It's not a party without cake

[moonshadows]

“Hey, Jack?”

The grizzled older man didn’t even look away from his screen. “What is it, Adam?”

Adam Maddox, the newest agent of Warehouse 13, rubbed one hand nervously against his arm. “I think I’m going crazy.”

“I told you to stop playing with the artifacts.”

“I wasn’t!” the younger man protested. “I was just down in the Woodmont sector thinking that yeah, maybe I could devote my life to this place and…”

Jack turned around slowly. “And what?”

“And…” Adam avoided his superior’s eyes. “…and suddenly Lily, the mute who shelves the artifacts? She was right there and she called me a ‘good artifact’ and patted me on the head. Then she was gone.”

“Lily called you a good artifact?”

Adam winced. “I am crazy, aren’t I?”

“You work here, what do you think? No, you weren’t imagining it. Would you describe her voice as jazz and bourbon?”

“And slinky dresses.”

From the door, Jenny asked, “What did I walk in on?”

“Lily called your partner a good artifact.”

The petite woman’s face split into a broad grin. “Adam, that’s great!”

“I-it is?”

“We have to wait for the others to get back,” she said insistently to Jack.

“Well, of course. We’re not going to have a Good Artifact party without everyone there!”

Jenny’s eyes widened. “Do you think Miss Donovan knows?”

“Knows what?” Adam asked, irritated at being left out of the loop.

“She’s the Caretaker,” Jack snapped. “She’s probably baking the cake right now. Lily!”

No response. The two agents eyed their boss warily.

Jack sighed and rubbed his temples. “Lily,” he said in a more gentle tone, almost wheedling. “My darling. Light of my life. The rock upon which I stand. Might I have the pleasure of your company for a few moments?”

Jenny failed to hide a smile. “Trouble with the missus?” she asked, eyes dancing.

“That’s enough out of you,” he growled back.

The pole that rose out of the floor had a remarkably antique holographic projection camera mounted on the top. Sure enough, the figure it projected was the bronze-skinned beauty often seen at random in the Warehouse’s miles of shelves.

“You never take me anywhere, Jack,” she pouted, arms crossed.

“You have branches in every corner of the world, dearheart. Where could I possibly take you?”

She smiled slyly. “Dancing.”

Slowly, Jack smiled back. “Okay. Tell you what. When I get back from Adam’s Good Artifact party, I’ll meet you in the usual place. Bring Carlos Estevez’s shoes.”

“It’s a date,” she purred, her voice low and smoky.

“Adam,” Jack said grandly, “meet Lily, also known as the loveliest piece of architecture to grace a landmass in two thousand years: the Warehouse.”

His jaw dropped. Accusingly, he glared at his partner. “And you didn’t tell me about this?”

Jenny shrugged. “It’s part of the rite of passage of becoming a full-time Warehouse agent. You have to be almost killed by an artifact – mine was a pool toy that tried to drown me – and Lily has to call you a good artifact. It means she’s accepted you, and you’re ready to hear the truth about her.”

“But I’ve been here close to a year!”

“And that’s how long it took you to accept her,” Jack snapped.

He didn’t have an answer for that. Guiltily, he glanced at the hologram.

“I don’t hold a grudge,” Lily said lightly. “Unless you kill someone I love. Then I hold a grudge.”

Jenny looked intrigued. “Who…?”

“Walter Sykes,” snarled the Warehouse’s avatar. “He killed Agent Steve Jinks, Claudia’s partner.”

Both agents glanced at their boss, hoping for clarification and afraid to ask because the Warehouse was furious and it was, quite frankly, terrifying.

“Claudia Donovan,” Jack clarified.

“That was nearly forty years ago,” Jenny breathed.

“I first attained sentience in 208 BC. Discounting a period of time from 1898 to about 2011, I have maintained unbroken awareness for over two thousand years and my very nature is the preservation of emotional energy. I still have very strong feelings about things that happened between 1225 and 1257.”

“Don’t ask,” Jack said before either of the others could do just that. “So, now you know why Lily doesn’t talk much when you see her in the stacks: she’s got a lot on her mind and whatever you’re doing isn’t urgent. If it is urgent, one of Hugo Miller’s eyes will pop up,” he gestured to the projection pole, “and you can talk to her through that. And before you ask, yes, it is a pain in the ass getting newer technology to interface properly because it’s not just technology, it’s got to mesh with Lily’s systems.”

Adam shook his head, as if it would settle the information better. “So the joke about you being married to the Warehouse…”

The scent of apples made Jack smile. “It’s not really a joke. The Warehouse needs a cranky old fart just like she needs a Caretaker. My position is roughly what was used to be the High Priest of the Warehouse. Originally, there were no agents, only Regents, and the Regents were a priesthood. Collecting artifacts was a sacred duty, and it was understood that each of them would willingly give their life for the Warehouse. That was part of the security system of Warehouse Two, actually. If it was tripped, no one would be able to enter the command center unless a Regent knowingly and willingly gave his or her life to act as a sort of biometric key to unlock it.”

Jenny looked skeptical. “Surely that never…”

“His name was Benedict Valda,” Lily said calmly. “I didn’t like him, but he didn’t hesitate to sacrifice himself so that Agents Pete Lattimer, Myka Bering, and Helena Wells could reach the command center and shut down Warehouse Two before the strain of being Caretaker to two Warehouses killed Mrs. Frederic, Claudia’s predecessor. He was a good artifact.”

“It’s a long story for another day.” Jack glared at the other two. “Now, I believe you still have things to do before the party at Leena’s tonight.”

They took the hint and vacated the office.

“Still the Warehouse of my dreams,” he said softly.

“Still my favorite artifact,” she replied in the same tone.