Choices

[moonshadows]

 

Jack looked up, smiled, and patted the couch next to him. “Hey, sweetie. I’m just watching the news, but you’re more than welcome to join me.”

From the doorway where he’d been lurking, afraid of intruding, Gabriel dissolved and flowed across the room to re-form on the couch, curled up into a ball, with his head on Jack’s leg. Without a word Jack pulled the blanket off the back of the couch and shook it out to cover Gabriel. They watched the news in silence for several minutes, Gabriel slowly relaxing in Jack’s presence.

“…where unemployment has plummeted since pharmaceutical production facilities have sprung up,” the reporter said. “The drugs produced are all generics considered unprofitable despite the wide demand for them, and doctors are hailing the mysterious person or persons behind this.”

“Your work, sweetie?”

“Yeah,” Gabriel answered softly.

“In other news, Ignacio Coronado, long rumored to be the kingpin of Bolivia’s illegal drug trade despite his numerous charitable works, was found dead in his residence this morning. Officials are listing the death as suspicious, although no suspects or persons of interest have been named.”

Jack stroked Gabriel’s hair. “Is that the reason you couldn’t stay yesterday morning?”

He’d solidified in the kitchen while Jack was cooking breakfast, I can’t stay his first words, and hugged Jack desperately while explaining that he just wanted to see Jack before he left on an ‘errand’.

“We found the smoking gun. It was my call to take him out. I’m still not sure I made the right choice.”

“Sweetie,” Jack said firmly, “I’ve never known you to make the wrong choice.”

Gabriel curled up tighter, one arm hugging Jack’s leg, three decades and a war of tough decisions and doubts he couldn’t voice boiling up.

“What’s wrong?” That was a definite note of alarm in Jack’s voice.

“Were they all the right choices?” he whispered. “How many innocent people did I kill when I ordered that dam destroyed?”

“They would have been just as dead if you hadn’t,” Jack pointed out. “That column of omnics coming up the valley would have wiped out every man, woman, and child. At least we were able to rescue some of them from the floodwaters.”

Gabriel closed his eyes against the memory of weeping mothers and crying children. “Rescue them from the flooding we caused. Maybe they would have died to the omnics, but they didn’t. They died because I gave the word to destroy the dam.”

Suddenly, Jack hauled him up into a tight hug. “Oh my god, sweetie. I’m so sorry I didn’t realize until now.”

That was unexpected enough to knock Gabriel out of his self-recrimination. “What?”

“You insisted on being my sounding board for every major decision. To make sure I was one-hundred-percent committed to my choices, that any doubts had been worked out beforehand because if I seemed less than completely certain that my course of action was the right one, others would question it. But you never discussed your decisions with anyone – not during the Crisis, not in Blackwatch. I looked up to you so much. You always seemed so strong, so confident. I never realized that you had doubts, too. That you were projecting confidence the way you taught me to. I let you down, sweetie. I’m sorry.”

“Jack…” Gabriel’s throat closed on the rest of the words and he slumped against the other man’s chest, fighting tears.

“It’s okay,” Jack murmured. “I’ve got you. I love you. You’re safe.”

Guilt twisted in Gabriel’s belly. “It’s not your fault,” he whispered. “You saw what you were supposed to. I couldn’t let – if I expressed any doubts to anyone, I’d chicken out. The world was counting on me, and if I let myself open up to anyone they’d eventually find out about the nanites and then…”

Jack stroked his hair and kissed his forehead. “And during the Crisis, or just after…yeah, I don’t blame you. And if anyone had known, it would have made its way to Moira and she would have been able to actually kill you. Which means Talon would have won, instead of becoming your bitch. You did good, sweetie,” he finished lightly, making Gabriel chuckle. “But you have me now, and I’m not going anywhere, so if you want to talk about all the things you couldn’t or discuss what you’re doing with Talon…I’m here.”

Gabriel buried his face in Jack’s neck. “I don’t deserve you,” he said, his voice muffled.

“Hey,” Jack teased, “what did I say about what you think you deserve?”

A mumble that could have been ‘sorry’ was his only reply.

“It’s okay, sweetie. You’ve got me. I love you. I want to help in any way I can. Are you hungry?”

The question made him blink.

“I was thinking about making cookies, if you want to help or just watch. We could cuddle and gorge ourselves on hot cookies, how does that sound?”

Gabriel pressed a gentle kiss to the side of Jack’s jaw. “Can we just cuddle first?”

“Of course,” Jack said warmly, turning to give his sweetie a proper kiss.

Kiss by kiss, Gabriel melted against Jack and floated on a tiny sea of happiness, warm and loved past anything he thought he deserved