Aftermath part 3

[moonshadows]

It was almost four hours later when Anne woke up feeling miserable from crying and dragged herself into the shower. Venom hummed quietly as she washed, clearing up the after-effects of crying and reassuring her wordlessly. She washed, dried, changed into jeans and a short-sleeved shirt, and ventured out to see how Eddie was doing.

He looked up from whatever documentary he was watching with a wary expression. “You okay there, Annie?”

How was she supposed to answer that when she just wanted to fling herself at him and bury her face in his shoulder?

I didn’t fall madly in love with Dan. But they were still in a relationship, one that was mutually supportive and comfortable even if it lacked the passion she shared with Eddie.

I miss you. I still love you. But what good would it do to tell him that when she didn’t have anything to offer past her love?

“Eddie...”

His wary look sharpened into fear.

“It’s partially my fault you suffered the last six months,” she said, uncertain if that was really what she’d intended to say. “I should have told you the money in the shared account was for you to use. I should have told you that I was going to keep paying your phone and your insurance and made sure you knew I was still trying to look out for you even though I couldn’t see or talk to you, and not just assume you’d know that’s what I was doing.”

He looked away, but not at the TV.

She swallowed, forcing her personal and professional pride out of the way. “Will you let me keep doing that?” she asked in a small voice. “I still care about you, Eddie. I want to do what I can for you.” Sometimes, I check your iPhone just to reassure myself that you’re alive.

“Annie...”

He was going to say no. No, he didn’t want her pity or her charity. No, he didn’t want to take her money.

“Please,” she said, blinking back tears. “Please let me do this for you, Eddie.”

He looked at her, hands clenching against his thighs, looked away, and nodded. “Yeah,” he said softly. “Sure. Okay.”

Kisses, Venom said insistently, and engulfed her body.

From behind his eyes she watched as Eddie looked up in shocked surprise that melted into delight as they kissed, teeth scraping carefully against his lips, tongues tangling, the muffled sounds of pleasure that escaped his throat vibrating against Venom’s alien lips. He wrapped his too-long arms around Eddie, hugging him close, and Anne melted into that secondhand hug. Venom murmured something to Eddie, but the words made no sense to her. Not her business, she supposed. She closed her mental eyes and focused on the touch of Eddie’s body against ‘hers’, feeling her stress drain away the way it always did when they hugged.

Dan came in, and Venom reluctantly released Eddie so Dan could check various things. They talked, and this time the words made sense. Eddie was healing, but he needed more fluids. His back looked a lot better. He hurt less. Lunch? Lunch.

Anne found herself in control again at those words, perched on the other end of the couch.

She and Dan made lunch, and set the table, and she and Dan and Eddie sat around the table eating and making smalltalk. Dan saw the report. Networks were calling Eddie, but he wasn’t making a decision until he was off bed rest. Eddie wanted to shower after lunch; Dan offered his toiletries if he didn’t want to use hers. Dan reminded her of the appointment she had with her therapist; Eddie looked like he was swallowing a number of comments as she thanked him and he assured her that he’d be there in case Eddie needed anything.

They finished eating and Anne, accompanied by a highly-curious Venom, kissed Dan on the cheek and Eddie on the temple before she left for her appointment.

You talk to this woman, Venom said slowly as she drove, and she tells you how you are acting is wrong?

It’s a bit more complex than that, Anne replied, smiling at the symbiote’s confusion. Sometimes, it’s hard to see how your actions are hurtful until someone else points it out. And when you’re used to thinking that the way you’re doing things is right, it can be hard to see that it’s wrong. It’s even harder to see that the way you’re thinking is wrong. Jasmine helps me figure out what I’m doing and why I’m doing it and change the thinking that leads to the hurtful actions.

Venom was silent for a minute. But for this to work, the one being talked to must be willing to accept that they are wrong.

