Sapphire

Nov. 3rd, 2012 04:08 pm
moonshadows: (Warcraft)
[personal profile] moonshadows

“How’s my baby sister this evening?” Farthius, the youngest of my brothers, asked with a grin.

I looked up from my breakfast and returned the smile. “Hey, Farthi. Father thinks I’m ready for my first transformation; we’re going to test it out around midnight.”

“I bet it’ll feel good to have your clothes fit right,” he said, helping himself to buttered cakes and ham.

Like the rest of the family, he maintained the fiction that I was really Sapphire, just…changed. Luckily, I was still skinny from years of not having enough to eat and hadn’t bulked out to being a man yet, but wearing dresses had still taken some getting used to…and still didn’t feel entirely right.

“It’ll be new, that’s for sure.”

“Don’t be afraid, Saph,” he said, hearing the note of tension in my voice. “You’re better at magic than me and the other two combined; the spell will go off right.”

“And then what?” I asked quietly. Now that it was approaching, the loss of my manhood was a nagging worry.

“Well, Father isn’t in any hurry to marry you off,” Farthi teased. “Precious jewel like you is too valuable to the family.”

I found a wry grin somewhere and put it on. “In any case, don’t expect me to sneak off into the corner with a young man anytime soon.” Of course, the reminder that I’d be ‘introduced to society’ was another thing to worry about.

“I know, Saph. If you’re in a corner, it will be with a book.”

…he knew me too well.

“I’m off,” he said, stuffing the last of his breakfast into his mouth. “Can’t wait to see you looking like a proper girl this morning. Be amazing, baby sister.”

I grimaced. “I’ll try.”

“No, you will.” He leaned over to give me a hug on his way out.

For a handful of minutes I sat there, marveling that I could be welcomed so heartily into a family that wasn’t my own, wishing Furion were here to see me, dreading what he’d say. That I was ‘too good’ for this, most likely. That I was being forced into a role that didn’t fit me, that it was an insult to the blessing I’d had the fortune to be born with.

“I will never be an oak,” I whispered.

“What did you say, my jewel?”

“Mother!” Even thoughts of the twin who’d disowned me couldn’t keep the joy out of my voice or off of my face as I leaped up to hug Martisia good evening. “Just some advice I heard once. ‘An aspen can never be an oak.’ It means one should be true to one’s nature and not strive to be something else.”

She frowned. “Sapphire…”

“Father says I’m ready for my first transformation,” I hurried on, and the frown cleared.

“You are? That’s wonderful! I can’t wait to see my jewel sparkle again.”

Was I trying to be an oak? Would I really give up my identity to remain in this family, learning the mysteries of the arcane? Which was the bigger lie, becoming a girl or becoming a druid? I’d given it a lot of thought, late in the day while trying to sleep, and every time I’d come to the conclusion that it was better to be a girl learning the arcane with the support of her family than to be a boy learning nature at the urging of his twin.

“I can’t wait to sparkle,” I said softly.

Martisia beamed and hugged me again.

Let Furion keep his nature magic and his ideas of what was good for me. I had food, and a family, and I was happy – even without him. That was three things more than I had with him.

 

“Illidan?” Dath’Remar called softly, his voice calling me back from the geometric landscape of the magic I’d just performed.

It was odd to hear my name – my real name – after weeks and months of being Sapphire. Not that I hadn’t heard it from my surrogate father almost daily, but now it felt…wrong. I kept my eyes closed, focusing on my breathing, the air flowing in and out, the blood rushing through my veins. Learning, blindly, without motion, the shape of my body. I made my breaths deeper, pulling my mind slowly back into the world. Clenched my hands, felt the subtle difference. Curled and flexed my toes. Shifted my legs, then my arms. Finally, when I was sure if what I would see, I opened my eyes.

That it had worked was undeniable. I had small breasts, and when my thighs pressed together I knew that what was between them was different, too. I had done it, I was a girl.

“Sapphire?”

“Father.”

