East

Hakuryuu navigates a series of tight switchbacks with careful determination, edging down the steep forest slope until the final one suddenly deposits her on a broad, well-maintained road with a bump, and she chirps in surprise. She knows this road - and so, for that matter, do I. The archway we just passed under is a landmark we’re both familiar with, although neither of us had known that it led to a mountain road hidden in the trees, and we weren’t expecting the narrow little path we had been following to connect to this road where it did. It’s hard to gauge distance and travel time, between Hakuryuu’s variable speed and the way the map never seems to show the same scale twice. I’d known that the narrow mountain road would connect us to this broad one, leading us to Chang An, but I’d expected it to take longer to reach and that we would be further away, and it is a shock to realize that we will be in Chang An by nightfall.

 

“Something wrong?” Sanzo asks warily.

 

“Just something unexpected. Hakuryuu knows where we are; we’ll reach Chang An before sunset.”

 

The surprise that ripples through the other three is almost tangible. 

 

“That’s great!” Goku exclaims, immediately waxing eloquent about restaurants and things he would like to eat, but there’s a shadow of uncertainty under his words.

 

Gojyo complains insincerely about needing a shower or bath before he can go out and pick up chicks, but his voice has a note of hesitation in it.

 

“About time,” Sanzo mutters, lighting a cigarette. He turns to watch the road as it slides by, to all appearances unperturbed, but the colors of his chi indicate he is not as relaxed as he wants to be perceived to be. 

 

The usual bickering starts up within a handful of minutes and continues as Hakuryuu proceeds at a good pace. The hours pass, and the closer we get to Chang An, the more that silent tension grows. Two years we’ve been on the road, going West on the seemingly-impossible goal of stopping the Gyumaoh experiments and ending the Minus Wave, and then traveling back East towards a home I’m sure none of us actually expected we’d see again. For two years our lives have been spent moving from place to place, with only brief windows of not being in each others’ company. That our journey would eventually come to an end was understood, but until this moment, it hadn’t truly sunk in - and now, instead of having days to adjust to this idea, we have mere hours. 

 

Sanzo will be reporting to the Sanbutshin, of course, and afterwards he will likely be resuming his sometimes-residence in the Temple of the Setting Sun. It is absolutely unthinkable that Goku would leave his side, so that makes two settling again in Chang An. The logical course of action would be for me and Gojyo to return to Konna Mai, to our little house together, but then what? We lived there, yes, but did we really have lives there? Gojyo was effectively drifting through life, if not through a series of towns and cities, and I...

 

I was trying to adjust to having my entire world turned upside-down and inside-out. To living without Kanan, to no longer being human, to balancing the demands of my sins against the demands of my vows. I was struggling to build a new life from the shards of the one that ended in Hyakugen Maoh’s keep and in the Temple of the Setting Sun. Struggling to figure out who I was, searching for a way to occupy myself as I lived out the penance my sins demanded. Will Gojyo want to return to his carefree life, gambling and indulging himself? If he does, will I be content to do odd jobs for the villagers for the foreseeable future?

 

And if I want more, do I have the right to reach for it? 

 

I need to talk to Gojyo, alone. I need to find out what he wants to do before I can sort out what I will do. But there’s something else I need to do, too. Gonou died in Hyakugan Maoh’s keep, was buried under the cairn I built for Kanan, and Hakkai was born out of blood and pain. Despite this, I did my best to ignore what I had become, and for three years I almost succeeded. The people of Konna Mai had no idea that I was not human, much less what I had done to become so. It took facing a slow death at regenerating divine youkai for me to truly admit to myself that I was not human anymore, and still I kept thinking of myself as a human with youkai chi. Even in Gyumaoh’s keep, tearing the corpse of the youkai lord apart with my talons and trying my best to not think about the rest of my body, I tried to ignore what I was. It took Kougaiji calling me ‘Hakkai Maoh’ for that comfortable denial to begin to wither. 

 

I swore myself to Kanan for the rest of my life, but I must admit to myself that I am no longer the man who made those vows. Gonou is dead, and I need to stop pretending that he’s not. The vows I made as Hakkai cannot be fulfilled if I continue to cling to the dead past. But I can’t just dismiss it, either. I need to lay the past to rest. I need to make my peace with Gonou’s life so I can truly begin living as Hakkai.

 

I need to visit Kanan’s grave. 

