attention and not have to share you with anyone else. I love your fawn because she’s your fawn, but living with a baby and a married couple doesn’t give me the freedom to completely dote on you the way you deserve.” One finger caressed my cheek lightly. “Or the way you need me to.”

That word sparked into reality, a need I hadn’t felt in days suddenly burning in my loins, and I could feel Illidan respond. Wordlessly, he twisted around and set me on the ledge where he’d been sitting, half-buoyed by the water and half propped up by the sculpted headrest, fingers flicking over my nipples as they peaked in the sudden chill of not being immersed. When he was sure I wouldn’t fall he entered me, slowly, smiling against my mind with how I gasped and half-begged for more. It wasn’t long before I trembled and cried out, and he followed with a deep sound of satisfaction, hands on my hips, feeling me pulse around him as my body hungrily milked him for his seed. I slumped against the stone, content, but that faded as my acorn absorbed his offering and suddenly, I knew that what I’d been craving wasn’t my pleasure. Again Illidan responded to my silent demand, slipping around until he could present me with his newly-hardened length, and I went to work as he groaned and slumped backwards, limp on the floor with his legs dangling in the water. When he came again, I drank every bit greedily and slid down the stone until I was sitting up to my chin in hot water, warm and content, his gift of life-energy filling my belly.

You can’t sleep in the bath, sister-doe, he chided with amusement.

Then you’ll have to carry me to bed, I teased back, eyes closed, already drifting off.

As you wish, he said softly.

The last thing I felt was his lips against my forehead.

 

When I woke, the first thing I did was to roll over and snuggle into the warm spot where my brother-buck had been. A silent chuckle greeted me, Illidan’s affection mixed with amusement and relief that I’d slipped back into my usual patterns. He inhaled deeply, projecting the scent of the spiced porridge in the bowl he was carrying, making my stomach grumble. A different hunger followed moments later and, shamelessly, I let longing thoughts of being covered by his nightsaber form fill my mind.

“Oh no,” he chuckled as he entered the room. “I don’t think so. I’m not about to go through all that effort only to have you realize what it is you really want.” A soft clunk was the bowl being set on the bedside table. “Come on, sister-doe. Take what you want, and then it’s breakfast in bed, and then you can go back to sleep.”

I peeled one eye open to discover an erect penis close enough that I would hardly have to move to take it into my mouth, and the hunger transmuted itself to thirst. Suddenly, there was nothing I wanted more than to have that glorious cock in my mouth and suck it dry. I lunged, unable to bite back a whimper as my lips closed around it, feeling soft skin along my tongue and the even softer head press against the roof of my mouth. Illidan groaned as I sucked him in, my throat working in anticipation, rolling him around to moisten his thick shaft so I could force him down, deeper, as if I could swallow him whole. It didn’t take long to get his soft head trapped between the arch of my tongue and the edge of my hard palate, alternately squeezing and sucking as though my life depended on it. His climax trembled in the back of my mind, wordless need fueling the flames of my hunger and spurring me on to more urgent motions.

When he came, I drank his seed greedily, pushing him nearly down my throat so that not a drop could be wasted, only reluctantly letting his softening member slide back out of my mouth. The glow of life-energy, generously gifted, filled my belly and satisfied its hunger. Sated and sleepy, I let him feed me a few bites of porridge before the effort of keeping my eyes open became too much, and I dozed off.

 

“Come on, sister-doe. Just a few more bites.”

I yawned, eyes slipping shut. I’m not hungry.

“Kayne, you only had a few bites of breakfast.” His hand trembled on my shoulder. You need to eat.”

Wordlessly, I let him feel the contented glow of my full belly.

That’s only full of life-energy, he protested. You need to feed your body, too.

But I’m not hungry.

Your stomach was growling before I let you drink me, sister-doe.

Not hungry, I insisted sleepily, settling my head on his thigh and drifting into sleep.

 

 Kayne, Kayne, sister-doe, time to wake up and have some dinner.

I’m not hungry.

You haven’t eaten since breakfast. I know you know better than that.

I nestled deeper under the blankets, smiling slightly at the glow still filling my belly. Still full.

Sleep claimed me again.

 

Unhappily, Illidan stared at his sleeping sister-doe. He didn’t have enough affinity for nature-magic to heal, but he had enough to be able to tell when a body wasn’t healthy – and she wasn’t. The stored light of Elune he’d poured into her had undone the effects of sitting in the cold, but something still wasn’t right.

In his youth, Illidan had been too proud to ask for help. He no longer suffered from pride in such a way.

The bowl of soup he’d meant to feed Kayne was cooling; absently, he drank it. If she was going to refuse to ingest anything but his seed, he would need the nourishment – and there was no point in letting it go to waste. When it was gone, he set the empty bowl aside and sat where he could watch his sister-doe. Then, resolutely, he shut his eyes and sought the Emerald Dream – and his brother.

