Loki: Was it good for you?

[moonshadows]

Stark swept into the central room with a box of donuts under one arm, a take-out cup of coffee in the other hand, and a donut in his mouth. He handed the coffee to Banner, took the half-eaten donut out of his mouth, and pointed it at Loki where he was perched on the counter watching the skinny scientist make French toast.

“You. Science. Now.”

Eyebrows raised, Loki slid off the counter and followed as Tony led him to The Lab. The box of donuts got deposited on a mostly-clear table. Tony opened it, removed another donut, and carelessly picked up the odd piece of equipment that had been squished between a pair of jelly-filled.

“Have a donut,” he said around his.

Warily, Loki picked up one of the abused jelly-filled and bit into it. “What is that device for?”

“Just another way that Stark Industries is giving back to the community.” Tony flipped the device over, showing off sleek lines and a somehow ominous opening on one side. “I developed it to collect a semen sample from someone who, for whatever reason, can’t provide one himself. Coma victims, guys in wheelchairs, asexual frostgiants….” He shrugged. “I tried it on myself and it works fabulously on a guy who has no problems getting off, but you, you’re the ultimate test of this baby. Give it a shot.” He tossed the device at Loki, who caught it gingerly.

Loki set his donut down. “How does it work?”

“You just, uh, slide your junk into the opening and nestle it in good and tight, the whole package. Then press that green button. If you need it to stop for any reason, hit the red one. Otherwise, just wait and when it’s done, the blue one will light up and you can take it off.” He gestured to the bathroom. “Just…I suggest not standing up while you do it.”

Still unsure of what he was getting himself into, Loki sidled into the bathroom and shut the door. The casual Midgardian clothing he was wearing opened easily enough, and he tried not to worry as he settled the device around his genitalia. After all, Tony wouldn’t use it on himself if it weren’t safe, right? Cool metal and plastic nestled against his skin, he pressed the green button. Immediately, the device closed around him, but not painfully, and an unusual tingling sensation swept the entire surface of what it contained. Suddenly, sitting down seemed like a very good idea and Loki leaned against the wall before sliding to the floor. Things were pushing, pulling, sucking, tingling…it was all strange and completely foreign, but at the same time, it felt…good.

Very good.

Very, very-

Loki came to, a few minutes later, to discover that the blue light was on and the device was no longer cradling his genitalia. Gingerly, he lifted it off and put himself to rights before opening the door and making his way back to an eager-looking Stark.

“Well? Did it work?”

“I think you should be the judge of that,” Loki said, handing the device over.

Eagerly, Tony pressed a few inconspicuous places and grabbed the vial of milky fluid that popped out. “Hey, great. I’ll get started analyzing this sample right away.” He grinned slyly. “Was it good for you?”

“I’m not sure what you mean.” Loki reclaimed his donut and began licking the exposed jelly out of it.

“Well, did you get off?”

“It released me when it was done, yes.”

“No, did you get off. Did you orgasm.”

“Oh. Was that what that was?”

“Really?” Stark peered at him. “You’ve never gotten off before? Was it good? I mean, did you like it? Do you want to do it again?”

Loki shrugged awkwardly. “I presume you will want a Jotun sample as well as the Asgardian one, and I do not mind giving one.”

“Really? You’re really just shrugging off your first orgasm?”

“Yes?”

“…so that’s what being asexual is like,” Tony said in a somewhat awed voice. “No offense, but I prefer having a sexuality.”

“None taken.” Jelly gone, Loki put the rest of the donut out of its misery. “Will you need to analyze that sample before I can give a Jotun one?”

Stark fished out another vial and popped it into the device. “No, but take twenty before you go at it again. I wanna see what we’re working with on this first one.”

Loki watched curiously as Tony fed the sample into a machine. It didn’t take long before he turned and gave the half-Jotun an injured look.

“What?”

“You’re sterile.”

“I told you that,” Loki said, confused at the near-outrage on his friend’s face.

“Yeah, but you’re more than just sterile.” Tony shook the half-empty vial at him. “Most of the time, when we say sterile? We mean you only have a few hundred thousand sperm floating around in your jizz. You don’t have any.” He paused for emphasis. “None. Zip, zilch, nada. You may as well be shooting sugar water over here.”

“You’ll forgive me if I am unsurprised,” Loki said dryly. “I don’t even know that I would have male genitalia if I were pure Jotun.”

“Yeah, well, ten minutes and you’re gonna give me a Laufeyson sample,” Stark said sourly.

 ~*~*~*~*~

Half an hour later, Tony stared at the machine as if it had personally insulted him by upending the laws of physics.

“This goes beyond sterile. This is unnatural. How’s a guy supposed to reproduce with no sperm?”

“Jotuns do it all the time.” Loki shrugged.

Stark gave him a piercing look. “I think I need to take a look at your medical file, because I want to know how you do it.”

“I would like to know, as well.”

That brought Tony up short. “You would? Why?”

Loki raised one eyebrow. “So that I can. I was a mother once; I wish to know how that was possible so that I can both control it and prevent it from happening without my knowledge, and be able to replicate it deliberately.”

“Fair enough.” Tony slapped him on the shoulder. “Let’s go visit medical.”