My voice was different, but not. Close to what it had been as a child, but richer, more vibrant. It should have felt alien to not be male, but all it felt was…new. Dath’Remar held a mirror up, and through the thick fog of newness I looked at myself. We’d spent hours going over paintings of his family, and Martisia’s, and the few paintings that existed of the girl whose identity I’d supplanted, but actually seeing the results shaped in my own flesh was something else entirely. I was Sapphire, and yet…I wasn’t. Her name didn’t fit the girl I’d become, any more than my male name did, and her face looked strange with my eyes.

Apparently, Dath’Remar agreed. “No,” he said slowly. “You’re not Sapphire. You are a daughter of this family, but you are yourself. We’re not done yet.”

I swallowed. “What should I do?”

“We’ll keep up your lessons and let word get around that you’re starting to recover, but there’s something off about you and we can’t let anyone get too close until we fix it. A few brief appearances, from a distance, to prove that you live. And in the meantime…” Grimly, he put the mirror aside. “Go back to that spell and re-work it. Don’t use outside sources. Work it into how you feel. Make it reflect you. We’ll need something to explain your transformation, something that would remove any disbelief about a sickly girl finally returning to health after everything else failed to work.”

“Cenarius,” I blurted.

Dath’remar frowned. “The demigod of the forest? He’s a myth.”

I shook my head carefully. “He’s not. I’ve spoken with him. He told me to come to Zin-Azshari, to follow my roots and learn arcane magic.”

“That raises more problems than it solves,” he said dryly. “How do we go about ‘discovering’ that he’s not a myth so that we can travel there and have him ‘heal’ you?”

“Ask the Temple. There’s a novice priestess in Suramar who knows there’s a boy that found Cenarius’s grove. If you say you’re desperate and you heard a rumor, word should spread and get back to you.”

“And then we can hire this boy – he does exist, right? Good. Hire this boy to lead us to Cenarius’s grove where…what? We can’t exactly ask him to heal you.”

“He’ll remember me.” I was sure of that. “We’ll ask him to keep our secret.”

My surrogate father nodded slowly. “First, the public appearances. I think you should wear a yellow veil to disguise the color of your eyes. I’ll start asking around about the demigod, and you…”

“I’ll start working on the spell.”

He reached out and ruffled my hair lightly. “Good girl. You think you can walk?”

Walking. I hadn’t thought about it. Gingerly, I sat up in my nest of pillows. “I can try.”

“Then let’s go see your mother and your brothers.”

I smiled, but a dark corner of my heart whispered that to see my brother would only bring pain. Was I trying to be a falcon? Striving to be an eagle? All I knew was that I was a chick newly-hatched, damp from the egg and unfledged, and it remained to be seen what I would grow into. Unsteady on my new legs, I wobbled after Dath’Remar and felt the dizzying freedom of phantom wings.

 

“So what’s it like?” Farthi asked me, sitting on the edge of the divan set up in the garden for his ‘sickly’ sister. “Being a girl again, I mean.”

I laughed and closed my book, one slender finger marking my page. “Well, for one, my clothes fit better.”

It was true, and not just that my hips and waist and bust now matched the shape of the cloth. Only two weeks after shedding my manhood, I was comfortable in them in a way that had more to do with confidence than drape and cut.

“Do you ever take it off?” my brother asked in a low voice, and I knew he was talking about the spell.

“Sometimes,” I answered in a murmur. “Father wants me to adjust it until it fits better, and that means taking it off to feel…myself.”

Farthi toyed with a fallen branch for a minute, plucking leaves and peeling off twigs until he had a wand with a single leaf on the end of it. “Why’d you agree to it, Saph? You gave up everything to fill the hole in our family.”

It was the first time we’d talked about my reason for being there. The other two, being older, had responsibilities to tend to, but Farthi was just a year or two older than me, and Sapphire’s death had hit him harder.

“I lost my parents a few years ago. Life as a lowborn orphan isn’t so grand as you might expect,” I added dryly, eliciting a chuckle. “Here, I am loved and valued and supported. I never have to worry about what my next meal will be, or if I’ll be able to keep warm come the winter. I have security.”

“Is it worth giving up your identity? I don’t even know your other name, Saph.”

“A name is just a label.” I shrugged. “It doesn’t change who I am inside, any more than you could put on acolyte’s robes and become a priestess.”

