Mother-daughter talk

[moonshadows]

“Tiane?”

She looks up at me, Dad’s cheeks and nose and hair that could have been her father’s and Mother Moon, this is my daughter. “Yes, Mama Doe?”

I hold out one hand. “Come with me for a bit, there’s something I have to tell you.”

She stands and takes it, not asking questions as another twelve-year-old might have. Already, she’s being groomed to lead our people. I lead her to the upper branches of the living tree that makes up part of the house and together, we sit. Again she asks no questions, waiting respectfully, and I am reminded of Nozdormu’s words: Well, I will say this for your mother: she raises intelligent and respectful children. When she gets a chance to raise them at all.

“Your grandfather,” I say slowly, “was born two-who-share-a-destiny.”

After spending time in human lands, I am conscious of the meaning of the word. Humans don’t share our views of destiny; to them, twins are merely two children born at the same time. Sometimes they are identical, and sometimes they are not. But to Kal’dorei, the only multiple births are identical because the two born are not unique people with unique destinies – and two who share a destiny are always born together. This has made it impossible for my brother-buck and I to express to others what we are; to our own people, we cannot be twins because we are different genders. But other races, who accept non-identical twins, don’t understand the aspect of our shared destiny.

Tiane’s eyebrows draw together in concern, just like her grandmother’s. “What happened to the other one?”

I take a deep breath. “During the War of the Ancients, your grandmother was kidnapped and taken to Zin-Azshari.” The quiet horror on her face reassures me that she’s been taught the history of our people. “Your grandfather’s twin, who was born with golden eyes, went to rescue her.”

Now she looks sad. “And he died?”

A logical conclusion; one that explains why Malfurion now has golden eyes. But it reminds us of the day I asked a question half-asleep and was given the same explanation in answer – and called my father on his lie.

“No,” I say gently. “Worse. In order to save the woman he loved – the woman they both loved – he gave up his eyes.”

Tiane’s eyes go very wide. “He gave up his destiny?”

“He did, and he was able to save her, and together the three of them were instrumental in saving our world.” I take a deep breath, feeling Illidan’s reassurance in the back of my mind. “But between that and some other unsavory things he had to do to accomplish that, he went crazy.”

“Well, of course he would,” she says matter-of-factly. Then she falters, remembering that Malfurion still has no twin. “What…what happened to him?”

“He was locked away, guarded and forgotten.”

Her distress deepens. “That’s terrible! He gave everything, and he was forgotten?”

I lean forward and take her hands gently. “Tiane, listen to me. He was crazy, dangerous.”

Grimly he says, Tell her.

“He was a fel addict.”

She draws a sharp breath, face etched with horror, and then her eyes fill with tears. “Mama Doe, please tell me he got better. Please?”

She’s your daughter, he says dryly.

“He got better,” I reassure her with an amused smile. “Elune would hardly forget one of Her precious children. When I was just a few years older than you, She made sure that I found his sleeping mind while entering the Emerald Dream by myself for the first time.”

Tiane stiffens suddenly, hands going slack in mine before tightening desperately. “Uncle Illidan isn’t actually my uncle, is he?” she asks slowly.

“Those aren’t actually his eyes,” I confirm. “He replaced them with enchanted crystal. Before Malygos gave his blessing to Nordrassil – and, by extension, to our people – they were black.”

“That’s why he can change into a nightsaber, or a stag, or an owl.” It’s not a question. “He’s sharing your destiny, and you’re a druid. That’s why you call him brother-buck, because our people have no word for twins who aren’t the same gender. That’s why no one can figure out what you are to each other.” She tilts her head to one side, all the mature urgency draining out of her. “Does Grandstag know?”

“Stars, that would be an awkward conversation, wouldn’t it?” Illidan says with my voice.

“No more awkward than a certain other conversation we had with him,” I counter. “Although given how long he’d been sitting on that, I wouldn’t be surprised if he knows.”

Tiane looks at me curiously. “What other conversation?”

“He thought we were lovers,” I say casually.