That’s correct. That’s why there’s a lot of assholes in the world - they don’t want to think that the way they’re acting might be hurting others, and they don’t listen when someone tries to tell them.

You are looking forward to talking with...Jasmine.

Anne sighed. There was a lot to untangle and sort out even before you escaped and brought Eddie back into my life.

Dan said you both relish chaos for the opportunity to turn it into order.

He wasn’t wrong, but I’ve hurt Eddie so much...I don’t want to turn this chaos into an order that will hurt him more.

She imagined weaving raw wool into a blanket, and then weaving it into twine that got knitted into a net, and then wrapping Eddie in a blanket...compared to wrapping him in netting that cut into his flesh.

You want to bring him back into your life, Venom pointed out quietly.

I do. But I don’t want to hurt him.

You are no longer alone. I will help you as much as I can.

That was an amazingly reassuring declaration, and some of the chaos of her life straightened out immediately. She wasn’t alone; she was part of a team, half of a duo, and she could rely on Venom to rein her in if she was acting on a bad pattern.

Jasmine held up one hand as Anne walked into the office. “Not a word,” she announced. “I saw the report. We don’t have to go over those events. So, Eddie is back in your life.” She leaned forward as Anne settled into her chair, dark eyes piercingly intent. “Tell me what didn’t make it into the report.”

While Venom listened with interest, Anne talked about coming home after dinner to find him on the sidewalk. How she wanted to hold him and not let him go, but at the same time wanted to flee. The sense that Eddie was seeking closure in case he didn’t survive. They dissected Anne’s decisions, her thoughts and feelings, and the conversation she’d had with Dan afterwards. Guiltily, Anne skipped the scene in the restaurant and gave an edited account of riding with Eddie to the hospital. They talked about Anne’s decision to help Eddie at the potential risk of her career, and that led to a discussion of how she’d been defying Drake by secretly providing for Eddie in financial ways.

“And now Drake is dead,” Jasmine said, the beads in her waist-length braids clicking as she leaned back in her chair. “So what’s stopping you from taking him back? Don’t say Dan,” she warned as Anne opened her mouth to do just that. “We both know that man would be okay with you seeing Eddie on the side, and Eddie clearly still has feelings for you. So.” Again, her dark eyes bored into Anne. “What’s stopping you from opening the conversation on bringing him back into your life?”

“I can’t!” Panic made Anne’s throat close and, alarmed, Venom writhed to block that reaction. Anne covered her face and took deep breaths, letting her biological roommate clear out the adrenaline. “I can’t,” she began again, slowly, “because everyone knows I had to separate from Eddie and if I start seeing him again, I’ll be constantly dealing with people thinking I’m cheating on Dan and I’ll have to either explain the details of my personal life to people whose business it isn’t, or put up with them judging me on it, and either way, my professional reputation will be in shambles.”

“Much better,” the other woman murmured approvingly while Anne fought a second wave of panic. “How did they react when you had to separate from Eddie?”

Anne thought back to those rough first days. “No one said a word. At least, not to my face. I think they were afraid to.”

Jasmine nodded. “Mm-hmm. And your professional reputation?”

She had to think about that.

You became more fearsome, Venom rumbled silently as they sifted through memories. See, there? Respect for a worthy foe. You showed no weakness and they saw only ruthlessness.

“I...got a reputation for being ruthless,” she said uncertainly. “I didn’t let any of what I was feeling show. I was crying every night, but no one saw that except Dan.”

“Very good,” Jasmine said warmly. “I’ll let you think about that until next week, but also think about this: you didn’t hesitate to act when Eddie needed you, regardless of what consequences you thought it might have. In your mind, he outweighs your career.”

I didn’t choose my career over you, she said in her memory of that morning.

“Goooooood. You’re thinking about it. Think it over, talk it over with Dan, and come back next week to talk it over with me.”

Anne nodded absently as she stood up and left.

That was enlightening, Venom said once they were back in the car. You are a fearsome protector, yet you see yourself as vulnerable and weak. Why?