Illidan found Malfurion in a dream of the forest that once surrounded Suramar, sitting in the hawthorn tree they’d spent so many hours climbing as children. For a moment the two of them just sat together in silence, reveling in one of the few crumbs of solidarity their separate destinies allowed them.

“What brings you to my dreams, brother?” Malfurion asked at last.

Illidan grimaced. “After Kayne was born, was Tyrande more interested in eating…or in eating you?”

The druid blushed and began to ask “Why do you want to know?” but only got halfway through the question before realizing that his brother would only know to ask about that specifically if he were in the same situation – and little Tiane had been weaned very recently. He choked out an inarticulate protest at imaging his twin and his- “Illidan! She’s my daughter!”

“And she’s not eating,” Illidan said somberly. “Please, Furion. If you have any tips, I need them.”

Malfurion closed his eyes, struggling to not think about his daughter, his only child, with her lips around his brother’s penis. He focused instead on picturing her wasting slowly away, hands fisted on his knees. Finally, he shoved all thoughts of brothers and daughters away. “Mix your seed with a small bowl of porridge,” he said heavily. “Feed that to her as soon as she wakes, and give her a mug of mint tea. That’s what worked with Tyrande.”

Illidan clasped Malfurion’s shoulder gratefully. “Thank you, brother.”

“Illidan.”

Halfway to his feet, he stopped. “Furion?”

“I’m…sorry.” The druid looked up, remorse in his golden eyes. “I have no right to pass judgment on anything you do. I know this is more awkward for you than it is for me. Just…take care of her. Don’t tell her we had this conversation. Please.”

“What brought this on?” Illidan asked as he crouched down again, concerned.

Malfurion smiled, but it was full of pain. “You haven’t called me ‘brother’ in centuries. Most of the time…I don’t feel like I deserve it. I haven’t been much of a brother to you. So when I say it, I feel selfish. When you say it…I feel guilty.”

Eyes shut tight on the tears that didn’t exist, Illidan hugged Malfurion tightly. “I’m sorry, too,” he whispered. “It was my choice, Furion. My fault. I regret the pain it has caused everyone, but I would do it again in a heartbeat. Tyrande’s well-being was more important to me than anything else; now, it’s Kayne’s.”

“I know.” Malfurion swallowed back his tears. “Thank you.”

 

I woke up to a horrible gnawing in my gut, a burning in my loins, and the smell of spiced porridge in my nostrils.

“Shh, it’s okay,” Illidan said, one hand stroking my hair. “I know what you want, sister-doe.”

My head, I knew, was pillowed on his thigh. I turned it towards the erection I knew he’d have, but found a spoon at my lips instead.

“I know what you want,” he repeated, firmer, “but you’re going to eat this first. When the bowl is empty, if you still want it, you can have it.”

You’re mean, I pouted, opening my mouth to accept the porridge all the same.

“Only because I love you,” he replied, not bothered in the slightest. “Now eat up; there’s a mug of mint tea for you, as well, if you want it. With honey.”

The porridge tasted odd, but in a good way. Although I’d been eating it only grudgingly, I found myself eager for the next bite, and the one after that, and soon the other hunger was forgotten in my newfound and growing need to have that strangely delicious porridge in my belly. When Illidan urged me up to drink from the mug, I nearly drank it down in one long pull, leaving only the too-sweet dregs.

“That was good,” I panted as I lay back down.

“How do you feel? Hungry? Thirsty? Tired?”

“Full.” After a moment’s consideration, I added, “Satisfied. What did you put in that porridge?”

He leaned down to kiss my forehead. “I told you I knew what you wanted.”

Maybe I should have felt embarrassed for my gluttony, but the mint was already starting to take hold. “Clever, brother-buck. I’m sorry, you were right, I should have eaten dinner. I think…I should not sleep all night again, but I don’t know that I can walk down to the den right now.”

Idly, I contemplated the threads in Illidan’s robe. Oh yeah, the mint was kicking in. It wasn’t really a surprise when he scooped me up and carried me easily from our room. I laid my head on his shoulder, mint fuzz making the world a delightfully floaty place, and let him settle me on the wide couch in the den with furs beneath me and blankets around me.

“I’m going to raid our supply of snowball mushrooms,” he said as he finished. “Make you some nice, fresh, mint-and-iceberry spiral cakes.”

An incoherent sound of joyful longing was all I managed, but he laughed and hugged me anyway.

“I’ll be listening very hard,” he reassured me. “If you need anything, I’ll be right there. You had a hard week, sister-doe. It’s time to relax and let me pamper you.”

Through the floaty haze of mint, I pushed affection and acquiescence at him.

He laughed again. “Good. You know better than to fight when you won’t win. Rest now, sister-doe.”

I rested.