Her expression goes from confusion to disdain to childish disgust to thoughtful. “I guess it would be hard for him to think of Uncle Illidan as not being his twin, and the idea of a woman and her father’s brother being lovers…” She shakes her head. “But you’re two-who-share-a-destiny. You can’t think that way about each other because one can’t think that way about one’s self. Even if something you do together would be wrong for another woman and man, it’s not wrong for you because you’re two-who-share-a-destiny even if you weren’t born that way.” She scrunches her face up, nose wrinkling. “I have the weirdest family ever.”

I lean forward and hug her. “Sorry, little fawn. At least we can’t get much weirder?”

She grins. “Well…Kirian could decide he wants to be my sister. Or he could fall in love with a tauren.”

“And your father?” I grin back.

Her face scrunches up again. “He could…I can’t think of anything, Mama Doe.”

“He could have been a she,” I hold up fingers as I tick off possibilities. “He could be related to your mother. He could be a dragon in disguise.” I grin wider as Tiane giggles, but then she sobers again.

“Grandma loves him, doesn’t she?” Uncomfortable with the awkward subject, her eyes drop to her fingers, which lace together. “Uncle Illidan, I mean. Because he was Grandstag’s twin.”

“She does,” I say firmly over his silent protest, “and he loves her.”

She is quiet for a long minute, eyes still fixed on her hands. Finally, she says, “I’m not sure it was fair to anyone. For Uncle Illidan to have to watch Grandma and Grandstag and know that could have been him, for Grandma to have her heart torn because she fell in love with two-who-share-a-destiny, for Grandstag to know he has everything only because his twin gave it up.” She looks up at me, eyes sad. “For you to be in the middle of everything. I know everyone’s happy now, but I don’t think…if you’d known, ten thousand years ago, where your choices and destinies would lead, would you have still done it? Would you have been happy, knowing how things would turn out?”

Illidan struggles briefly, and I let him speak through me.

“I knew exactly what I was doing when I gave up my eyes,” he says sadly. “I was…Mother Moon, I was glad that I had a twin to take over for me. I knew Tyrande and Furion would be happy together, because her heart was a part of the destiny I was giving up, and that gave me the strength to do it. I didn’t know that Elune would grant me another twin, but if I had known what lay in store for me…” He takes a deep breath, my spine straightening. “It would have given me comfort and hope. Perhaps I would not have done anything differently, but I would have walked the path I did knowing that my sister-doe would be there waiting for me when I needed her.”

“Mama Doe?”

“Being Illidan’s twin is my destiny,” I tell her lightly. “I don’t think I could possibly have been put on my path any sooner than I was, but I have never regretted finding him. Knowing things ahead of time might have smoothed over some of the rough patches, and maybe if Dad had known what lay in store, he would have done some things differently, but I’m not convinced Mom didn’t know.”

Again, Tiane is silent for a long minute.

“That’s what being a leader is all about, isn’t it?” Her eyes are still sad, and her voice is quiet. “Knowing that maybe what you’re doing isn’t fair to anyone, but it’s still the best thing that can be done.”

“It wasn’t fair to your parents, either,” I say gently. “But if you asked them, I’m sure they would say you and Kirian were worth the wait.”

“Was it fair to you?” she asked. “I know…I know you made the choice beforehand, but…”

“Tiane…” Gently, I lift her chin to meet her eyes. “I made the choice, but you didn’t get a chance to. I worry more that it wasn’t fair to you and your brother.”

“But we get extra parents out of it,” she protests. “We like things the way they are.”

“And what if you didn’t?”

She thinks about that, teeth worrying at her lip. “That’s what being a leader is all about,” she says again. “You would be a good leader, Mama Doe.”

“Maybe,” I say, ruffling her hair. “”I think I spend too much time running errands for Elune and Cenarius for that.”

“You would,” she insists. “You’re good at making the hard choices. If…” She falters, looking down again. “If you ever want to have another child, Mama Doe, don’t do it with Father. It wouldn’t be fair to you. A mother is the leader of a family, and I know you’d be a good one. Kirian and I are happy with all of our parents, but it’s not fair to you that you gave us life and then gave us up. So if you ever decide to have another child, remember that sometimes, the best choice is the one you want. Promise me you’ll remember?”

My mouth, I realize, is hanging open and my cheeks are wet. This isn’t just my daughter being unusually wise for her age; this is Elune giving me a message. I pull her into my arms and hug her tightly.

“I promise.”