Her reflexive denial cut off before it could even start. You didn’t say ‘I see you as’. You said ‘you are’.

To bow before a foe you cannot defeat is not cowardice. But you acted to keep Eddie safe, and as soon as Drake was no more, you came roaring out to fight on his behalf.

The memory of verbally bending Jack over a barrel was presented as evidence.

You are a lion among sheep, Venom insisted, but the mental images weren’t lions or sheep. They were some sort of fierce, furred lizard...thing...that nearly blended in with a herd of more docile furred creatures.

A wolf in sheep’s clothing?

No. You do not pretend to be less than you are in order to fool others. You are simply a predator nearly indistinguishable from the prey that surrounds you, and you should learn to use that to its fullest advantage. A toothy mental smile. I will teach you how.

Almost involuntarily, Anne found herself thinking about all the times she let herself act assertively and how much Eddie seemed to appreciate it - although that, too, was something they’d never talked about.

God, did he like her being bossy like that? Like....really like it?

Well, he seemed pretty into Venom being bossy...

...but there was a world of difference between acting with confidence and just straight-up bossing him around, and she knew she’d done that and that it hadn’t been good for him.

I won’t risk hurting him more, she said firmly, parking the car.

You should give him the choice.

Angrily, she threw memories at Venom. He let me do this, and this, and this. Things I know were wrong and hurtful. He’s damaged, Venom. He doesn’t recognize that those things hurt him. He’d let me do them again without protesting. I’m not going to risk hurting him like that again! When I’m sure I won’t fall back into those patterns, then I’ll have that conversation with him and let him decide. But I can’t trust that the decision he makes now will be fully informed, so yes, I’m making it for him. For now.

Venom gave her that toothy mental smile again. See how fiercely you protect him from yourself?

She had nothing to say to that.

Eddie had showered, taken a painkiller, and was napping when Anne got back with a quietly-smug Venom. Dan gave her a kiss on the cheek and asked how it went, and nodded when she answered that they’d talked about Eddie.

“Venom was very interested in the process,” she added, “and he...stopped a panic reaction.”

Venom manifested a face. “You are my host. If you suffer, I suffer. If I can help you, then I will.”

Dan looked at him intently. “You were able to stop- how did you do it?”

“He doesn’t know,” Anne said. “He doesn’t have the words to describe it.”

“But you were able to learn- that’s fascinating.”

“It helps that your species is far from the first that I have learned the workings of.”

“Imagine what you could teach us about our own bodies,” murmured Dan.

Anne grinned. “If he knew the terminology, of course. I’m not studying biology for this. You can manifest a face, you can study biology yourself.”

Venom looked at her. “Can I?”

The implication was unvoiced - that Anne would make room in her life for this.

She shrugged. “Sure. We get you a tablet with a stand, you can watch videos or read ebooks while I’m working. How compatible is Dan?”

“Yeah,” he chimed in, hesitantly hopeful. “How compatible am I?”

Venom’s face melted back into a tendril that he extended slowly towards Dan, waiting for permission or an invitation. When Dan held out one hand, he flowed from Anne’s body to his, and she tried not to laugh at the disconcerted look on Dan’s face as he saw the symbiote enter his body but couldn’t feel it.

Being able to feel Venom inside her must be a side effect of the bonding process, she thought. Either that or she now had a frame of reference and a name for the sensation that otherwise would have been dismissed for being so foreign. After all, she hadn’t felt anything when Venom first took her as a host.

To her surprise, she felt...disappointed when Venom was entirely in Dan. Like a beach ball one breath from being full, or like she had been wrapped in an electric blanket and it had just been turned off. There was a subtle but palpable sense of loss, of emptiness, and she found herself hoping that Dan wasn’t compatible - one less rival for the position of Venom’s host.