He toyed with the branch, tracing the lines of my face with the leaf. “It’s not right,” he said finally. “You should have a name of your own.” Guiltily, he glanced at me and looked away. “The birth was so hard…Mother was afraid that she wouldn’t have a chance to name the baby before it died, so she went with the first thing that came to mind. I always thought that being named after a gem was a cop out.”

“I’ll bring it up to Father,” I promised.

The idea did have a certain appeal. I wasn’t exactly Illidan Stormrage anymore, but I wasn’t quite Sapphire, either.

“So are you excited about your first public appearance?”

“It’s going to be two minutes on a palanquin,” I protested. “My entire responsibility is going to be to lie there and look weak. Preferably sweaty and pale, if I can manage it, and perhaps some trembling.”

“Which you’ll pull off, because you’re you. What have you got planned?” He grinned. “Come on, Saph, you can tell me.”

I grinned back. “I’m going to heft heavy books over my head and hold my breath before my entrance. That way, my hands will be pale and my arms will shake and my bosom will heave prettily.”

“I don’t know, baby sister. You still look pretty healthy.”

“That’s why mother is dressing me in gold.”

“Gold? With your coloration?” He cringed. “You’ll look sick – oh. Ohhhh. I get it. That should work. Have you worked out how you’ll turn down marriage proposals?”

“What!?”

Farthi picked my book up and handed it back to me, laughing. “Didn’t think there’d be any, hmm?”

I found myself blushing furiously. “I can’t – I’m not – I mean, I couldn’t possibly…”

“You’re doing great so far, now give a reason.”

“I…it’s too great an honor,” I said faintly. “I-I’m still sick and weak, I couldn’t possibly make a promise when I might not live to keep it.”

“Good, good. Practice that, see if you can make it breathy, maybe quaver a little.”

“What about you? Are there going to be girls angling for you to ask for their hand?”

He shrugged. “Maybe. Aloris is the one who’s got to watch out, though. I’ll probably get a few more years to goof off until they’re both married.”

Would I have to marry, I wondered? Would the lie trap me that deeply?

“Farthi?”

“Hmm?”

“Thank you for being such a good brother.”

He may not have inherited his father’s skill with magic, but Farthius wasn’t slow on the uptake. For several breaths he searched my face, expression grim. “I’m not going to ask, Saph,” he said firmly. “That’s something that goes with your other name. I’m assuming there’s a guy out there who doesn’t deserve you in his life, and I am more than happy to be your loving brother who supports and admires your mastery over the mysteries of the arcane. Seriously,” he continued in a lighter tone, “you’re amazing. I doubt many outside of the Elite Circle would be able to pull off the magic you do as easily as breathing.” Meaning, of course, the shape I was wearing now. “Father was so disappointed when none of us had the talent. It’s a relief to everyone that you do.”

Memories boiled up suddenly, all the times Malfurion had insisted that I was ‘better’ than being a ‘mere mage’. “You don’t think there’s something else I should do?” I asked quietly. “Something…greater?”

“What, because of your eyes?” Farthi reached out and ruffled my hair, then tucked his leaf-wand behind my ear like a flower. “Saph, if arcane magic is good enough for Queen Azshara, then it should be good enough for anyone.”

I will never be an oak.

“Thanks, Farthi.” I took his hands in mine and squeezed. “There’s a guy out there who thinks my eyes mean I’m destined to walk in the sun and work with the magic of plants and growing things.”

My youngest brother looked offended at the thought. “I’m not saying that nature magic is worthless,” he said stiffly, “but, baby sister…anyone who can’t see that’s not the path for you…well, I won’t say any more without meeting him, but I don’t think very highly of him right now.” He tilted his head, weighing me with his eyes. “Have you tried sun-colored hair? I mean – just because he’s a blind idiot doesn’t mean he can’t accidentally have a good idea. Maybe you should go with a sun theme to match your eyes.”

“I’ll think about it,” I promised.

He leaned over to kiss me on the cheek. “Best sister I could ever ask for,” he murmured.

“Farthi?”

“Hmm?”

“What was she like?”