 

===

 

The sun is descending as we enter the outskirts of Chang An, painting the sky a heavy gold. Sanzo directs Hakuryuu to stop as we approach an inn of better quality than the ones we’ve been used to. 

 

“I’m not reporting to the Sanbutshin without a bath,” he growls, but there’s a sullen, sulky note under his words. He doesn’t want the trip to end abruptly any more than the rest of us do. 

 

With Hakuryuu on my shoulder, we follow Sanzo into the inn, where he requests two singles and then glances at me. I give him a tiny shake ‘no’ and he adds a double instead of another pair of singles. When we started going back East, Gojyo started casually volunteering me to share a room with him, with increasing frequency when I didn’t protest. Sanzo doesn’t object, either, and not for financial reasons. Having someone else in my room dramatically reduces the chance of me winding up in a corner of his. 

 

Once the keys are in our hands, naturally, Goku raises the subject of dinner. We should eat somewhere really nice, he argues, to celebrate that our journey to save the world and back again is over - but none of us actually want to do that. Although we don’t say it, we’re not psychologically prepared to close this chapter of our lives yet, much less start the next one. It’s a visible relief when I suggest delaying our celebratory dinner for two days.

 

“There’s something I have to do before I can talk about the future,” I say quietly, meeting each of their eyes in turn. “I need to make peace with my past.”

 

Goku blinks at me. “And you can do that in two days?”

 

“It shouldn’t take longer than that. One day there, one day back, and I’ll meet you all for dinner at whatever restaurant you choose.”

 

“But where are you going?” 

 

Gojyo looks away, while Sanzo gives me a solemn nod.

 

“To where it all started,” I say quietly, and Goku’s golden eyes widen before he flinches away from my gaze. 

 

===

 

We wander around the area - one of the nicer districts of Chang An - discussing restaurants and picking up various street foods and take-out containers. Once a restaurant has been chosen and reservations made, we return to the inn and disperse to our rooms. Gojyo and I wind up cross-legged on one bed, various containers spread out between us, nibbling and grazing as our whims take us.

 

“Going back to the ruins,” he says, not quite making it a question. “You want me to come with you?”

 

I shake my head. “I need to visit her cairn. I’ve never done that.”

 

“Makes sense.” He doesn’t look at me, as if giving me privacy - or claiming some for himself. “So. You said you can’t talk about the future yet, but I know you’ve been thinking about it. Wanna let me in on your plans?”

 

“Do you have any plans?” I ask quietly, not looking up from the take-out box I’m currently eating out of.

 

Gojyo snorts. “When do I ever have plans?”

 

A faint smile spreads across my lips because he’s not wrong. “Any hopes, then? Goals? Vague intentions?” 

 

He shrugs. “Go back to the house, I guess. Keep doin’ what I was doin’.” He doesn’t sound very enthused by the idea. “You?”

 

“I was thinking that I should put my skills to good use. Find somewhere that will take me on as a chi-healer. Somewhere a bit closer to Chang An,” I add when he wilts slightly, “and with better access to fresh seafood than Konna Mai.”

 

That gets him perking back up, because we both know he enjoys fresh seafood much more than I do. I have just implied that he is included in my future. 

 

“Maybe find someplace to live with room for two beds,” I tease. “Possibly a closet or three, or at least an actual bedroom. Maybe two bathrooms.”

 

The snort this time is amused. “What, you mean you don’t want to have to piss in the woods because I stunk up the bathroom so bad it makes your eyes water?”

 

“Can you blame me?” I retort dryly.

 

“Nah, I really can’t. So. Someplace big enough for more than one doctor, and on a river.” He stares off, brain already working the angles. “I’ll ask around while you’re doing your thing.”

 

“A river will mean water travel,” I point out. “That means mercantile ships, which means sailors.” 

 

“Sailors do like to gamble,” he says thoughtfully.

 

“And drink, and wench, and brawl.”

 

Gojyo grins at me. “That too. When’re you thinking you’ll head out?”

 

“Whenever I wake up. Probably before dawn. I’ll start on foot and try to get directions,” I say as Hakuryuu looks ready to protest. “I’ll go back to Konna Mai and take the road from there if I have to, but I’m betting there’s a more direct route.”

 

“Yeah, probably.” Gojyo gestures at the assortment of food. “At least you’ll have something to eat on the road.”

 

In other words, he wants me to take leftovers with me to be certain that I actually eat something. I smile in tolerant resignation. “I certainly will.”

 

===

 

 

 

Shining light

( Shining light )