moonshadows

((Because it amused me, the realization that Artie has enough faith in himself and is jaded enough that he knows what his future self would do because that's what he would do, therefore he must have done it even if it just occurred to him. Also, his ability to imply things. But then again, years of practice not setting off Steve's lie detector.))

As much as Claudia liked to joke and exaggerate, Artie did live through the 80s. That’s why, when he heard the three sonic booms, his first reaction was to roll his eyes and groan. Peering around the wall of crated artifacts showed that yes, there were flaming tire tracks leading to a silver DeLorean that had just screeched to a stop fairly close to him.

“What the hell is going on here?” he thundered as the doors hissed open, glaring at the man and woman inside with sheer, unbridled fury. “What the hell do you two think you’re doing?”

The woman elbowed her companion. “I told you it wouldn’t work, Alexi. We’re sorry, Artie! We just wanted to see if it would work!”

They recognized him. They were from the future, and he was still in charge. Good to know. “Oh! You just wanted to see if it world work. Oh, well, okay then. That completely negates ALL THE DANGERS INHERENT WITH TIME TRAVEL AND FRIVOLOUS ARTIFACT USE! Don’t you know what the punishment for this is?”

“Yes, Artie,” Alexi sighed, chastised.

“And yet, somehow that was not severe enough, or I was not clear enough, to dissuade you two.” They flinched away from his anger. “You are in deep, deep trouble, both of you.”

“Please, Artie, it was my idea! Jenna tried to talk me out of it!”

“And you should have listened! You’ve worked here how long?”

“Three years,” they chorused in shame.

“And you’ve nearly been killed by artifacts how many times?”

Again, in unison, “Too many times.”

“Yeah, and you still take stupid risks like this? Don’t you know what could have happened if it did work and you went back in time? Do I need to go through that again?”

“We know,” Jenna sighed. “I’m sorry, Artie, I only went along with Alexi because I didn’t think it would actually work. I mean, the car’s pushing a hundred and fifty years old and there’s no evidence that it worked when it was new.”

“Oh, and that automatically makes it safe!” Again, they flinched away from his scathing tone. “What if it only worked half-way? What if it scattered your molecules across the entire space-time continuum or left you stuck between the future and the past? What if it exploded, destroying the entire timeline?”

“We didn’t think about that,” Alexi said in a small voice.

Artie laughed humorlessly. “Hah. Haha. Yeah, damn right you didn’t think about that. Now get your asses out of that car and come with me and if you’re lucky…I won’t make you take the long way home.”

Jenna stumbled in shock as she climbed out. “The…long way?” She exchanged an alarmed look with Alexi.

He let the moment stretch, and let it sink in just how much trouble they were in. “That’s right, the long way. It worked. You’re in 2025. Don’t look so shocked. What, they don’t tell age jokes at my expense a hundred and forty years from now?”

“We…thought they were just jokes,” Alexi protested faintly.

“Well, now you know better. Come on,” he gestured for them to follow him. “You’ve got a lot of paperwork to fill out, and I’m going to need to examine the car thoroughly before I decide whether to let you use it to return to your time.”

He could almost hear the horrified looks they were giving each other.

“By the way,” he added when they were several aisles away, “I’m adding a new punishment for unauthorized time travel.”

Nervously, Jenna asked, “What’s the punishment?”

On cue, Claudia stepped out into their path and fell into step with them.

“I’m not going to rescue you from her questions.”

It was somewhat of a surprise to discover that the unquantifiable sense of something being off was the impending arrival of time travelers, but not really a shock. To him, anyway. The four agents flanking him, teslas drawn and ready, were pretty startled to see five men and women in unknown uniforms just…appear in the intersection of three major aisles.

“It’s okay,” their leader assured them, hands up in a gesture of peace. “We’re Warehouse Thirteen agents from the future.”

Artie wasn’t reassured. Without missing a beat, he asked, “What’s the password?”

The woman in charge frowned. “Password?”

Five teslas fired as the four agents followed Artie’s lead; the five intruders collapsed.

“There’s a password?” asked Adam.

“There is now,” Artie answered cheerfully. “Just made it up. Anyone embarking on authorized time travel, make sure you come to me first and I’ll tell you.”

Artie cursed as the ping came up on his screen. All his agents were not only out, but too far away to reach the ping site in time to be any use whatsoever. It was almost a relief to feel the impending arrival of time travelers, there in the office – but he still drew his tesla.

“What’s the password?” he demanded as the man and woman materialized.

Both of them held their hands up unthreateningly. “P-Q-Z-37-Bah Humbug!” the man said almost desperately.

Artie lowered his tesla. “That’s correct. Mission report?”

The woman fished it out and handed it over. He scanned it, smiling crookedly. They’d been briefed and sent back in time to take advantage of the opportunity this ping presented. “Alright, looks good. Do you need anything before you go out?”

Agent Wilson shook her head. “We’ve got everything, Artie.”

He beamed at them. “Alright. You know the rules. Good hunting.”

Agent Sotomayor grinned back. “We’ll be back in time for dinner.”

As he triggered the door for them, he chuckled. There was something to be said for time travel jokes.