“Just barely,” Venom said from a freestanding face. “We will be able to manage internal communication, but nothing further. There is no chance of a permanent bond developing, and I would estimate that I could use Dan as a host for up to one full day before I would need to seek another host and feed.”

“Do we need to...” Dan trailed off. “What needs to happen for that internal communication?”

“An hour or two of me using you as my host. Nothing more. You will need to tell me if you are uncomfortable; I will not be able to share your feelings or memories.”

Dan looked slightly freaked out. “Fair enough. But once that’s done, we can have long conversations without bothering Anne with medical jargon?”

“Correct.” Venom sounded pleased. “And you might be surprised how much jargon I have heard from Skirth and her subordinates in the lab. But for now, I will return to my host.”

Venom transferred back with wordless reassurance for Anne’s feeling of mild denial, and Dan looked a bit shaken for his experience but not frightened.

You see why it would be bad for me to bond fully to Eddie.

God, yes. What needs to happen to prevent that?

I cannot be in his body for longer than three hours at a time. Two is better. And... He trailed off oddly, as if unwilling to admit to whatever he was avoiding.

And what?

...and if I am also blended with you at the time, our bond will keep the bond with Eddie from developing further.

That had all kinds of implications. Anne steadfastly ignored them. But of course Eddie would have to be comfortable with being blended with me first.

Correct. But that is not our top priority yet, not while he is still injured.

“Right,” Anne announced out loud. “We need to figure out a plentiful source of live food.”

The three of them migrated to the kitchen and sat around the table, discussing every potential source of live food in the city. Anne vetoed eating people except as a last resort; too many potential legal issues. Venom agreed, reluctantly. They discussed animals - insects, fish, shellfish, and all sorts of mammals from wild pigeons and the rats from nasty restaurants to ethnic butchers to shelter pets about to be euthanized.

That’s when Dan blurted out, “Animal hoarders!”

They fell silent, turning the idea over in their heads. The animals were suffering and would more than likely be put down anyway if the hoarder was discovered. The hoarder might not even miss a dozen animals vanishing in the middle of the night. Even if they did, what would they do? What could they do? Reporting it to the police would only cause them to lose the rest of their animals.

“Promising,” Anne announced. “I want to do some checking first, and we’d need to find one, but it’s a promising idea.”

“In the meantime,” Dan said, standing to stretch, “I’m going to get a cheap cooler and see what’s still alive at the fish market.”

Anne rubbed her temples. “Shit. Forgot all about that. Thanks, honey.”

Dan kissed her temple. “You’ve had a lot on your mind. Will you be okay until I get back?”

“Yeah. I’ll just...Jasmine gave me a lot to think about.”

“Okay. Venom?”

The freestanding face blinked. “Are you inviting me to go with you?”

“If you want.” Dan shrugged. “Also asking if you’ll be okay staying with Anne and Eddie. Just being polite. I don’t want you to feel like I’m ignoring you just because you’re part? Partnered? Because you’re not always visible on your own.”

The symbiote curdled, making Anne smile. “He’s not used to being treated as an equal.”

“Get used to it,” Dan mock-threatened, trying to be stern and failing. “Anyway, I’m going shopping for your dinner, so if you want to come along and give your input, you’re more than welcome to join me.”

“Next time.” Venom sounded almost reluctant.

Dan nodded. “Alright. Call or text if you need me.”

Once he was gone, Anne curled up on the other end of the couch with Eddie’s feet in her lap and settled in for some serious contemplation.

She was a fierce protector, fiercer and more protective than she’d thought or realized that she was, but she saw herself as vulnerable and weak. First things first; she had to incorporate this information into her self-image because there was literally no point in doing her opponents’ dirty work for them. So. She was a fearsome protector. With a reputation for ruthlessness, apparently, because she bottled her pain up and hid it from the world.

That, Venom interrupted gently. Why do you do that?

That was obvious, she thought, kneading Eddie’s feet absently. She was a lawyer. No one would respect an emotional woman as a competent professional. So she bottled everything up and only let it out in private.

