The Talk(s)

[moonshadows]

“Solaria, my jewel,” Mother said to me as I finished breakfast, “come talk with me in the garden.”

It’s not that I never talked with Martisia, or that I was uncomfortable with her; she had adopted me wholeheartedly, and I enjoyed learning from her the mysteries of the feminine. But today, something was different.

“Of course,” I said demurely.

There were a pair of hanging chairs that Mother liked to sit in, and when we had settled, she gave me a frank look. “You are becoming a woman,” she began. “I understand that this is a new and strange time for you, and your body may feel strange as it adjusts. You may have certain urges, particularly regarding young men.”

I blushed, but not because I’d had thoughts about men. Having seen Malfurion rewarded by Tyrande for giving her the bow and arrows I’d given him, I’d become…curious…about my male body.

“It is vital,” Mother continued, “that you do not let these impulses control you. There is nothing wrong with youthful dalliance, but I don’t want you to feel that you must have a man to fulfill those urges.”

Was she going to suggest I dally with other girls? The idea did hold some merit, but only if I was in my male skin.

“Hold your hand up like so,” she said, displaying one of hers with the middle two fingers together, and the fore- and pinky fingers spread. I mimicked her as she curved her hand gently and held it fingertips down. “Dally in your bath today, my daughter. Explore how you can make yourself feel with your fingers like this. Do what feels good, and practice until you are satisfied.”

“Y-yes, Mother,” I stammered.

Smiling gently, she leaned over and kissed my temple. “Remember, my jewel, that you are not at the mercy of any man or woman for your pleasure. There is nothing wrong with a dalliance so long as you are in control. If you feel that you need to dally with someone to satisfy those urges, or you find yourself performing favors in order to earn someone’s attentions, take a long bath and consider the situation. No pleasure is worth being at another’s mercy. You are a strong, proud young woman, and you need not be beholden to anyone else.”

“Thank you,” I murmured, still flushing. I was touched that someone else cared enough about me to give me tools with which to keep myself independent before a problem could even arise.

Although, speaking of arising…

“I think I’ll go take that bath now,” I said softly.

Mother laughed, a gentle musical sound. “I will see you at lunch, my jewel.”

 
 

When I stepped into the workroom after lunch, Father smiled and gestured for me to take a seat and shed my second skin. “I know which talk Martisia had with you,” he said, “and while I can’t deny that it’s useful for Solaria, I would be remiss in my duties as your father if I didn’t have the equivalent talk with Illidan.”

Eyes wide, I accepted the two scrolls he handed me before sitting down.

“I’ve no doubt that you will be popular with whomever you choose to dally in shadowed corners with,” he began, “and not fool enough to think that you won’t find a way to experiment in your first skin. I remember what I was like at your age.” His eyes crinkled as he smiled, lost in fond memories. “That first scroll is for a spell that will keep you from…ah…over-extending yourself, shall we say? Sometimes, the spirit is willing but the flesh is limp. So, study hard, master it, and save yourself a lot of shame should you become more excited than you’d anticipated.”

I flushed slightly, first at remembering how easy it was to set myself off, then at imagining the expression on a faceless girl when I was unable to fulfill any heated, whispered promises I’d made.

Father’s voice brought me back to the room. “And, since you are a man, it falls to you to ensure that if there are children, they are intentional. Learn that second scroll, study hard and master it because it would raise awkward questions indeed if your dalliances leave your partner with a swollen belly, and none of us want to deal with the answers. Understood?”

“Yes, Father,” I answered immediately, ears feeling as though they were on fire.

“Good lad. Now,” he said, leaning forward slightly. “Whether you are a man or a woman, whether you are dallying with a man or a woman, remember that you are young and your blood still flows with the passions of youth, untempered by the wisdom of age. Keep your identity. Keep your strength. Do not bow to anyone for the sake of the moment. Whoever you choose to dally with, they’re not worth enslaving yourself to. Another will come along. And when you’re old enough to bank your own fires…” he grinned, looking much younger. “Never let the fire of your passion go out. There’s no reason you can’t conduct your affairs at twenty with the discretion and dignity of eighty, and there’s no reason you can’t conduct your affairs at eighty with the enthusiasm and delight of twenty. And one more thing.” Disregarding the scrolls I was clutching, he stood and crushed me to his chest. “Man or woman, you are my true child. I love you, and I am proud of you.”

My eyes filled with tears. “Thank you,” I whispered, my throat too tight for anything else as it came crashing down on me that I didn’t mourn the man and woman who’d sired and birthed me, who’d raised me with my twin. Dath’Remar and Martisia were all the father and mother I could have ever wanted. I still missed my birth parents, but I wasn’t lost and adrift without them.

Cut one trunk down, and the roots survive to grow another. From the ashes of Illidan, Solaria.

“I am an aspen,” I whispered, lost in the enormity of that realization.

My eyes. My fate. Roots. Everything I was, everything I’d experienced, was nothing more than a foundation. I was an aspen because aspens thrived after a forest fire. Horror flooded me, and fear. A forest fire. Roots. My eyes were gold because there would be a forest fire, because everything would be wiped out, leaving scarred and charred survivors to huddle together and scrape up the remains of their lives, and I would have to be strong and put forth the shoots of new life. No matter what happened, I would survive, wiser, and rebuild myself.

I was an aspen, and the time would come when I would have to be the forest because no one else could.

“Illidan, Illidan, can you hear me? Are you alright?”

I shook my head slightly, packing the momentous revelation away to be examined later. “Yes. I just…it’s overwhelming.”

He smiled. “Well, take these next few hours to let it sink in. I won’t test you on those two scrolls; I know you can and will master the magic, and you’ll test yourself more rigorously than I ever could.” With one last hug, he released me and headed for the door.

“Father?” I looked up to see him pause, peering over his shoulder at me. “I love you. I am proud to be your child.”

Beaming, he sealed the workroom wards behind him.