Halfway through the act of standing up, he sat back down. “Angry,” he said with quiet sadness. “She was angry about everything. Angry that she was so weak, angry that I wasn’t, angry with Mother for fussing over her, angry with Father for not. I wanted to cheer her up – to make her happy. She didn’t want to be happy. When she finally…went…” he looked away, blinking. “I’m glad you’re here,” he said after a moment. “I’m glad you’re happy, and that you let me be a good brother to you. Part of me hopes that other guy realizes how much he’s missing, but the rest of me is greedy to keep my baby sister and not share you with him.”

No wonder he thought I should have a name of my own.

“She didn’t deserve you,” I said softly.

“I guess you needed us as much as we needed you, huh?”

With as much solemnity as I could muster, I reached out and honked his nose. Farthi laughed and hugged me before standing up.

“Cook’s got some little berry pies baking.” He grinned. “I’m going to go see if I can nick one or two. You hungry?”

I grinned back. “I won’t say no if you’re offering.”

“That’s my baby sister.” He ruffled my hair again and strolled off, laughing.

 

‘Two minutes on a palanquin’ turned out to be rougher than I’d thought it would be. The party was being held in the garden, allowing me to drift through and back out like a boat on a social ocean, but that one lap of the garden seemed to take forever. Nearly a decade out of sight had caused all kinds of rumors about Sapphire to spring up, and absolutely everyone there wanted to see me, to touch me, and prove to themselves that I was alive. Terror at being among the cream of the Highborne, and the risk of being exposed as a fraud, kept me pale and sweaty and I’d abused my arms with books enough that I could barely lift them. It was a relief to be carried back to my bedroom and laid in my bed with a selection of dainties to nibble weakly on. Farthi stole a few minutes to report that Mother and Father were beyond pleased at my performance, and that Father was already deflecting a few marriage proposals.

After that party, Father decided that I should make one appearance at someone else’s garden party before he could announce that we were seeking the demigod of the forest to heal me; his inquiries through the Temple had borne fruit. Tyrande had come forward, as I knew she would, to proudly announce that Malfurion Stormrage had discovered the demigod’s grove. I had a month to perfect my female body before my ‘healing’. When I approached the subject of a new name, it turned out that Father had already thought of it. ‘A new name to celebrate your rebirth’, he’d said, ruffling my hair. I just had to pass it through him.

My nights were spent reading tomes of spellwork; my days were spent deep in the structure of the spell that altered my body, making changes that felt right. I didn’t even open my eyes half the time, just felt the changes without the distraction of vision. The spellwork was intense enough that when it came time for my second appearance, I didn’t have to fake looking exhausted and ill. Even my older two brothers, who I barely saw between their duties and my studies, were concerned for me. I was down to five days before the journey to Suramar before I cast the altered spell and knew that this time, it was me. This was who I was, as much as my male body. When I opened my eyes and looked in the full-length mirror, they shone from my face like the moons in the sky at dawn. My skin had lightened to a shade paler than Dath’Remar’s, and my hair was a waterfall of silver-gold glory that fell to my hips and framed a face that was mine, but female. It was perhaps a bit strong, my cheeks too broad to be truly delicate, my chin a hair too round and my nose too blunt, but my ears swept proudly back and it was me.

It was several minutes before I bothered to even glance at the rest of my body, so enthralled was I with my new face. Sapphire’s bust had been discreet at best; barely enough to cover with both hands. While not as lush as some, my breasts now were firm and round and I would need support for them if I intended to move faster than a walk. Sapphire had been as starved as Illidan; my abdomen was clearly-defined, my hips swelling gently like the bud of a flower. I turned a slow circle, peering over my shoulder, and was satisfied that everything seemed to be in order. When I took the spell back off and stood before the mirror as Illidan, it felt just as natural as my new body had, and I laughed. Imagine, that the female form I’d created could become the standard of comfort and I was now measuring my male shape against it! But that’s what had happened, and I knew that I wasn’t striving to be an oak or birch; I had followed my roots and put forth a new stem. I was an aspen, and I was following the path that I had always been meant to walk.

Donning Sapphire’s form felt as awkward as the first time I’d worn her clothing, and as I lay in bed waiting for the shimmering song of my new body to fade and let me sleep, I thought about what name would feel as natural as my own skin.

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