But you don’t. You keep it bottled until you cannot hold it any more.

Together, they reviewed her memories. Not just the last six months, but the years she and Eddie had been together, and Venom was right - she didn’t let it out in private. She just stayed wound up and stressed out and Eddie, poor sweet confused Eddie, worried and walked on eggshells until the dam broke and she cried herself out on him.

Oh no, he probably was worried it was something he’d done, she wailed silently. I was taking it out on him and he thought it was his fault and- see? THIS is why I’m protecting him from myself, she snarled, furious at herself. He sees me upset and just assumes it’s something he’s done or that it’s his fault somehow. He’s been blamed for shit, abused by someone in power over him. He won’t protest if something I do hurts him. I have to protect him because he won’t protect himself, not from me.

Venom moved pensively inside her, unhappy. You are correct. He does not see his own worth and is too quick to assign fault to himself. When he realized your feelings for him were still strong, he felt dismay and assumed they would be the cause of strife between you and Dan.

Baby, no! She paused in her absent-minded massaging and threw Eddie a dismayed look; he shifted in his sleep, eyelids fluttering half open, but smiled when he saw her and relaxed into sleep again. You see? Anne asked softly. It’s not as easy as ‘just take him back’ or ‘claim both of them’.

Venom rumbled unhappily. Indeed. There are many emotional issues to untangle. Fortunately, you are my host and he will not avoid you because it would mean avoiding me, as well.

And you can take over anytime to distract or reassure him.

You noticed, Venom said guiltily.

We’re partners. I trust you to step in if I’m doing more harm than good.

You are a very good host,  he replied in a very small voice. I could almost forgive Drake his torture, knowing that it led me to a host who accepts me and has a mate who accepts me...and Eddie. Who loves me.

It made her smile, seeing how humbled and hopeful that all made him. We’re all kind of damaged, she said, once more kneading Eddie’s feet. What’s important is we communicate with each other and build something that works for us, even if it’s not something that’s normal for other people.

Venom picked up on the direction of her thoughts. Your relationship with Dan was crafted to fit your collective needs instead of being born of passion, the way your culture expects relationships to be.

Yeah. I needed emotional support; he needed someone to support. But it worked really, really well...

Mostly.

Mostly. Honestly, I think he’d be perfectly happy if we never did more than just light kissing.

But you desire more.

She didn’t have to answer that.

Your relationship with Dan is outwardly everything suitable for your image, where you were...ashamed of Eddie?

The accusation stung, mainly because it was true and she wasn’t happy with herself for it.

Eddie’s a treasure, she insisted stoutly. He has a heart of gold. That’s more important than appearances. The prettiest ass in the world is still full of shit. She hesitated. But...he doesn’t fit the image of Successful Lady Lawyer’s Boyfriend. And yes, she added before he could say anything, Dan does. But that’s not why-

Silently, skeptically, Venom invited her to continue.

-that’s not the entire reason, and you know it.

And taking Eddie back, even while keeping Dan-

ESPECIALLY while keeping Dan.

-would, you fear, harm your image and your career would suffer.

Anne sighed. That’s about it, yeah.

Fortunately, Dan came back with half a dozen live eels in a cheap cooler. Venom left her to her brooding thoughts in favor of merging with Dan so he could observe the feeding process. The commotion woke Eddie, though, and he shuffled stiff and groaning to the bathroom. Anne stayed at the end of the couch, curled up pensively and gnawing at the idea of what she would even say to anyone who commented on her reinvolvement with Eddie. When Eddie shuffled back out and plopped down next to her, it took her by surprise - especially when he curled up and leaned against her. Surprised as she was, she wasted no time adjusting to make them both more comfortable, and then Dan was there draping the blanket over them both. She smiled thanks at him and got a light kiss in return, and then it was just her and the bliss of a blanketed cuddle tangle with a sleepy Eddie.