Insecurity

[moonshadows]

 

Jack had promised him steak before his trip to South America, secured his promise to come by for dinner a week in advance, and Reaper couldn’t bring himself to spend a week overseas without seeing Jack first. But as the car drove down the street, he could see Jack through the tinted windows.

He was hugging a woman.

When the car stopped and the window rolled down, he dissolved and flashed through the yard, under the door, into the bedroom to curdle under the bed. Jack’s bed. Although he’d slept in it a handful of times, it wasn’t their bed. Not really. He was still a stranger, an intruder. And now…doubt whispered that he wouldn’t even have that much of Jack. Who was she? How long had Jack been…?

The front door opened. “I’m home! Sweetie, are you here?”

No, he thought, curdling tighter. No, he wasn’t. No one under the bed but dust bunnies.

Footsteps from the front of the house to the back, sounds in the kitchen. He was making dinner. Like he promised. Making dinner in complete faith that his sweetie would be there by the time it was done. Jack would be heartbroken if he didn’t show up, but…

…but he was hugging a woman, and suddenly he realized that he didn’t want to hurt Jack, but if his fears were wrong, Jack would be hurt that his sweetie hadn’t come to him for explanations, if nothing else.

But he hurt.

He misted out of the bedroom, clung to the wall and slithered under the blanket, carrying it carefully around behind the recliner before curling up in it, under the blanket. Jack only sat in the recliner when he needed time to himself; he would understand the gesture of withdrawal.

“Sweetie?”

Gabriel tugged the blanket tighter and hid underneath it, the faint squeak of the chair betraying his presence.

“I’m putting some music on while I cook,” Jack called, a note of concern in his voice. “Change it if you don’t like it.”

The sounds of food preparation continued, and Gabriel let himself drift on the music because it was better than thinking Jack could have been lying this whole time. He listened with half an ear as steaks sizzled, as silverware clattered against plates, as footsteps went to the table and then came back.

“Sweetie? What’s wrong?”

Jack was worried. Fuck. Even if he was right, even if Jack had feelings for that woman – whoever she was – he couldn’t bear to pull away and hurt Jack. But he couldn’t bear to voice his feelings in case he was wrong and the accusations ruined everything he’d tentatively managed to build without fucking up. He scrunched down under the blanket, wanting to flee but knowing that would only make everything worse.

“It’s okay, sweetie.” One hand cupped Gabriel’s briefly, and through his eyelashes he could see that Jack had dropped to one knee in order to try to see up under the blanket. “You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to.”

He stood up and walked out of Gabriel’s sight, only to come back a few seconds later with a wooden footstool, which he placed by the chair and then sat on. Gently, he reached out to stroke the back of Gabriel’s hand with the pad of his thumb. That one tiny motion was like a trickle of water to a man dying of thirst; Gabriel slowly released the blanket and let his hand rest on the arm of the recliner where Jack not only held it and stroked it, but also pressed soft, gentle kisses to it. Just as slowly, Jack reached up to tug the blanket down inch by inch until he could stroke Gabriel’s hair.

God, he wanted Jack to hold him, to reassure him that he was the most important thing in his life.

After a few minutes, Gabriel realized that Jack wasn’t going anywhere, and guilt squirmed in his belly.

“Your dinner’s getting cold,” he murmured.

“I can reheat it,” Jack replied instantly. “You’re more important.”

A shard of hope, painfully warm, lodged itself in Gabriel’s throat and words bled out. “I don’t think I am.”

Warm lips on his fingers. “Well, it’s my dinner so what I think is what matters there, and I’d rather make sure my sweetie is okay.”

Gabriel squeezed the hand holding his as if to say, help me.

“I know you’re scared and unhappy, sweetie, but you’re still here so that means that whatever’s wrong, you want comfort and that reassures me. You’re not running away, you’re not hiding, you’re hurt and maybe you don’t feel like you deserve comfort, but I’m here and I’ll give you everything I can because you’re my sweetie, and I love you.”

“What about that woman?” Gabriel asked, struggling to keep his voice neutral.

“You saw me hugging a woman on the sidewalk, and now you’re hurting because you’re scared I’m going to leave you for her? Sweetie, love, that was a stranger whose husband was on base when it blew up. I gave her a hug as former Strike-Commander, expressing solidarity in grief at the lives lost that day.”

Well, there it was, he was wrong, but guilt at making Jack worry meant he couldn’t feel relief.

Gentle fingers on his face, caressing. “Sweetie, look at me.”

He didn’t want to. He wanted to hide in his shame, but Jack’s hand squeezed his gently, promising forgiveness and comfort. Fearfully, Gabriel opened his eyes to see Jack looking up into his face, eyebrows drawn together the way they did when Jack was being genuinely concerned.

“I love you,” he said in a low, emphatic voice.

Gabriel bit his lip, tears filling his eyes, and Jack got up enough to put one knee on the stool so that he’d be tall enough to hug Gabriel to his chest. Blanket forgotten, Gabriel wrapped his arms around Jack and cried his shame and guilt and the last crumbs of fear into Jack’s shirt.

“You’re okay, sweetie. I’ve got you. You’re okay. I love you.”

It was less than a minute before Gabriel’s breathing evened out and he could appreciate the hand stroking his hair.

“I’m sorry I ruined dinner,” he said quietly, sniffling.

Jack kissed his head. “You didn’t. I put it under the warming cover when you didn’t come out for kisses.”

“I’m sorry I’m a wreck.”

“Sweetie…” Jack leaned back to look into Gabriel’s eyes, thumbs brushing his cheeks. “I’d rather you do things like this than think you had to hide any hint of weakness from me. I love you. I want to help you.” He hesitated, the barest hint of hurt showing in his blue eyes. “You locked me out for thirty years. I understand why, and I forgive you, but please don’t apologize for letting me see past your masks.”

The instant the last word was out of his mouth, Gabriel was kissing him frantically. Every time he wanted to say I’m sorry, he kissed Jack instead. It was a long minute before the impulses passed and he could just hug Jack, face buried in the other man’s neck.

“I love you,” he murmured against Jack’s skin.

“I love you, too,” Jack returned warmly. “Ready for dinner?”

Gabriel’s stomach growled.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” laughed Jack. “Come on, I promise I won’t make too many innuendos about meat.”

“Yeah,” he said quietly, feeling warmth bubble up in his chest because Jack loved him. “That’s my job.”

“That wasn’t what I-”

“I’ll put your meat in my mouth, and you’ll like it,” he growled sternly. “Is that clear?”

Jack laughed again, light and free. “Sir, yes sir!”