moonshadows

“We want you to lead a new, post-Crisis peacekeeping force.”

“You what?” The words burst out of Gabriel’s mouth before his brain caught up. “No. No, you don’t. Not unless you’re trying to either sabotage your new little organization or get me out of the spotlight, and I gotta tell you, there’s easier ways of doing that.”

A white-haired old guy with glasses frowned. “What do you mean by that, Commander Reyes?”

“I mean that right now? There’s nothing I would rather do than hide on a small tropical island with a good supply of booze and a super-” soldier “-model to share it with.”

“Then what’s stopping you?” asked a woman who looked like in life, she’d been a librarian. Or maybe a nun.

“Can’t,” he said succinctly. “My enhancements prevent me from blowing off steam by doing the dance of the beast with two backs. That’s why I’m such a good wartime commander. Like the Hulk, I’m always angry. That’s why you absolutely do not want me behind a microphone talking to the public. This, right now?” He gestured to himself and the room. “This is me being polite after an okay week. Do you really want to hear me after a shitty one?”

Some wizened old black dude frowned. “I still feel that you would be our best choice.”

“Have you lost your goddamned mind,” Gabriel snapped, “or have you just gone senile? In what possible world is my potty mouth the one you want leading your Jedi Order? If you haven’t noticed, I basically have the word sith tattooed on my forehead. My lightsaber is red. I went to the Dark Side before it had cookies. If you want your peacekeeping force to succeed, stick Morrison in the number-one slot. That man can tell you to go fuck yourself and make it sound like he’s concerned for your health and wellbeing. If you want an excuse to shove me under the rug, listen. You don’t need one. I don’t want to be in the public eye any more than your PR people want me there. I saved the world, you’re welcome, but the only public ass-kissing I’m any good at is the kind where I literally put my lips all over a nice, tight ass. In public.”

The undead librarian gasped.

“This is still me being polite,” he pointed out. “Wartime heroes are peacetime embarrassments. I know my history. Put Morrison in charge and let his perfect Captain America smile blind the masses. If you really want me involved, give me a lesser role that means I don’t have time for interviews. But I promise you, if you try to chain me to a desk and make me do paperwork, I’m gonna draw a big, fat dick on every single sheet.”

The California Raisin scowled. “Thank you for your input, Commander Reyes. You are dismissed.”

Gabriel saluted crisply, turned, and marched out of the room.